Let's see what I can do for you.
Be forewarned, I use sarcastic humor here and there as a way to lighten the mood. Crits are always a bit awkward for both parties involved, so it breaks up the monotony and, hopefully, causes a chuckle every once in a while.
Some advice first.
Wow, none of my boilerplate advice applies here. Nice work!
And now, on with the crit:
CONCEPT:
- Having read through your draft twice before opening the collapsible at the end, I'll come right out and say that you nailed exactly what you were going for emotionally.
- I've experienced this level of heartache, so this draft really spoke to me.
- The big question I have is — Why B-major? The last paragraph of the outline mentions C-minor and describes, quite accurately, the psychology of that specific key.
SPECIFICS:
- There are spots where your footnote link is outside of the punctuation. If I'm not mistaken, which I totally could be, dootnote links should immediately follow the word, taking precedence over punctuation.
- "… four sheets of paper stapled similarly to a book." <— While not incorrect, I would go with something like, "… four pages of sheet music stapled together along the left edge."
- "… attraction to the female gender …" <— Not meaning to go there, but given the age of Mr. Russel and Mia, would it be better to use ‘the female sex’ here?
- "… one of the police officers attempted to console Russel before opening his eyes." <— This sounds like the officer was attempting to open Russel's eyes after consoling him. Try something like, "… one of the police officers attempted to console Russel for several seconds before Russel opened his eyes." Even if it comes off as repetitive, it may help to clarify. Minor nitpick, though.
Well, I couldn't find a whole lot of nits to pick, so I hope this helps you out.
Overall, this is a heavy piece (meant in a good way). The emotion is clearly represented throughout and even pushes through the clinical tone. Fine work!
Good luck, author. If you need further elaboration on anything or want to bounce ideas off me in the future, feel free to PM me.
HotColes, 03 Jan 2019 19:56
