My first SCP wiki draft
http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/mr-g Is there too much info in here?
SCP-4137
Forum
» Writing Help / Help: Drafts and Critiques
» SCP-4137
Summary:
open to all forms of criticism, thank you.
This seems like it is trying to hard to be a cool killer type, but it has no real story or point of engagement with the reader. As a result, it is a long way from being ready to survive on the mainlist.
The biggest issue here by far is that you seem to be too much in love with your idea. The killer is slim, wears a tuxedo, has a silver mask which is unbreakable, is unbeatable in hand-to-hand or firearm combat, kills lots of people, might be on the Foundation's side, and is given no personality or way for a reader to relate to him. Even as a video-game character he wouldn't be very interesting these days, so he won't cut it as a character in a short-fiction story (which is what you're writing).
Unless you really identify with this character, I would suggest dropping this idea altogether. However, if you really want to write about this guy, I would first read SCP-076, and describe your killer's personality by contrast to Able's (note: not their *abilities*, their personalities). That might help us open up what type of character your killer is, and how we can flesh that out.
A few more tips for your next draft / next article:
- specifying vault materials is rarely necessary - titanium especially is a red-flag for attempted coolness on the site. Also the size of a room is generally not necessary to specify - "standard humanoid containment" or "reinforced humanoid containment" would be fine.
- use metric measurements - no feet or inches.
- there's no need to put numerals "(3)" after writing numbers. That is only really relevant for large or precision measurements where there could be confusion between the word and the number.
- you'll need to work on your clinical tone. Abbreviations and colloquialisms like "ammo", "hands only", "comes out successful", "extremely dangerous", "quickly fled" are inappropriate and break a reader's immersion - this should sound like a scientific document.
- don't use expungements to avoid writing facts. Expungements have to make sense in-universe, and add something to the story, not subtract from it. There's an essay on this in the Guides and Essays link in the sidebar.
your right, ill make sure to make changes asap, thank you.
Re-reading my post, I see that I might not have been clear in my third paragraph. I was suggesting that you elaborate in the forums about the personality of your anomaly, rather than doing re-drafting along those lines. Sorry for not being clearer.
Adding on to what he said here: A better wording might be "titanium reinforced iron (structural thing). Even better would be titanium reinforced (compound number here-this is optional, but there is a huge variety inbetween tensile strengths of compounds) steel, as steel is (by far) stronger than iron and would be more cost effective than iron for containing physical attacks.
If you don't want to go too in depth, you could just say steel plates contained within a titanium frame.
/forum/t-9902984/scp-4137#post-
page revision: 3, last edited: 22 Sep 2018 03:57
