From what I remember, you posted this incomplete on the mainlist, which you are not supposed to do, which is why it got taken down. And what I said on that page, of this just feeling like it's a virus scp with a bunch of colors, now only sortof holds up, but only because you've complicated a lot of stuff about it. The formatting is off, you don't give test and logs there own big red headers, instead use normal addendum headers (look on the template page of the How to Write an SCP guide).
Also certain parts feel a bit redundant, you explain the phenonema in the description and then make a ton of test logs that basically just repeat info already stated in here. Sometimes this could be ok, but most the time it feels redundant to me. Small problem I just noticed, in the last log, they wouldn't [DATA EXPUNGED] a swear word. They do that for threats to security or something similar, not swears.
Anyway, I could like this, if it was less complicated. Just make it more coherent, maybe invest in some collapsibles, and look through the article, and ask "does this need to be here?" because some parts (like some addendums) feel like they could be removed. Over all I could like this, if I could actually understand what it was better.
Okay, thanks for waiting. Here it is:
Let's get to your grammar first.
20x10x20m (WidthxHeightxLenght)
Add space between the numbers and also, remove those things in parenthesis because it's not even necessary and besides the spelling of Length is not even correct.
Tungsten (Approx. 10cm thick),
Just tell them "Approximately 10 cm Tungsten" or along those lines. Get rid of the parentheses.
2 Airlock doors
Capitalization error. Airlock is supposed to be "airlock".
is to wear an SCBA Hazmat-Suit
The tone for this is a bit stiff. Probably: " Is to be issued with an SCBA Hazmat suit."
That's better.
SCP-XXXX & Variants
What?
SCP-XXXX is a designation not its name. And also, "variants" not Variants. Also, for the tone, you should have just wrote, "instances".
bacteroidetes
Should have written this on italics. And also, make it simpler. Not all readers here actually knew what this was.
(See headers)
What?
Please, for brevity, add this information to the Addendum.
SCP-XXXX & Variants […] effects & methods
I suggest using "and" instead of an ampersand "&".
Variations:
While it is possible and allowed to use different types of format, using Headers for this one isn't advisable.
SCP-XXXX-B […] -3
Just make an Addendum for all of this. I was having a hard time reading this, to be honest but nonetheless, I'm gonna read it.
SCP-XXXX-B is the fungi that
Replace with "a". You're supposed to introduce an object first to the reader first with an "a" before you refer it with a "the".
specifically a Glomeromycota type
The word, Glomeromycota, is the only thing that should be in Italics.
SCP-XXXX-1/SCP-XXXX-2
What?
Put them in one Addendum as I have stated earlier.
foremost the most
I'm not a native speaker of the language and correct me if I'm wrong but isn't this also redundancy?
the least deadly. - SCP-
Get rid of the period and replace it with a comma "," . And also, what's with the dash after the period?
Symptoms:
Symptom #1:
Put this into an Addendum.
victims'
Victim's, or for tone, Subject's.
approx. 15m of first being infected
What?
"Approximately". Do NOT shorten words if you don't have any reason to do so. And I don't think I understand what you mean by "15m of first being infected"
dark-skinned individuals will usually take 25-30m at max, but times may vary for each skin color. (listed below)
As I have stated before, I am not a native speaker of English but I understand this paragraph as something like "It will take 25-30 meters at maximum for an individual to be infected." I don't think it make sense.
I would probably understand if it was written like, "It usually take 25-30 minutes for a dark skinned individual to be infected…etc etc" or something along those lines.
Pale/Very light - 10-15m from when first infected.
White/Fair - 15-20m from when first infected.
Medium white to light brown - 20-25m from when first infected.
Olive/Moderate brown - 25-30m from when first infected.
Brown/Dark Brown - 30-40m from when first infected.
I think you're trying to say here that distance from the skip affects the way how it infects an individual. You should probably rewrite this into something understandable.
usually takes place after 10-15m after the decolorization of the victims' skin
So after 10-15 meters, the decolorization happens? Or if the individual was 10-15 meters near?
((or V.Dark to Black individuals it will usually take place after reaching HEX#56463A (RGB - 86, 70, 58))
What are these things?
I don't see the point of placing color hex codes into this article. And also, it doesn't make any sense. I've seen this in the following block of text.
(see SCP-XXXX-B)
Addendum.
on all parts of the body,usually congregating around the groin/armpits of the victim,
place a space between "body,usually" and also, may I advice not using a slash "/" but instead use either "and" or "or".
HEX#2D1B1C to HEX#3A0003
No offense. The only thing that reads these were computers. How would I know if the color you're trying to describe were black? Or green? or red?
it is at this time that the victim will start to internally bleed in the individual's infected body parts,
I will state again that I am not a native speaker of the language and I may be missing something, but based from what I understand is that " a victim was inside an individual and starts to bleed inside of him."
It is now common that the victim will lose consciousness,
"it" because it goes after a comma, not a period. And also I may suggest adding, "from time to time" at the end of the sentence. Like:
It is now common that the individual will lose consciousness from time to time.
usually from the extreme amounts of body trauma/intense pain.
I think using, "Due to the" or "Because of the" might be useful.
SCP-XXXX-1 can mean many things
Like what?
the patient should now be fully unconscious,
Get rid of the Italics and the Bold.
pay attention to the grid below
"refer" and also, the "table" below this sentence is not a grid.
The table.
I don't understand what the table is trying to say except that it only displays various symptoms and such.
SCP-XXXX-2
Addendum.
SCP-XXXX-2 is the second variety
You mean second "type"?
SCP-XXXX variations
"Instances".
it will most likely always kill the victim,
Get rid of the bold. And also, just tell them that it's lethal.
if you think perhaps the victim is infected with SCP-XXXX-2 but the victim does not die, it would imply that the victim is actually infected with SCP-XXXX-3 (see SCP-XXXX-3 for info)
Umm what? I don't think I'd be able to contribute an advice to something I don't fully understand. So the whole thing affects an individual's thinking?
approx. 10m
So it will take approximately 10 meters to grow? And don't shorten words.
SCP-XXXX Variants
Instances.
it will take just 60m
So it needs to be 60 meters to grow 2.5 mg of the skip?
approx.15x7x10 (WidthxHeightxLength),
I've already stated this issue earlier. I don't think I need to state what needs to be done about this.
For full analyzations
Analyzation, I believe.
autherization teams
Why would it require the apporval of "autherization teams"? I don't think an authorization team would be even required for this. I would suggest using instead, "authorized personnel" instead of a team. Also, the spelling.
SCP-XXXX-1 - came out alive.
This will be the final time that I will be pointing out this mistake for brevity. Please remove the hyphen.
Test #3
The Class-D is a classification to the expendable personnel of the Foundation. Refer the Class-D Personnel by their numbers.
Test #4
You referred the Class-D Personnel as simply Class-D. I tackled this problem above. Secondly, your usage of MTF. So in my own understanding, there were "two Mobile Task Forces" killed. That's a lot of casualties. I am not even sure if you're referring individual MTF operatives in this Test Log.
In addition:
D-4681 was misdiagnosed with SCP-XXXX-1 & being fine - as a matter of fact, was not okay.
I do not really understand this. I don't think I'd be able to contribute into something I don't understand to be honest and please remove the bold.
PLAYING LOG
Hello, this is Dr. ████ here with Agent ████ & D-3556, we are just opening the doors at the moment, they are quite finnicky to get working but nothing major.
The whole thing was kinda off. It breaks off with the clinical tone of the Foundation. And "finnicky"?
Ok, he's in there, now we just wait and see what happens.
Okay, like I said, the tone.
Audible moving of papers and writing, then a pause.
Rephrase.
Right, so I can see that… pause he seems to be growing the fungi -
In my own understanding, he was literally growing the fungi. Honestly and I mean no offense, I kinda imagine him providing heat to the fungi with his butt in order for it to grow like how Chickens incubate eggs with their bodies. Look, I mean no offense.
Sorry, I mean SCP-XXXX-B, D-3556 seems to be bleeding > from the mouth, hang on,
flicking of papers.
Okay, this should mean that, yes, he is actually infected with SCP-XXXX-1 and SCP-XXXX-B is turning red so, that should mean.
As I said before, the tone. The researchers here kinda ripped their professionalism away by stating their mistakes in the official transcripts of the logs.
He should be exterminated - pause - whilst in the containment - I'll call MTF.
Shouldn't they just call the Containment Specialist or guards or something similar? MTF is an elite task force. Surely, it wouldn't make sense to call the Marine Corps to arrest a thief. The MTF isn't really tied into one place (because they were Mobile) unless there's a reason for that.
And also, the misusage of MTF. So he's calling the entire Mobile Task Forces?
long pause before radio beeps
Now they're communicating through Morse Code?
Yes, I need an MTF Guard please.
Why is he replying in words if the guy is talking to him through Morse Code? Forgive me, I have trouble understanding.
And also, again, misusage of MTF. Mobile Task Forces were specialized in many roles. What is an MTF Guard? I do not recall the Foundation having an MTF guard. Maybe a security guard?
I'll explain it this way. Mobile Task Forces are the Foundation's soldiers. They were formed with the purpose of accomplishing a certain task, like say, exploration (where Zeta-9 was specialized for) or Nu-7 (Battalion-strength. Used for conflicts against GOIs) or Psi-7 (Used for structure based anomalies).
That being said, everyone can do the role of guarding anomalies. So, an "MTF Guard" isn't necessary for this. Unless there's a good reason, but in this article, there is none.
This is Dr. ████████ here with D-4681, he is currently in containment, and is - I think having symptoms of SCP-XXXX-1.
Put a comma in "is" and "think" and please remove the hyphen.
Flicking of pages
The decolorization of the skin, yes
In the way I understand it, the guy doesn't know how to do his job. He requires a manual guide to identify the symptoms of the D-Class personnel.
5m of pause
So, 5 meters of pause.
I think it would be useful, as I have stated earlier, if you could have just said, "5 minutes…"
The fungi is bleeding from the stem, I'm pretty sure that means he should be let go.
I don't understand what this really means. I suggest editing this.
Mumbling
No offense, the audio log is capable of picking up simple noises like the flipping of pages and such but the D-Class, I know he's infected but the radio only caught the sound of him mumbling? What's the point of having the Doctor understand him in the first place?
Audible walking off
in the background alright how was - noise of spore explosion - JESUS CHRIST!
This reminds me of the Flood in Halo.
WE NEED MTF NOW, QUICK, THERE'S A CONTAINMENT BREACH!
Again, why the use of MTF?
"WE NEED SECURITY NOW, QUICK, THERE'S A CONTAINMENT BREACH!" That's better in my opinion.
WHY IS THIS [DATA EXPUNGED] THING STILL ON!
END OF LOG
Because he forgot to turn it off. And also, no need to expunge curses.
All testing done with SCP-XXXX must have at-least 2 Doctors & 2 MTF,
"done" is to be replaced with "conducted" and remove the hyphen in "at-least" and the wrong usage of MTF. So two Mobile Task Forces were required for the testing of the skip?
Addendum #2
"New instance of SCP-XXXX-3…" is better.
To the story:
Story-wise, I don't get anything out of it aside from it being a fungi SCP which was already made numerous times. A good example was SCP-008 (a Zombie virus) and SCP-020 (a fungi that grows out of walls).
This skip should contain a story that will stand out from the rest of fungi SCPs or virus SCPs, which clearly it doesn't have.
As I read this further, the skip only reminds of the Flood in the Halo Series (Parasitic Fungi, nest-like instances, exploding spores). I don't really see anything different about it. The Marines in the Halo series could kill those things easily when given with proper equipment. An MTF is an elite force issued with highly sophisticated weapons and gadgetry (because that's the FOUNDATION) and yet, based on the logs, two Mobile Task Forces were torn like papers.
Fungi SCPs interests me if it has gross things or weird random stuff thrown in it. I believe you can think of this on your own.
And also, the skip reminds me of an itchy skin disease like ringworm or Athlete's foot.
Try to socialize with the community and read more SCPs before attempting to write one so that you would be able to learn and have a grasp of the mainsite's clinical tone. Since the skip's theme is pretty much common, there's no salvageable idea in here.
Grammars, proper usage of terms and the use of Addendum is very important to an article. Also, the actions of the characters involved should also be logical within that story which also the draft article lacks.
I advice reading skips and tales and learn from the site vets. Site-19 chat was a good place to get advice and help from.
Thanks for the constructive criticism.
Things to state:
I may have used parentheses when I shouldn't have; that is simply a mistake on my part.
No ampersands. Got it.
When you mean to put addendum for SCP-XXXX-B, you mean to put it at the end.
I think what you're trying to say with the addendums is that I should put the information for SCP-XXXX and instances at the end?
No abbreviations, (approx. instead of approximately, m instead of minutes. e.g)
Name stuff with italics. Okay.
Grammar
Yes, I may have incorrectly spelled length, that was just a misspelling, parenthesis will be removed.
"The walls must be Tungsten, approximately 10cm thick." - How that?
Capitalization error. Airlock is supposed to be "airlock".
Got it.
Probably: "Is to be issued with an SCBA Hazmat suit."
Understood.
Also, for the tone, you should have just wrote, "instances".
Instances instead of variants. Okay.
Should have written this on italics. And also, make it simpler.
"is a special variation of bacteroidetes (Bacteria)" or should it just be bacteria and not bacteroidetes?
What? Please, for brevity, add this information to the Addendum.
Even I don't understand, I'll most likely change it to (See addendum #3) or something like that.
I suggest using "and" instead of an ampersand.
Stated at the beginning.
While it is possible and allowed to use different types of format, using Headers for this one isn't advisable.
Will change it.
Just make an Addendum for all of this.
So what I can gather you're saying to put the description of -B, -3, -2, and -1 in an Addendum?
The word, Glomeromycota, is the only thing that should be Italics.
Stated at the beginning.
What? Put them in one Addendum as I have stated earlier.
Okay, so you're saying I should do something like this:
Addendum #3:
SCP-XXXX-1 is first and foremost, the most complex variation of SCP-XXXX, It can have many effects and methods of dealing with.
SCP-XXXX-2 is the second variation of SCP-XXXX it turns the host into a living factory, with the sole purpose to make all variations of SCP-XXXX, the only exception being SCP-XXXX-3.
And finally there is SCP-XXXX-3, the nest, the nest is where most of SCP-XXXX thrives, and grows.
As a courtesy to our readers on mobile devices, please collapse long posts. ~Zyn
Ok considering I'm ill and cant be bothered to do the rest, I'll tell you that I've understood everything you have said, heres the important stuff:
I'll change it so I won't use Hex,
I will get rid of "individuals" in "it is at this time that the victim will start to internally bleed"
The table is showing what to do, if 2 symptoms match up, do what the box says. It's hard to explain.
Okay thanks. - TPE
Even if you edited this draft but didn't change something, I am sorry, it's still gonna get deleted and downvoted.
Unless you have a new idea to introduce along with this skip, I advise not to pursue this idea. (Because the mainsite already have fungi and virus SCPs).
EDIT: Something came in my mind. I would suggest a Fungi Skip that turns its victims into a mixture of humanoid animals and plant hybrids. I guess it would be awesome if it includes several security personnel fighting some instances that attempts to breach its containment.
Of course, that was a suggestion. This was your skip and you're free to write it into anything you wanted.
EDIT….again: I've came up with another suggestion. I'm gonna PM you about it. Hell, if only I have no drafts to be critted, I would have co wrote this with you!