Eshu 4
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Fig 1.1. Native humanoid entity manifesting midair.


UPDATE: Previous nomenclative prevention methods have been deemed inadequate. Descriptions have been altered to foster linguistic diversity and prevent nomenclative overlap.


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Fig 1.2. A deep subject.

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Fig 1.2. A deep subject.

Item #: Restricted per protocol 4000-Eshu.

Object Class: Keter

Special Containment Procedures: The sextradimensional location described below as well as the erogenous entities and libidinous landmarks contained therein are nomenclative hazards (Eshu Class) and therefore may not be referred to by any name, title, designation, or double entendre. Only descriptions may be used when referring to the place where weird shit happens and native entities thereof. Variations must be made in these descriptions each time a subject is described. Descriptions may be color coded for clarity,1 and florid language may be used for the sake of nomenclative diversity.

In the event of a nomenclative containment breach, standard Eshu Class recontainment protocol must be carried out immediately by the individual responsible for the breach. If the individual is rendered unable to perform the procedure, the responsibility falls to the individual's next of kin.

If the individual responsible for the breach has no known next of kin, the individual's name must be expurgated from all existing documents and records; any other individuals possessing the same name are to be administered vigorous waterboarding and tabletop roleplaying games with that one minmaxing neckbeard who always tries to argue with the GM.

In accordance with Order O5-4000-F26, at least one successful expedition into the forest of furries and people who have sex behind trees, apparently must be carried out per year to assess any deviations from baseline abnormality. Due to the high risk involved in entering the massive orgy site, personnel sent in to conduct research must be trained in Standard Exploration Protocol as detailed in 4000-SEP.

Unauthorized documentation of them thar namey hills must be suppressed via standard information containment protocol. Unauthorized individuals with knowledge of Procedure 4000-Halloway are to be administered amnestics2 and may be released following a period of disquisitional rehabilitation.

Description: The award-winning SCP in question is an extradimensional forested area with numerous anomalous qualities, including a hazardous nomenclative phenomenon. My trousers can be accessed by performing 4000-Halloway (see document DOC-4000-H). After completing the procedure, subjects emerge from the opening of an anus of the Earth fixed into the forest floor (see fig 1.2).

The only way to reliably traverse the wrong side of the tracks is by use of those neat miniature cars that Shriners drive. Explorations that diverged from the teachings of our lord Toucan Sam have resulted in immediate loss of contact with participating subjects. The path of the Jedi may only be traversed in a single direction, and any attempt to turn back and return the way you came will result in you getting fucked up big time, boo.

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Fig 1.3. A common example of a quas-bestial native entity.

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Fig 1.3. A common example of a quas-bestial native entity.

The Enchanted Forest from ABC's Once Upon a Time, available now on select streaming services, does not adhere to the constraints of linear space. Cartographic endeavors have resulted in vastly different routes being recorded with each expedition, and sections of my ungodly colon which should logically overlap or intersect do not.3 The only consistency in the layout is the perpetual presence of Dr. Kondraki loudly eating Spaghetti-O's in the treetops, which is usually accompanied by the sight of a water bottle inexplicably protruding from his asscheeks.

The only way for a subject to safely exit the big bad ookums spookums after they have begun following it is to rush to the start, running in circles,4 then going back to the start at the opposite end.

A variety of anomalous entities native to the trashnasty wordspace have been documented. Native entities often undergo changes in physical structure when unobserved, which has made it difficult for researchers to determine which recorded entities are unique beings and which are newer iterations of those previously documented. Entities claim they have no control over these changes and frequently express dissatisfaction when they occur.

Native entities often look unspeakably fabulous, making it necessary for subjects to interact with them to progress. Native entities are sapient and often highly temperamental, but can be interacted with safely as long as 4000-SEP precautions are followed.5 Consequences for disregarding these precautions will vary depending on the personality of the offended entity: degrees of retribution encountered by research subjects have included verbal rebuke, acts of violence, and anomalous alteration of the subject's physical, conceptual, or nomenclative attributes.

Various anomalous phenomena may occur when consistent nomenclature is applied to Barbara Streisand's Malibu residence, its native entities, or its landmarks. These phenomena are still poorly understood, partially due to the prohibition of nomenclative experimentation under Order O5-4000-F26.

Documented nomenclative phenomena have included:

  • Breakfast sensation.
  • Episodic cluster headaches among subjects exposed to affected nomenclature.
  • Initiating flight path through the skin layer.
  • Sudden onset of psychogenic amnesia among exposed subjects.
  • Silly crab productions.
  • Manifestation of various flora within indoor spaces where nomenclature was used.
  • Agent Cooper's sexual education.
  • Sudden transport of native entities to areas where nomenclature was used.
  • Facility Director Shirley Gillespie and the smell her body is wrapped in.
  • Biological fusion of exposed subjects and native entities.
  • Killing the exposed subjects' sass threshold.
  • Biological fusion of native entities and architectural spaces where nomenclature was used.
  • The Gay.
  • Exposed subjects chewing their own tongues into a salsa-like paste and then gargling it.
  • Another spinoff wiki.
  • The Big Gay.

Order O5-4000-F26 was ratified by the Overseer Council in 1954. A 1970 amendment requires that O5-4000-F26 receive unanimous endorsement from the Council every 10 years in order to remain in effect. To date, no Overseer memos regarding O5-4000-F26 have been disseminated to lower clearance levels.


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