SCP - Predatory Rocking-Horse
SCP - Predatory Rocking-Horse
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» SCP - Predatory Rocking-Horse
Summary:
(First SCP)
Got a PM, so took a look. I'll be commenting on the first 5-10ish nitpick things that make me pause during reading, and then give an overall response if I start to skim-read due to repeating errors or lack of reader engagement, as if I'm reading this on the mainsite. Here we go:
- The image is way too big and blurry. Crop out the bottom portion that's just blank dark shading, and maybe reduce the width. Also, the caption "SCP-XXXX-A minutes before recovery." can just be "SCP-XXXX-A prior to recovery".
- SCP-XXXX itself is never straightforwardly defined, so the containment reads a little oddly. You should just designate SCP-XXXX as the collective, and then note that there are currently 11 instances in containment, designated SCP-XXXX-A through SCP-XXXX-K.
- Written permission by current Senior Researcher > current Senior Researcher… what? Assigned to the project? Or overseeing the warehouse? Needs more detail since there are likely many current researchers.
- is required to feed any and all objects > makes more sense to just combine this with the previous sentence. "Are only to be fed with the permission of [researcher info], after testing…"
- Due to SCP-XXXX's nature, > stick to giving the instructions. The description content should provide answers regarding why those procedures are necessary, so you don't need to explain this with extra phrases.
- SCP-XXXX-A through -K are to be fed at Room 39-C. > where is this room, and why can they only be fed there? Wouldn't it make more sense to just give them a special series of cells near a room used for feeding purposes?
- Also, are there any procedures to be followed for moving these horses into the feeding area?
- At no point during the feeding process should instances be observed by on-site personnel. > overly wordy. Just state "On-site personnel are not permitted to observe the feeding process".
- are eleven (11) > Generally, the number (#) numeration is used for extreme precision measurements that can be fatal if misinterpreted, like drug prescriptions. Alternatively, it's for legal reasons to avoid ambiguity. You don't need to do that with easy to count whole numbers.
- rocking-horse toys of the species Equus Caballus > toys don't have species. You can mention their coloration, but it seems silly to state that a rocking horse would have a specific species, especially if you're basically saying "it's a rocking horse that is a horse"
- Despite being sentient, > you should introduce the fact that these things are sentient (potentially sapient?), in a sentence that says something like "Instances of SCP-XXXX have demonstrated signs of sentience", rather than just throwing the fact in as if the audience is expected to know that they're sentient to begin with
- instanses > typo. You have a fair number of simple errors like these.
Overall, I feel like it could be a great draft (I remember the concept thread), but it's really hampered by the problematic writing. You have a lot of oddly used phrases like "Albeit unable to move" that don't really make sense in context, and kind of make the writing come off like someone unfamiliar with English phrasing is writing it. If you haven't tried using Grammarly or a similar writing assistance tool to help with simple errors, I highly recommend doing so. Otherwise, readers tend to lose interest quickly in a sloppy piece.
Tell you what… would you be interested in my co-authoring this? I can help you with the clinical tone and phrasing, since I think currently the only thing holding back the article is the execution. The concept seems solid.
Thank you for the time you spent on this :)
I will spend the next day or two revising the draft according to your notes. If nothing changes for the better, we could try working on this together. I think that we are on different timezones though, and don't know if there can be any real-time interaction with the draft. Again, thank you!
I think that we are on different timezones though, and don't know if there can be any real-time interaction with the draft.
I've worked with co-authors in different timezones before (I've co-authored over 25 SCPs). It's a bit more difficult, but doable.
I will spend the next day or two revising the draft according to your notes.
Sounds good! Feel free to send me a wikidot PM when you're ready for me to take another look.
Okay, got a PM about this, took a look. Looks like a solid improvement over the first draft! Here are my thoughts. I have a lot of small spot fixes, but overall I like this a lot!
- the image is still huge—almost 2 MB. Would you like assistance with resizing it so it won't take awhile to load on mobile devices?
- SCP-XXXX-A to -K are > I would use "through -K"
- Instances are only > this can start a new paragraph
- Transportation of an object > I would use "of an instance of SCP-XXXX", since "an object" is too vague
- On-site staff is > staff are, since plural
- SCP-XXXX is rocking-horse toy > missing an "a"
- covered in khakis colored > just khaki
- much like regular rocking-horses. > remove this, it's unnecessary
- The horse part of the object is screwed on top of a wooden base. > also can remove
- From the mouth of the horse starts > start a new paragraph
- SCP-XXXX is sentient, > I feel like this should be a separate sentence, just "SCP-XXXX is believed to be sentient" somewhere. The sentence that it's currently in covers different subject material that should be in its own sentence.
- object's jaw, that they > no comma needed
- observed during the late night hours > can you give a more specific timing? After it is dark outside? Or starting at 8 pm? Or something similar?
- the first and second footnotes should go after the sentence period, so the number doesn't displace the period oddly
- located into its mouth > in
- and [DATA EXPUNGED] of the victim's hair > this seems like a cop-out expungment, since there isn't really anything that seems like sensitive information.
- Objects don't appear hostile upon > just use instances
- The first 3 instances / In the span of 3 weeks, > more of an obscure rule, but write out all non-measurement numbers less than 10. Three instances, three weeks.
- I think proper idiomatic phrasing is "held in custody" not "held under custody"
I think with fixing for the above small nitpicks, and maybe doing a little bit of trimming so the article isn't super long, this will be ready for the mainsite. Of course, it's always good to get other opinions. Maybe contact taylor_itkin and
fieldstone next, and just ask them for a general overview response since the writing seems solid to me.
/forum/t-8595458/scp-predatory-rocking-horse#post-
page revision: 3, last edited: 22 Sep 2018 03:57
