WWI era entity, new SCP
(account deleted) 09 Jun 2014 03:58
Taken down. Never mind.
nevermind
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(account deleted) 09 Jun 2014 03:58
Note: My internet browser and/or tablet dose not have spell check, and has BAD Autocorrect. Please inform me of spelling/grammar errors in the comments.
Ok so, this is just a list of things in there that I think could be changed:
"[REDACTED] organs. "
I don't think that was necessary.
"one LED light"
I don't know if you wrote this intentionally considering just how small an LED is…?
-When you hinted that their IQ points were anything from 60 to X I think you should be a bit more specific there and class them as displaying signs of mental retardation or something since we class any human with an IQ of less than 70 as mentally retarded.
" █████████ acid"
I wanna know the acid :C
If it's truly that corrosive try aqua regia (Or however it's spelt) my chemistry teacher spilt a tiny drop on his hand a few years ago, washed it off in less than 2 seconds and it still left a nasty gash and scar on his hand.
"the costs far outweigh the benefits. "
Since when did the foundation care about class-D personnel?
They are merely our meatshields and lab rats! xD
You mentioned the infectious mass was a virus, it's not a virus, it's more like a parasite or something.
The recovery log could be a bit more detailed too.
Oh and I'll just say this before somebody comes along and shouts at you for missing it:
PARAGRAPHS
:P
Since when did the foundation care about class-D personnel?
They are merely our meatshields and lab rats! xD
The problem, however, is the conservation of D-Class personnel. There are limited resources to work with, and people are most definitely one of them. We can't just throw them to their deaths all willy-nilly, or we run out of D-Class.
Thank you! There are only so many people on death row. SCP-xxxx is not vary important in the grand anomalous zoo, so better use them to understand that "could start an end-of-the-world-scenario" SCP.
Thanks. I'll try to fix these asap. But one question: could you be more specific when you say "paragraphs"?
I'll keep the acid secret for now, I'll need to fact check some more.
Well, it resembles a wall right now.
I'm not arguing, just trying to clarify. Can you give me some pointers? It seems like paragraphs to ME, but maybe not others? What particular paragraphs need work, and how. I tried to separate into a number of paragraphs instead of two out three large ones.
Let us take a look.
one (1) LED lightbulb, one (1)
The "number (#)" thing gets old really quick, considering you use it about 5 times in one sentence. I'd either write out the number or just put the digit down, not both.
containment breech.
Containment breach. A breech is a garment meant to cover the rear end, or the rear end itself. So, you're saying 'in case of containment butt'.
Instances of SCP-xxxx are humanoid figures deprived of all hair
"Deprived" of hair implies that the had hair at one point, but it was taken away from them. I don't think you should be using that word there. "Devoid" would be a better word, but that still doesn't feel like it fits.
All instances of SCP-xxxx seem to lack a conventional face, and instead have an organic WWI era gas mask.
…So, it's basically the "Are You My Mummy" things from Dr. Who. Also there are specific types of gas masks; research is a good thing. Do some.
Original individuals "wear" Russian WWI military uniforms. Recent instances "wear" the clothing with them when they were created — such as a D-class jump suit.
Unnecessary scare quotes around 'wear'.
and [REDACTED]. instances either lack or do not use digestive organs, and do not require sustenance to survive. All attempted CAT and X-Ray scans have failed, supposedly due to fluids excreted by SCP-xxxx.
"Instances" should be capitalized. Also, using worlds like 'supposedly', 'resemble' and 'seem' makes it look like the Foundation has no idea what it's doing.
Said fluid is composed of human bodily fluids, █████████ acid, and a (currently unidentified) fluid composed of [REDACTED].
If you know what the [REDACTED] fluid is composed of, then it's not unidentified, is it?
Another instance will seemingly grow a fleshy mass of tissue from the palm of its hand. Said mass will be forced oh the victim's face, casting itself to fit.
The "cast" is the positive imprint of a negative cavity, otherwise known as the mold. "Molding itself to fit" would be more appropriate here.
Overall, this is messy and unfit for mainlist at the moment, and seems kind of like a ripoff of a Doctor Who monster, but placed in a different era. I'd downvote it as it is.
I have fixed the errors shown above.
Can someone explain what "are you my mommy" is?
I have only seen one episode of the doctor, about a virus killing the first people on Mars, or something. If someone can summarize the monster, that would be great.
I've uploaded a new draft. Paragraphs should be smaller and neater. SCP-xxxx should also be less like "are you my mommy?" (Although I've never seen doctor who)
I'm also hunting down an appropriate image for it.
/forum/t-872090/nevermind#post-
page revision: 0, last edited: 05 Dec 2015 04:09
