SCP Foundation

http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/kuzonfilms

Hello. This is my first…anything for the Wiki, so I am of course looking for feedback. More specifically, I'm looking for critique on 2 major issues.

Dialogue: I want to make the awkwardness and hurt believable, and I'm not sure if I'm doing that. I am also concerned about the interplay between the multiple personalities in the OC's head. There's also the issue of balancing the personalities' talk with the talk between 5198 and 507.

Revealing the backstory: Obviously, this tale is built to reveal more information about what happened between the 2 SCPs overtime. I won't say what the story is. If you are having difficulty piecing together what happened, then I need to work on that. On the other hand, if you feel that it's too obvious or the revealing can be done better, I'd love to know that too.

Obviously, there is no such thing as an SCP-5198. I put the idea up to the brainstorming forum, and it was recommended I turn it into a tale. So…here it is.

Thank you very much for your time, and I hope that you enjoy the tale.

Hey! Expect a reply some time in 24 ish hours.

Hello!

Thank you for being patient. I'm going to go in order of what I see while reading which will cover SPAG errors and other weirdness, then sum things up at the end.

semi-circled

The word you may be looking for is semi-circular. Though the way you describe the room it's a circular room cut in half by a windowed panel, in which case you could also describe it as a half circle. Which you could probably do anyway. But circled isn't the right word here.

For the dialogue in the box, you can probably put the head voices in italics. It won't chop up the text as bad as a box will. The dialogue is also weird, as it's in a script type format, which isn't really used in tales all that often when people are talking. You're more likely to see a conventional dialogue like you see in other written works. With the voices, you could describe them sounding different to keep them separate without having to put their names in front of everything.

I'm really not sure how to feel about 507 being an adult, much less a sexy one, so I'm going to leave that alone.

In all, I think you've got okay characterization here, but it gets drowned out by a not so great premise. Tiana feels like a predictable twist on multiple personalities, but Fugo feels very distinct and I like him. But there isn't much here as far as a plot goes and it doesn't resolve in any meaningful way. I think you'd be better off trying something different here.

Good luck!