I'm ecstatic to be able to contribute here, so here's the one SCP that I had in my mind for a while!
Ooh! Short draft! I can get more specific here. Let's see what I can do for you.
Be forewarned, I use sarcastic humor here and there as a way to lighten the mood. Crits are always a bit awkward for both parties involved, so it breaks up the monotony and, hopefully, causes a chuckle every once in a while.
Some advice first.
- Your clinical tone seems a little weak in places. I'll show you a few instances of this in the specifics, but in the meantime, check out these awesome and helpful articles on tone:
- There are some unnecessary redactions in your draft that don't really help your story. Check out this helpful video on the topic:
- Are Redactions Ridiculous? by
Doctor Cimmerian (YouTube)
- Are Redactions Ridiculous? by
And now, on with the crit:
CONCEPT:
- Conceptually, you have a fairly simple and easy-to-understand concept here, albeit a bit dull1. The typewriter creates thing. I mean, it's a little cliche, but we can work with it! When re-drafting, think of the following questions:
- Why does your object exist?
- Who created it?
- What happens to the original versions of the things it copies?
- Where was it recovered? <— This question, believe it or not, can provide great insights into the above questions without explicitly answering them. Look into Marshall, Carter, and Dark Ltd for a possible lead on this. Could they have acquired it from Hemingway?
- Is it a thing that simply occurred due to some anomalous material in the construction of the thing, or did an employee of the RTC consciously create an anomalous object?
I have noticed that you type in European English. Please feel free to ignore my filthy American English spelling. It's a joke, don't slap me!
SPECIFICS:
- "SCP-XXXX must be contained within a room that has a temperature between 4-24 degrees Celsius." <— There are a few issues at play here.
- "… must be …" <— While not as bad as ‘should be’, which I've seen all-too-often, it still implies a suggestion.
- "… within a room that has a temperature between 4-24 degrees Celsius." <— Thus implying that it has to be moved to whatever room has a temperature that fits the range, and moved again when the temperature becomes unsuitable. Also, it could be tossed in a hermetically-sealed locker and brought out for testing.
- Try something like, "SCP-XXXX is to be contained in Safe-Class Secure Containment Refrigeration Locker nn at Site-nn."
- "… paper and ink …" <— Fairly simple thing here, but ink is referred to as ‘ribbons’ when regarding typewriters.
- "… must only be "loaded" in SCP-XXXX …" <— What an odd place for quotation marks. You can remove them. Also, as someone who uses a Royal Quiet DeLuxe on a regular basis, I can safely tell you that loading and unloading the ribbon is quite a pain, especially if you pull the ribbon slightly, as the ribbon will never quite set properly for the remainder of that cartridge.
- "SCP-XXXX is a portable QWERTY typewriter of the ‘Royal Quiet Deluxe’ line, manufactured by the Royal Typewriter Company." <— A few things here:
- "‘Royal Quiet Deluxe’ line …" <— Nope. It's a Royal Quiet DeLuxe portable typewriter.
- Aside from that, this sentence is rather oddly worded. Try something like, "SCP-XXXX is a Royal Quiet DeLuxe portable typewriter, manufactured by the Royal Typewriter Company in nnnn."
- "Anomalous properties are presented from SCP-XXXX when it is used to add text to a sheet of paper." <— Oddly worded. Try:
- "SPC-XXXX's anomalous properties are activated when used in the intended manner for any similar object."
- "In this case, any improper direct object from a particular sentence will, at a random point in time in the same day, appear near whoever has typed the sentence, which will be referred to as SCP-XXXX-2." <— Whoa. Word salad on aisle █:
- Too many commas. This sentence can easily be cut into two. Try something like, "When activated, any direct improper object in a sentence will, at some point before the day's end, manifest near the subject. These instances are to be referred to as SCP-XXXX-2."
- " If there are multiple direct objects typed, only one instance of SCP-XXXX-2 will appear." <— Perhaps instead of ‘random item selection’, you could consider going with ‘it combines the two objects’ or something similar to add interest.
The rest of it is fairly decent, if not a little short. I would choose other skips to reference, though, instead of SCP-500 (Panacea) and SCP-458 (Infinite Pizza Box). Give some consideration to a few Series 4/5 skips.
In all, you have a solid concept with a little poor execution, but overall, not bad!
My recommendation is to pass this around the IRC Chatrooms for a few ideas during your redraft.
If you need further explanation, clarification, or want to know what I'd get out of SCP-458, feel free to PM me.
"Sometimes you can approach feedback with a scalpel, sometimes only the sledgehammer approach will make your point clear."
~ Zyn - Forum Crit Team Captain @ The SCP Foundation
Thank you, sir!