Overview, Analysis, and Opinion
Brief Summary
deva house
Overall Thoughts
The idea isn't really well put together or creative, and the writing itself feels a bit too awkward, even for clinical tone. Plus, you mention things in you Special Containment Procedures that aren't actually mentioned later on, which I personally don't like. Also, having read the whole draft, I feel like said procedures are overkill. Why can't we just set up a fence with guards posted? Why is a specific environment necessary? Why are we simulating the sun? Furthermore, the trope of "the devil" is just overplayed and boring by this point, especially since nothing particularly interested happened with it. "Incredible evil" just doesn't cut it; it has to be interesting, intriguing, and, most of all, unique. Plus, why's the devil just hanging around some swamp house in LA? As a result, it felt like you were trying too hard to be creepy and scary, which made this feel cheesy and flimsy.
For the dialogue, the speech felt stilted and not quite like things people would actually say and, though I personally am not the best at accents, the way you wrote the dialect felt overdone and incorrect. I could be totally, totally wrong about that, though. In any case, I also thought the characterization was strange. You kept having different people both over and underreacting in their respective situations.
Verdict
Downvote.
Suggestions
- I think you should go a different direction with this. It takes a lot to pull of dangerous, highly threatening god-like entities nowadays and I've personally only seen it happen maybe five times at most. However, a more entertaining route would be to imagine a less powerful entity that likes to pretend its more powerful than it really is. That might be a good hook to draw readers in, but you'd have to pull it off in an entertaining manner.
- Read the line-by-line posted below and review the sections I pointed out.
- Fix the dialogue to sound more organic and human. If you find this a bit too hard for now, come back to this later when you have more experience with writing for the site or even just replace them with incident logs that explain what happened.
Specific Details/Line-by-Line
Special Containment Procedures
SCP # Is to be placed in the Controlled Virtual Environment sector at Site-76.
*"Is" shouldn not be capitalized here.
It's front door and windows are to be gated with Tungsten metal bars and the door is to be equipped with a steel lock mechanism.
- You have an it's/its mix-up here. Quick explanation, "it's" is the contraction of "it is," while "its" denotes possession.
- "Tungsten" shouldn't be capitalized here.
- On that note, is tungsten really a necessary material here?
Two level 3 guards are to be posted at the north and the south end of the house from the virtually generated sunset to sunrise.
- "Level 3" should be capitalized when used to denote security clearance.
- If we're artificially simulating the sun's movement for whatever reason, that should be explicitly stated somewhere before this.
2nd team of level 3 guards are required to be posted from sunrise to sunset.
- This sentence should really start out as "A second" rather than "2nd."
- Because you're just referring to the team, you should use "is" rather than "are."
Entry into SCP # by any personnel is forbidden unless assigned to partake in scheduled expedition.
- This is awkwardly phrased. I would suggest that you change it to something more along the lines of, "Personnel are forbidden from entering SCP # whenever approved testing is not taking place."
Entry into SCP # by any personnel is forbidden unless assigned to partake in scheduled expedition.
- This seems exceptionally harsh. There's no reason to kill someone just for something like this. Reprimand, sure, amnesticize, depends on the situation, but killing is, well, overkill.
If events ranging from Situation A-E are to occur, previously learned C.R.E. signals are to be executed according to the corresponding situation towards camera POV-5 and POV-7, 3 times.
- For the first part of this sentence, you should just say "If events observed in Situations A-E occur…"
- That last comma shouldn't be there.
- When referring to number that isn't a specific measurement, I personally think it looks better to just write the number out in full (i.e. "three" rather than "3").
If Situation F-H are to occur, evacuation procedures of security personnel on duty are to be carried out.
- Again, just say "occur" rather than "are to occur."
Description
SCP # Is a 2 story house that was built sometime during the 17th century.
- "Is" shouldn't be capitalized.
- Again, I personally think that you should write out that number, but it's not strictly necessary.
It was discovered in an abandoned state in southern Louisiana in 19██.
- The descriptions of the object's physical appearance and anomalous properties are vastly more important than its history. As such, those should come before discover logs in the description.
The exact location was found via Field Agents in the area that gathered and reported local rumors originating from surrounding towns after several incidents of townspeople disappearances occurred.
- I don't think that "field agents" should be capitalized here.
- The last part of this sentence feels a bit too stiff. Just say "after several townspeople were reported missing."
Pictures of SCP # refuse to show up on photos.
- This reads weirdly. I think it would be better to say something more like, "SCP # does not appear in photographs."
Addenda
A Containment Specialist team of 5 arrived on ██/██/████ to analyze SCP # as a potential anomalous object.
- I don't think that "containment specialist" needs to be capitalized here.
2 baths, 1 connected to the master bedroom and the other across the hall from the standard. 1 medium sized kitchen and a shack connected on the east side of the house.
- These are not complete sentences.
The ETA (Estimated Arrival Time) was 1 hour 36 minutes.
- I think that "ETA" is a term encountered often enough that you don't really need to clarify what it stands for.
personnel 1
*I think it'd be better if you at least gave the agents individual names, or even just blackboxed their names rather than assigning them numbers.
Personnel 2 was found in the doorway of the master bedroom lying in a pool of blood that had formed around his head with the left side of his faced caved in presumably from a blunt object but was later confirmed from the master bedroom door due to the blood that was found on the door.
- This sentence is so long that I actually felt out of breath reading it. I suggest you break it up, or at least insert comma clauses where there are natural pauses.
Personnel 3: (Clears throat) Well, umm, after the slam was heard,
- I can't really picture someone actually saying "after the slam was heard." It just feels awkward, and actually there's honestly been something about your writing this whole time that has rubbed me the wrong way, but I can't quite pinpoint what it is. Maybe it's that it feels too stilted and stiff, even for clinical tone. I'm not sure, I'm unfortunately not the best when it comes to tone. Anyways, back to the main point:
- People don't really talk like this. Someone would be exponentially more likely to say "after the door slammed" rather than this.
Dr. ██████: Now, █████ was the team lead correct?
Personnel 3: …yes.
- I'm not quite sure why he hesitated to respond here.
Personnel 3: (Constantly swallowing) Uhh, while he was screaming, I think I might have heard stabbing noises……and umm, then….the screaming stopped and I heard footsteps running from one side of the house to the other.
- Stabbing is pretty silent activity. I find it hard to imagine that he "might have heard some stabbing noises."
- That's a few too many periods for an ellipsis. You should use three.
- Honestly, this guy is waaay overreacting at this point, in my opinion. He works at the Foundation, for God's sake. He knows what goes on, that things are just as likely to kill and maim as they are to breathe or change the universe. If he's breaking down after hearing some screaming and whimpering, I'm questioning why and how he got himself employed in the Foundation.
Tammy ██████: Supernatral occurnces?
Well now, I don like pointin my nose inta strange events dat happen aroun here.
- If you're going to write a person with an accent, I think you should have markings to indicate dialect. That is to say, add in an apostrophe whenever someone drops a "g" in a word ending with "ing," add another one at the end of "aroun'", etc.
Although, a significant amount of skeletons which, after further analyzing, were discovered to be those of squirrels were found scattered throughout the house. All of them were decapitated. The heads were not found.
Dr. Rios: (As i entered the confines of SCP #, I felt a slight excitement brewing up inside me. Not being able to see once the door was closed, I began to pace around, speaking outloud) Well, I guess for starters I'll introduce myself. My name is Jessica Rios and I work for the SCP Foundation. I like anything gory, especially zombies. I quite enjoy watching people slowly go insane and I'm a huge fan of the supernatural.
- This feels like it was taken from an episode of Ghost Adventures, which is not a good thing. First of all, it's not my opinion that the Foundation would immediately assume there's a specific entity causing these things, but rather assume that the house itself is the anomalous object until proven otherwise. Secondly, this is just cheesy speech.
SCP #: Ego sum a diabolo. Diabolus enim est me. Et immolabit eam in mentem enternally. Timor tuus ego sum. Ego tuas. Ponam homines insanire. Manum percutiam te Satan. Te aeternum cruciari in inferno, harena.
Dr. Rios: (As SCP # spoke these words, even though I had no knowledge of what language it was speaking, I understood and I repeated in English) [DATA EXPUNGED]
- First of all, there's no reason to expunge this, as anyone with access to Google translate, or even just basic knowledge of certain Latin roots, are able to get the general gist of it. Plus, the information given isn't really expungement worthy, especially since it's not plausible that we would assume the entity is telling the truth.
- Secondly, the statement is stale and cliche. What's the devil doing trapped in a house? Doesn't he have better things to do than eat squirrel heads? Plus, the devil is overused in all media, especially this site, and is incredibly dull by this point.
