Test 914-0499
Name: Dr. Harper
Date: 01/04/2019
Total Items: Twenty standard stainless steel ball-peen hammers with oak wood handles
Note: The purpose of these tests is to properly catalogue the possibilities that the
recently manufactured extra panels might offer. Authorization for an exemption to the
ban on biological testing pending, I've opted not to pursue the Animal and Vegetable
settings, or the remaining Mineral setting for that matter. - Dr. Harper
Input: One Ball-peen hammer
Setting: Rough
Mood setting: Curious
Output: A ball-peen hammer, sliced into neat 2cm thick portions, arranged into a neat semicircle.
Input: One Ball-peen hammer
Setting: Coarse
Mood Setting: Curious
Output: A scraped and battered ball-peen hammer, inscribed with obscure sentences and pictograms. Analysis on their possible meaning is ongoing, though low-priority.
Input: One Ball-peen hammer
Setting: 1:1
Mood Setting: Curious
Output: An irregularly-shaped ball-peen hammer with a stainless steel handle and a wooden head.
Input: One Ball-peen hammer
Setting: Fine
Mood Setting: Curious
Output: A music box composed of oak and stainless steel which plays the hook of "U Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer.
Input: One Ball-peen hammer
Setting: Very Fine
Mood Setting: Curious
Output: A small war hammer adorned with Nordic runes. When held by a human, the holder is possessed by an entity calling itself 'Asmund', claiming to be a deceased viking warrior. Entity is mostly non-hostile, and will primarily recount glorified tales of its supposed exploits. Removing item reverts its holder to their normal state of mind.
Input: One Ball-peen hammer
Setting: Rough
Mood Setting: Malicious
Output: Ashes and molten steel. Molten steel proved excessively difficult to remove - ultimately requiring the entire output booth floor to be replaced.
Note: Usually 914 resorts to scare tactics or physical harm. Toil is an entirely other
echelon of malice, I'd say. - Dr. Harper
Input: One Ball-peen hammer
Setting: Coarse
Mood Setting: Malicious
Output: Item appeared unchanged. A D-class was instructed to retrieve it. Upon touch, the item collapsed seemingly into dust. Testing has determined that breathing the dust will cause an allergic reaction in which an itchy rash will form whenever the recipient is in physical contact with hammers.
Input: One Ball-peen hammer
Setting: 1:1
Mood Setting: Malicious
Output: A hammer which had been stretched to a length of 4 meters and 22 centimeters, fitting into the output chamber from corner to corner. Item was broken in two in order to retrieve it. Item weighs exactly the same as the original hammer.
Input: One Ball-peen hammer
Setting: Fine
Mood Setting: Malicious
Output: A hammer which switches places with whatever item it hits. No upper limit to the weight or dimensions of such objects has been found.
Note: This is a major containment issue. When in contact with any matter, it counts
even tiny vibrations as "hitting", eventually wriggling out of piles of sand and even
jelly. Currently our best bet at containment is to suspend it in mind-air magnetically. I
shudder to think what would happen if this thing ever touched bedrock. - Dr. Harper
Input: One Ball-peen hammer
Setting: Very Fine
Mood Setting: Malicious
Output: A hammer that did not initially display any deviations from the input item. Testing was at first inconclusive. After 24 hours of disuse, the item duplicated itself. Further testing has confirmed that the item duplicates itself whenever it isn't used at least once in any given 24 hour period, with all copies retaining the anomalous properties. All resulting hammers successfully contained.
Input: One Ball-peen hammer
Setting: Rough
Mood Setting: Insightful
Output: A ball-peen hammer broken in two. Analysis suggests item was broken by stress from overuse.
Input: One Ball-peen hammer
Setting: Coarse
Mood Setting: Insightful
Output: Irregular wooden tubes aligning to the tree rings found on the original hammer. Two irregular metal objects, one pure iron and the other pure chromium. Analysis suggests that the metals are arranged in the shape in which they were originally contained as ores.
Input: One Ball-peen hammer
Setting: 1:1
Mood Setting: Insightful
Output: A small device with a stainless steel outer shell and three buttons. Each button corresponds to a single wooden slab which protrudes out from the top of the machine via a simple non-anomalous mechanism. The slabs read "Baa Baa", "Dolly" and "Shaun" respectively. On the bottom of the machine is an inscription stating that the machine is "A lamb-name helper".
Note: Upon mentioning the seemingly non-sequitur object to Researcher Jaynim of the linguistics department, she informed me that "A lamb-name helper" is an anagram of "A ball-peen hammer". - Dr. Harper
Input: One Ball-peen hammer
Setting: Fine
Mood Setting: Insightful
Output: A miniature shoemaking toolkit missing its hammer.
Input: One Ball-peen hammer
Setting: Very Fine
Mood Setting: Insightful
Output: A hammer which changes appearance upon being picked up. Investigation revealed that the form taken often signifies great nostalgia to the holder. Physical attributes remain unchanged even when appearance is altered.
Input: One Ball-peen hammer
Setting: Rough
Mood Setting: Jovial
Output: A small 50 piece puzzle depicting the collective outputs from the previous fifteen tests, with the addition of four unidentified objects.
Note: If I know anything about 914, those four extra items will be the resulting
items from the last four tests I've scheduled. - Dr. Harper
Note 2: Having completed the tests, I can confirm this to be true. - Dr. Harper
Input: One Ball-peen hammer
Setting: Coarse
Mood Setting: Jovial
Output: A ball-peen hammer with a loosened head. Upon originally being picked up from the output booth, the head came off and struck the personnel on their foot, causing slight amusement to other personnel at present. Hammer and its components found to be non-anomalous.
Input: One Ball-peen hammer
Setting: 1:1
Mood Setting: Jovial
Output: Twenty miniature hammers placed in a display case, equal in total weight to the original input. While comprised of the same raw materials, each miniature hammer is unique in design.
Input: One Ball-peen hammer
Setting: Fine
Mood Setting: Jovial
Output: A hammer inscribed with the phrase "Whistle while you work". Using the hammer to perform any kind of physical work causes a mild compulsion to whistle or hum while doing so.
Input: One Ball-peen hammer
Setting: Very Fine
Mood Setting: Jovial
Output: A hammer which grows or shrinks to accommodate the minimum constraining volume. Can be easily shrunk in size by applying any amount of force to opposing sides. A sound akin to a slide whistle can be heard whenever the item changes size.
Note: I hope that this had any kind of research merit. If anybody can convince the higher-ups to test with the other control panel, be my guest. - Dr. Harper