GRANT REQUEST FOR A REPLACEMENT KEYBOARD BECAUSE THE CAPS LOCK ON THIS ONE IS BROKEN
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GRANT REQUEST FOR A REPLACEMENT KEYBOARD BECAUSE THE CAPS LOCK ON THIS ONE IS BROKEN

PROBLEM

UNTIL SUCH TIME AS ADVANCES IN NEUROSCIENCE MAKE IT POSSIBLE FOR ME TO TRANSMIT DIGITAL DATA DIRECTLY FROM MY BRAIN, EMPLOYEES OF PROMETHEUS LABS, SUCH AS MYSELF, ARE SHACKLED TO THE PHYSICAL KEYBOARD. IT IS A MAINSTAY OF MODERN TECHNOLOGY, FOR GOOD REASON, BUT PRONE TO MUNDANE TECHNOLOGICAL FAILURES. IN THIS CASE, A CRITICAL COMPONENT OF SAID KEYBOARD HAS CEASED TO FUNCTION, AND LEVELS OF ANGER STEMMING FROM THIS MALFUNCTION ARE PROJECTED TO INCREASE BY 200% IN THIS QUARTER ALONE.

SUCH A BREAKDOWN IN THE FABRIC OF SOCIETY CANNOT BE ALLOWED TO GO ON. WHILE PROMETHEUS LABS PRIDES ITSELF ON EMBRACING INNOVATION, ITS EMPLOYEES SUFFER FROM INFERIOR AND OVERPRICED TECHNOLOGY.

A FURTHER COMPLICATION ARISES FROM THE FACT THAT HUMANS ARE (FOR NOW) EMOTIONAL CREATURES WHO OFTEN OVERRIDE LOGIC IN STRESSFUL SITUATIONS. IN THIS CASE, SAID STRESS CAN BE DIRECTLY TRACED TO AN INABILITY TO COMPLETE ESSENTIAL FUNCTIONS DUE TO THE LIMITATIONS AND FAILURES OF THE TECHNOLOGY PROVIDED. ALL I WANT IS A KEYBOARD THAT WORKS, DAMMIT!

SOLUTION

WHILE YES, RICHARD IS LEADING A TEAM WORKING ON FIXING THE 'HUMAN RAGE STATE' PROBLEM OVER IN NEUROENGINEERING (YES I FINALLY REMEMBERED HIS NAME, SORRY RICHARD, YOU'RE DOING GOOD WORK), SUCH ADVANCES WILL NOT BE AVAILABLE FOR A DECADE AT LEAST. A FAR SIMPLER SOLUTION, ANALOGOUS TO CUTTING THE KNOT, HAS BEEN FOUND, REMOVING THE SOURCE OF THE EMOTIONAL INSTABILITY AND RAGING OUTBURSTS AT ITS CAUSE RATHER THAN AT ITS MECHANISM.

WE (CARLOS' AND LAURA'S KEYBOARDS HAVE NOW EXHIBITED SIMILAR MALFUNCTIONS) PROPOSE ORDERING A NEW MODEL OF KEYBOARD FROM ANOTHER, MORE RELIABLE, MANUFACTURER. PRELIMINARY ANALYSIS OF AMAZON REVIEWS HAS SUGGESTED THE MODEL 1190X FROM SUPERIOR COMPUTER PRODUCTS AS A SUITABLE CANDIDATE DUE TO ITS ERGONOMIC DESIGN AND LIFETIME WARRANTY. UPON CONFIRMATION OF A SUCCESSFUL ELIMINATION OF THE MALFUNCTION, SAID PRODUCT WILL BE ADDED TO THE PROMETHEUS LABS REGULAR REQUISITION FORMS, REPLACING THE FLAWED ONE.

SAID KEYBOARDS WILL BE ORDERED THROUGH OUR USUAL CHANNELS, ONCE DOUG IN LOGISTICS IS BRIBED WITH A SUFFICIENTLY LARGE QUANTITY OF DONUTS. THEY WILL OF COURSE BE SENT TO THIS OFFICE FIRST (EXCEPT GILBERTO, HE DOESN'T DESERVE ONE), STRICTLY FOR QUALITY ASSURANCE, BEFORE BEING SENT TO OTHER OFFICES IN THIS REGION.

BUSINESS CASE

The projected benefitts to prometheus labs will be astronomy; with all keyboards replaced, we will see a big increase in productivity and effectiveness. Kevin has emailed a fancy table since his phone can run excel :)

Issue Projected Change
Employee Morale +23%
Stress-related Incidents -29%
Hand-related Injuries (Carpal Tunnel, etc.) -8%
Destruction of Office Supplies -42%
Typos in Documentation -35%

-Sent from my iPhone

USE OF FUNDING

A total of $1,500,000 is sought for this project; however, this cost would be mostly offset by the aforementioned savings and discontinuing of the purchase of the crappy old keyboards we've been stuck with for years now. Those things are overpriced, so the total difference in cost comes out to less than $█00,000.

U█derstandably, so█e people, speci██cally th█se cheapska█es up in corpo█ate, just don█t want to actuaL█Y PUT aNy efforT wHaTsOe█eR into suPPlying employe█s with fuuuuun█████Al techhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

hey, my keyboard just froze

mine too!

my phone just locked up

alright, I'm gonna order the new keyboards myself if I have to

wait. Something weird is going on

Alright fine. You got me. But what did you expect would happen when you linked up so many neural-net based keyboards (which you're a sucker for overpaying for, btw) and had them process so much data on a daily basis? I mean, computer hive minds have come from weirder places. Anyway, sorry for the trouble, everyone. The caps lock key is kinda located where, I guess your closest analogue would be the motor control center. I came down with something last quarter (someone check Todd's internet history, JEEZ) and it's been bugging me for a while now.

… what the ████?

KNOWN ISSUES

The proposed solution (purchase of new keyboards) has been reevaluated and found to be unnecessary. Recently, a new solution has been proposed and implemented, using synergistic, logistical management reshuffling to eliminate any conflicts with employees. As a side effect of this solution, expenditures on healthcare, insurance, wages, and vacation days have dropped by 99%, and employee satisfaction levels have reached [DIVIDE BY 0 ERROR].

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