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A lot of this doesn't make much sense.

The pictures don't really agree with the premise either. This prion "infects" people, and then (in one case) turns their eyes in to photo-realistic arches? Maybe I'm not getting it, but this feels like a vehicle for the rest of the article, which wasn't particularly interesting, to me at least.

I didn't really get much of a connection between the parts of this. Prions don't really….do this. They cause irregular protein folding, sure, but large-scale organ re-arrangement like this breaks my suspension of disbelief pretty hard.

The last section also felt like a really obvious reference to the game Civilzation, and the whole article in general just felt…awkward.

Downvote in its current form.

by DrMagnusDrMagnus, 27 Feb 2017 20:19

Thanks so much for taking a look :) OK, addressing your bullet points:

  • With the alpha/beta thing, originally I had a Z-1, and then Z-2-Alpha and Beta. I dropped what would have been -1, left the alpha/beta in. I can change it, if it's not standard, but I have seen Series 3 articles that use it.
  • I added a parentheses explaining what a tenrec actually was, and changed the lines you mentioned.
  • On Z-Chiralene, Addendum A was supposed to show that the tenrecs came up with it and used it to revitalize -Z and the goddess inside her. The Foundation figured "if it ain't broke" and kept it going, on a monitored schedule.
  • "Her" is Z. It just felt weird to write "in its research lab".
  • With the two designations, yeah, it does read weird. Changed.
  • Interview 1 needs work, I know, just wanted to get it out there. Before I wrote the part where Omega actually shows up, that was the only way to signify that there was something else behind the scenes. I may drop it, but I do want to somehow keep the buildup going until the reveal of Omega.

Also, Z was in a professional research lab, so I'm going to non-officially-canonically say she's mid-to-late 20s. I am fully aware that my dialogue-writing skills need work :/ I tried to base Z's speech off of how people I know personally talk, but seems like that didn't work as well as I thought.

Re: Tenrec Goddess by WerylliumWeryllium, 27 Feb 2017 20:10

it's a lesson in anomalies not making sense, even in contexts other than physical and scientific.

Oh, okay. Yeah, this one definitely was weird and nonsensical, which is my favorite type of anomaly. I'd upgrade my upvote to a cherished "heck yea" upvote but alas wikidot has no option for heck yea upvores.

by SpectralDragonSpectralDragon, 27 Feb 2017 20:04

Oh god, poor fruit. +1

by Subject90Subject90, 27 Feb 2017 19:52

More changes to the format and sentence structure. title 6

More changes by PentonPenton, 27 Feb 2017 19:46

This page has been incorrectly deleted. You should choose "Delete Completely" on the bottom, not "Just rename".

by AccelerandoAccelerando, 27 Feb 2017 19:45
SemiaSemia 27 Feb 2017 19:37
in discussion Per Page Discussions / Per page discussions » SCP-2834

following up previous posts, i feel this has serious potential however i do feel as though you have a few problems with tone, it slips out of clinical and in formal frequently and some words are quite un professional, however with time and editing this could become a really good SCP.

Also this SCP could really do with a picture, i feel as though it would give a better image of just what the SCP is. if you need any help with finding a photo, please PM me.

by SemiaSemia, 27 Feb 2017 19:37

do you have the article or proof of that? i would love to see

This is my type of humor and I'm mad at you for writing to my tastes.

by DecibellesDecibelles, 27 Feb 2017 19:21

There's a broken collapsible.

by BluemorphoBluemorpho, 27 Feb 2017 19:09

… I think anything from DF is automatically disqualified from this thread. Otherwise, it'd quickly turn into a "Things what happened in a DF game".

I have written a personal message to Psul where I explained that it didn't occur to me that it was perceived to point to something truly appalling; sex trafficking and abuse of that nature.

That was not in any way a point I was trying to make; my phrasing is wrong and that is something you might have to deal with since not all people here are from a country where English is the native language.

Other than that, I could but I won't, apologize for my sense of humor. I don't know what make others laugh, so I use myself.

I do apologize for stirring things up and I thank Psul for getting my attention to the part where my writing is perceived as offensive. I will rephrase it.
Thank you.

Don' judge me, mon - I'm only white on da outside!

That's a fair cop.

I'm more stating that, in its current state, it doesn't seem to fit in to either a joke or normal SCP format.

by Zara_CalicoZara_Calico, 27 Feb 2017 18:38

I'd agree that this has no chance on the mainsite. The lapse in clinical tone was so pronounced by the "Stage-3" section that I had to double-check that you hadn't intended it as a joke article. I don't suggest repurposing it, however, as there are plenty of "cute thing is actually horrific" jokes already.

Just writing a scary monster doesn't really cut it these days, as there are plenty of scary monsters to compare with. If you're going for "the world is constantly on a knife-edge, and feeding a cute dog is the only way to sustain it", then I'd suggest drawing the story out some more - build up the tension over the course of the article, rather than jumping straight to "destructo-dog".

You'll also need to deal with the logistics if you're going to write this seriously. How did the Foundation stop this beast in the first place? How does it know about the transformations? How did it learn the exact timing and content of each feed without the world being destroyed during the process?

Re: First Ever SCP - Lilikins by psulpsul, 27 Feb 2017 18:28

After a few people suggested taking the story in a different direction, I've made some significant changes to SCP-2694. I've removed all compulsion effects, and driven the narrative more towards the POI than the scip itself.

SCP-2694 Revisions by SpudkinSpudkin, 27 Feb 2017 18:24

I'm not convinced by the whole "Final Destination, but a pen" thing. Firstly, how many people still physically write down their appointments? Secondly, how would the Foundation (or anyone) have ever traced this - enough people die at things they've planned to do that it's hard to think that this would stand out.

And it all seems too narratively convenient. Once someone owns the pen, they're more-or-less fated to die soon (unless they have the magic antidote of UIU/Foundation training) - that doesn't make for much of a story. The tension of reading this type of log comes from thinking "how will the character get out of this" or "how would I get out of this situation". If the solution is something that doesn't exist in the real world, the game has been rigged and is less satisfying. I'm sorry to say that I think this is probably fatal for this idea.

Finally, I don't believe that the Foundation would leave an incorrect document on the database. They could easily use the outdated version (saved in a separate place) for training purposes, but the database that tells you how to keep anomalous objects safely contained? That's going to have the real information.

Re: Appointment With Death by psulpsul, 27 Feb 2017 18:22

this conversation about Dwarf Fortress

"I had a kitten once scratch a dragon's eye out and kept dodging the flames so eventually the dragon bled to death, and the act itself was so epic that the game crashed"

"I once made the game so that dwarves can breath fire, NEVER, EVER, EVER LET THEM DIVE INTO A TANTRUM SPIRAL"

"A dwarf suffocated on its own puke once, and the doctor diagnosed it as rotten lungs and had them removed"

Ughhh it's so cheesy but I have to upvote because I have a deeply personal obsession with ®©™ jokes and they never fail to amuse me. You could even say they're G-r-r-reat.

by CyantreuseCyantreuse, 27 Feb 2017 18:14
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