SCP Draft I made: http://scpsandbox2.wikidot.com/dr-leonard-s-sandbox Some critique would be appreciated. Thanks.
Due to the nature of this SCP
- The guides specifically instruct you not to refer to an object as "the SCP", "this SCP", etc. Call it SCP-XXXX unless you have a good reason not to.
- It should go without saying that anything included in the containment procedures is "due to the nature of" the object being documented. This sentence fragment is entirely superfluous.
it is vitally important that it not be viewed by personnel outside of testing.
Avoid subjective adjectives such as "vitally".
The above sentence could be condensed to "SCP-XXXX is not to be viewed except for testing purposes".
SCP-XXXX is the designation given to a German reality television program entitled "Sind Sie Singen?"
The way you write this (I.e., "SCP-XXX is the designation given to…") implies that the phrase "SCP-XXXX" is the anomaly rather than the TV show.
that was initially broadcast between ██/██/04 and ██/██/09 across a 4 x 4 mile area in Dusseldorf.
The Foundation doesn't use American measurements.
SCP-XXXX resembles a singing competition wherein contestants perform a particular song for a grand prize of $5,000.
Why would contestants on a German TV show be competing for a prize in American dollars instead of Euros?
Each contestant's performance is reviewed by a group of five judges; henceforth referred to as SCP-XXXX-1.
I don't think it's necessary for the judges to be sub-designated.
Within four to five months of viewing, the subject (henceforth designated SCP-XXXX-2) will gradually undergo physical and mental alterations causing them to become physically identical to the well-known 20th century actress Marilyn Monroe.
- "Well-known" is another subjective adjective that could be omitted entirely from the description of 20th century actress Marilyn Monroe.
- The following is a log of notable episodes of SCP-XXXX.
More subjective adjectives.
If you want me shut out of your life, it's no skin off my nose.
Is this document supposed to be in English or in German? Because I'm not sure the expression "skin off my nose" has an equivalent in German.
After she
committed this terrible act, I considered doing the same thing myself.
Random line break is random.
Final thoughts: This SCP is, honestly, a conceptual mess of ideas that don't seem to have anything to do with each other. I have no idea why a German reality show would turn its viewers into Monroe-Bots, the description of the recordings itself feels like a mediocre imitation of 1981 for no reason that's connected to anything, and I honestly have no idea what the final note even has to do with anything else whatsoever.
Pick a fundamental concept, decide what kind of emotion you're trying to evoke from the reader, and make it flow naturally. And work on avoiding subjective adjectives and value judgments in your writing.
Would downvote, but would feel bad about it because there's a kernel of something good here.
So there are some issues and I don't think I fully understand what it does, so I won't critique the content. I'll just point out some formatting issues and whatnot and read it again later or maybe have someone explain it to me. I feel like I'm missing the punchline. It might just be that I'm not familiar with Marilyn Monroe.
I'm also too lazy to add all the special character things like making a word bold or adding a table. Sorry.
EDIT: Annnndddd of course I get ninja'd. Everytime I try a line-by-line I get ninja'd.
Item #: SCP-XXXX
Special Containment Procedures: All broadcasts of SCP-XXXX are to be intercepted and recorded. Any public information regarding SCP-XXXX is to destroyed as soon as possible.
Object Class? The containment procedures could probably also stand to be extrapolated on..
Due to the nature of this SCP, it is vitally important that it not be viewed by personnel outside of testing. Instances of SCP-XXXX-1 are to be contained within a standard humanoid containment cell.
I don't think D-Class count as personnel, and this isn't the kind of thing you would use on actual staff. Well, Dr. Bright might.
Description: SCP-XXXX is the designation given to a German reality television program entitled "Sind Sie Singen?" (literally translating into "Are You Sing?") that was initially broadcast between ██/██/04 and ██/██/09 across a 4 x 4 mile area in Dusseldorf. SCP-XXXX resembles a singing competition wherein contestants perform a particular song for a grand prize of $5,000. Each contestant's performance is reviewed by a group of five judges; henceforth referred to as SCP-XXXX-1.
A few things.
-I'm not too familiar with german and german grammar, but I think that could be interpreted as either "Sing" or "Singing" depending on the context.
- If it was only broadcast over a few years, wouldn't it be neutralized as it isn't going to affect the public?
- The judges would be referred to as SCP-XXXX-1-1 through 1-5, or something like that.
SCP-XXXX's anomalous properties become apparent once viewed: Within four to five months of viewing, the subject (henceforth designated SCP-XXXX-2) will gradually undergo physical and mental alterations causing them to become physically identical to the well-known 20th century actress Marilyn Monroe.
Does it only affect humans? Or can it affect animals as well? The "Within four to five months of viewing yada yada yada" part could probably be rephrased to make it more clear as to when the effect starts and how long it takes. Additionally, does their mental state get altered as well? The addendum would suggest it does. Also, I like how random it is.
The following is a log of notable episodes of SCP-XXXX.
I think this would be notable events as opposed to episodes.
Episode Contents
Episode 1 At 15:42, contestant █████ ████ begins singing "█████ ██ ████", a song that would not be released for eleven months after the initial broadcast.
Episode 2 At 19:05, contestant ███ ████ enters the stage, and begins weeping for a duration of two minutes twenty seconds, her crying intensifying as time goes on. At 21:29, Judge 4 states this is the most beautiful song he has ever heard.
Episode 3 At 25:09, SCP-XXXX-1-1 begins devouring SCP-XXXX-1-5's head. All others present are apparently oblivious to this. SCP-XXXX-1-5 is absent from all following episodes.
Episode 4 [DATA EXPUNGED]
Episode 5 At 44:21, SCP-XXXX-1-1 informs the viewer that this will be the final episode of SCP-XXXX. At 48:02, after approximately two minutes of silence, SCP-XXXX-1-1 says "You're so beautiful" and the episode ends.
This makes me wonder how much of the show the test subject would need to watch to start to change. As much as it would almost go against randomly throwing D-Class at something that is really inconsequential, at least they could still be used. They'd just look like Marilyn Monroe.
Addendum: The following document was recovered by field agents operating in █████, Dusseldorf.
I think "Addendum XXXX-1" is the usual format for an addendum.
Agatha,
Writing to let you know that accept your decision. If you want me shut out of your life, it's no skin off my nose. In fact, I almost pity you for your inability to look beyond my skin and into my soul. It's a corny line, I know, but it really is what's on the inside that counts.
You wanna know why Danielle did what she did?
Then it happened. Don't ask me what. But I woke up, and I felt different. I wasn't plain
anymore. I was stunning. I wanted my own back. I acted as I was treated: Like a monster. I practically tortured the poor girl, taunted her every fucking day of her life. After she
committed this terrible act, I considered doing the same thing myself. But I'm not going to. I don't have to live this life anymore.
Look at me.
Just look at me.
Am I not beautiful?
Eleanor
This gets formatted a bit strangely when quoted with some lines ending abruptly. It also confused me a bit, as I don't quite get what is going on here except that apparently "Eleanor" got changed into Marilyn Monroe and decided to write a letter about being beautiful to her friend.
Overall, it's weird which I like, but some things seem kinda shoehorned in to give it a creep factor, such as the Expungement in the episode list and the random decapitation. I feel like there is a bit of a story here but it could use a bit more fleshing out.
That's what I noticed right now. I'm extremely tired so I may be misunderstanding some stuff.