SPINES AND SOCKS IN LAS VEGAS


Item #: SCP-WOW-J

Object Class: Xilas WTF

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-WOW-J is contained in a standard item containment locker at Site-127. SCP-WOW-J is not to be examined by any electronic device. Under no circumstances is SCP-WOW to come into contact with either the moon,1 twenty-seven cubic meters of high-grade plutonium,2 roadkill,3 or the entirety of empty space, compacted into a barrel and liquidated. Additionally, SCP-WOW-J-A instances are not to be washed.

Should SCP-WOW-J or any of its subsidiary instances escape containment, Mobile Task Force Omega-69 ("Full Metal Circlejerk") shall be deployed to destroy everything within a 100 meter radius of the containment breach. Procedures 1-Montauk through 109-Montauk are to be performed every twenty four (⚄⚄⚄⚄|⚃) hours on that guy that decided to ever use "Hiemal" as an object class. This has nothing to do with SCP-WOW-J but is important nonetheless.

Furthermore, senior researcher Dr. Bruce Namtab is authorized to use SCP-WOW-J as a replacement for his Viagra medication, but only when there are raccoons within 10 feet of his pure titanium Subaru sports utility vehicle and, even then, only if he says please in a high-pitched voice and in such a way so that it sounds like the infantile 'pweaaase.' Smoke weed everyday.

Description: SCP-WOW-J typically appears as a green bong. SCP-WOW-J, when damaged, will crack and break apart into shards, which will reform into clones hereby designated as SCP-WOW-C. SCP-WOW-C instances do not appear to have anomalous properties and function as a standard green bong. SCP-WOW-C instances have been cleared for use in several different Site breakrooms. However, SCP-WOW-J’s primary anomaly is that it, over a period of five days, extracts dead socks from the surrounding vicinity. These dead socks materialize in the center of the bong, and are to be designated as SCP-WOW-J-A. Currently, Foundation researchers are unable to determine how SCP-WOW-J determines the difference between “live” and “dead” socks. SCP-WOW-J is presumed to not be an intelligent lifeform, but it has been observed that SCP-WOW-J is capable of manipulating the cerebrospinal fluid production of individuals monitoring it through CCTV. Because of this, a physical check system has been put in place, designated Containment Procedure 39.

When aggravated, SCP-WOW-J will attempt to crush any offending persons with its own body. However, sometimes it only emits a low hum.

SCP-WOW-J was discovered in a police raid of a suspected drug hideout, and SCP-WOW-J was then transferred to Foundation custody. When Foundation agents questioned the residents of the hideout about the disappearance of socks, all the residents questioned who had recently used any type of drug repeatedly screamed “Not the socks! I’m sorry! NOT THE SOCKS!”. The significance of this is being researched.

Addendum SCP-WOW-J-01:
On May 19, 2006, nothing at all of interest happened. let me die

Addendum 2:
In the event of the failure of Containment Procedure 39, the Foundation is to officially be declared no longer in existence. Terminal Order 69 will be issued to all personnel, along with all necessary lubricants and mechanical aids. Go wild, kids.

Addendum 3: SCP-WOW-J has since been observed obsessing over a three panel Garfield comic strip, which features Jon and Garfield sparring over a pipe and ends with Garfield slaughtering Jon and declaring himself victorious by smoking said pipe.

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