SCPokemon
rating: +191+x

“So you’re saying that we can’t close 826 until…”

“Until somebody finishes the main narrative, yes.”

“And we still don’t know where the skip is… hiding, in the setting.”

“That is also correct.”

“What the hell happened? It never screwed up like this before.”

“As far as we can tell, the interaction between the item, along with the book and matching electronic media caused the anomaly. We never tested 826 with multiple formats of matching subject matter.”

“… God dammit. What now?”

“I suggest we send an expeditionary force to retrieve the item. However, because of the nature of the setting, only one Agent may be sent at a time. We sent a three-man team in and they exploded.”

“What.”

“However, it has been found that we can retrieve inorganic items from the setting and keep them indefinitely within our world. While we do believe that they will degrade and vanish once the setting is closed, I believe that this gives us a… how does one say, cheat code, in winning back SCP-826.”

“… what kinds of ‘inorganic items’?”

“Please come with me. We have some preparations to make.”


Dr Django Bridge had offered to house the Bookends at his Site for a while. While Site-66 is labelled as a Bio-Site, it usually houses miscellaneous animate SCP objects that may or may not be organic. Of course, he did this with the expectation that the other Doctors would keep their stuff out of his stuff. And of course, everything always cocks up.

“I’m not an Agent. Why do I have to-”

“You have proven in the past to be an expert when it comes to the current circumstances of the item.” said the ginger-headed research assistant.

Bridge was being pulled down the hall by several Agents and Research Assistant Steve, towards the unused area of the Site.

“That doesn’t even make sense. What did you do to my site?!” Bridge was irate.

“Listen, I’m just reading from a script, my doc wants you to do it.” They turned a corner and reached a door to a testing chamber.

“I don’t even know what you people are doing.”

“Err sorry. Just take the instructions and backpack.” And with that, a large backpack was hefted into Bridge’s arms by an Agent, and the paper into his hands.

“… Fine. Whatever. Okay. I’ll do your fucking mission.”

As everyone else piled out, Bridge looked at the portal. A door of white light, opening to the unknown fuckup beyond. He took a deep breath, then a long sigh. Sure, he’s messed up here and there. The cockup with the lizard and ticket, yes, that was a bad move. Taking photographs of Birth Worm wearing funny hats? Yes, okay, that’s dumb. But what the HELL did he do to deserve this?

Oh well. After several minutes of dread and reflection, he slung on the pack and stepped in.


“So why is the guy who pulled the bullshit with the ticket going in to retrieve this skip?” Agent Dodridge leaned against a wall, watching monitors watching Bridge.

“Eh, it can’t hurt. At best, everyone and everything comes back unharmed. At worst, he dies.” Agent Lament shrugged. He sat at the desk and got comfortable.

“Yeah, but wouldn’t one of us do better? This guy’s a fucking… archivist? According to his file.”

“Throw him a bone. He’ll appreciate it if he survives.”


Bridge opened his eyes and looked around. A bedroom; a bed in one corner, computer… A TV and Super Nintendo sitting in the middle of the floor, that’s a bit strange. Shrug. Stairs in the corner of the bedroom. What…? Whatever.

He descended the stairs, noticing a woman at a table. Okay. Seems non-hostile.

“… hello?” He tapped the woman on the shoulder. She turned and smiled.

“Right. All boys leave home someday. It said so on TV. Prof. Oak, next door, is looking for you.”

He froze for a moment, staring at the woman, before running out the front door and looking around. A larger building to the left, empty fields to the right, a small fence before him, water beyond. He dropped the backpack and finally read the mission brief Steve gave him.

Dr. Bridge. Enclosed is a set of mission-appropriate equipment, a photograph of SCP-826, and a packed lunch. Please retrieve SCP-826 as soon as humanly possible, and do not allow the complete destruction of any of the provided items. If our theories are correct, if you reach a “game over”, you will die.
- Agent Lament

Inside the bag were six red and white spheres, numbered 1 through 6.

“… My mission is a Pokémon Red Nuzlocke with a hacked team. Fuck yes.” He turned and started off north, sticking a foot into knee-height grass.

“Hey wait! Don’t go out!” He stopped. He turned to see an old man with a lab coat making his way towards him. “It’s unsafe!” “Go away-” “Wild Pokémon live in the tall grass! You need your own Pokémon for your protection.” “I really don-” “I know!” “Stop-” “Here, come with me!” “No dammit-”

Oak dragged Bridge to his lab, next to a scowling kid. “Gramps! I’m fed up with waiting!” “Gary? Hm, let me think… Oh, that’s right, I told you to come! Just wait! Here, Django…”

Bridge ignored the script, tapping his foot impatiently. As soon as Oak was done talking, he turned to leave.

“Wait Django! Lets check out our Pokémon! Come on, I’ll take you on!”

With a flash of light, a Charmander appeared before Bridge. He picked Ball #1 from his belt and -

A flash of light; a flash of red; a huge, hulking thing appeared. A spine-sail down its back; its mouth filled with enormous, glowing, red teeth; sightless, eyeless face; unmoving mouth, laughing with many voices.

“… Oh my god.”


“… What the fuck.” Dodridge breathed flatly.

“I think it’s the one we shot the lungs out of. In the game world it won’t kill Bridge. I think. ”

“… Really? REALLY?”


The thing laughed at Charmander, screaming in four distinct voices. Charmander shivered, then leapt and scratched it across the face.

SCP-939’s INTIMIDATE cut enemy CHARMANDER’s ATTACK!
CHARMANDER’s ATTACK fell!
CHARMANDER used SCRATCH!

Telepathic game prompts. Time to make shit up.

“Crunch!”


“Well that was violent.” remarked Lament.

“What do you fucking expect? What else has he got?!”


Three hours later, Bridge was strolling through Cerulean City, into the Pokémon Center. Poking his head in every building, looking in every bookshelf, in every PC, there was no 826. He DID have the Boulder Badge though. Sherman took care of Brock.

Entering the Gym, he tossed a ball into the pool. Three minutes later, he stepped out, Bob hopping behind. To the Nugget Bridge!


“He’s enjoying this too much.”

“Eh, let him have his fun.”

“No look at him. These are war crimes. They melted.”


Three more hours, and Bridge exited Celadon Gym, with Lazerbeak gliding close behind.

“You’re kickass, Laze. How do you know Steel Wing? That’s not around till Gen 2.”

“SCRAW!”

“That is a horrible noise.”


“Why do they listen to him?”

“I dunno.”

“No, that thing doesn’t even move until night. How’d you even acquire any of these? Zero Seventy Five is a high, high risk Keter. The fuck’s with these Doctors?”

“I honestly have no idea. Wasn’t me who put the forms in. Steve rolled a bunch of dice and used the numbers to requisition for testing.”

“… god damn it Steve.”


Bridge exited Saffron Gym riding on Pazuzu’s shoulders. The dried up, shuddering corpse shivered and twitched, ignored by Bridge and the rest of the fucknormous spider beast.

“Awesome job Pazuzu. You fucking decapitated ‘Zam with that last X-Scissor. I am in no way surprised that you’re Dark-Bug type, hell, I’m not even going to ask why your attacks are ahead of your time. Just keep kicking ass.”

“Hhh-” coughed the corpse. “Sh-K!-ssss” shrieked the spider.

They rode off to Route 19.


“… Goddamn. It ate the fucking mime.” Dodridge sank into a seat.

“MISTER, Mime, to be completely accurate.”

“Shut up. Just shut up. I feel sick.”


“… I wonder…” Bridge leaned on Cinnabar Island’s Pokémon Center’s counter, waiting for the healing machine to finish. Blaine’s Gym is was babies.

“… fuckit.” He grabbed his balls and headed outside, calling on Lazerbeak to fly him to Viridian. Reaching the Pokémon Center, he headed north and saw a balding man laid out on the ground.

“Ahh, I’ve had my coffee now and I feel great! Sure you can go through! Are you in a hurry?”

“No.”

“I see you’re using a Pokédex. When you catch a Pók̀ém̵o͏n͝,҉ ̷the ͢Pokéd́ex ͜is a͡utomatic͡a͜ll̷y͟ ̡u̴p͏da̵͡t̢͡ed̢́.̛ ͞Ẃ̧h̛ą̛҉t̢͠͞?̷ ͜͝Yo̸̸u̵̡ d̛o҉n͠’t҉ kno͠w ̀hơw ̷toc͠at̶c̛h́ ́Po͟k҉é͞m҉on? I’l͢l̴ ͘s͢how͝ ͏y͢ǫu ͟h̶̕͡o̷̢̕͡͞w҉̧͠ ͘͘t́̕h͢͢ȩ̷҉͢͞n̴̕͘̕͜.̶̨̢͡҉”

Bridge sighed and waited. A chill ran up his spine…

Wait, when did the sky get so dark…?

A wild WEEDLE appeared!
Fight
Item
Pokéballx50
OLD MAN used Pokéball!
All right! WEEDLE was caught!

"Oh shi-"

The man flickered and turned to look at Bridge; he was greasy, with a pointed, horrible grin; slick, rancid hair, the stench of death. He floated above the ground a bit, black ichor dripping onto the dirt, hissing and burning like so many nightmares.

“͢F̕͡i̕͜͞r̨̕͠s̸̢͠t,̴ ̴̡̧y͜o̶ų̵ ́n̷̸e̴̷e͟͡d̵͟ ͞t̨o̡͞ ҉w̶e͏ąk̕e҉n̛ ͟t̡̛̀h́e ̨͢͠t̶̡a҉r͞ge̛t͠ ̷Poķ͘é̸͠ḿ͜o͝͞n͢҉.̷͠”̨̡

“… Nope.”

Lazerbeak flew Bridge the fuck out of there and back to Cinnabar Island. He made his way to the shoreline, tossed Welker into the water, and climbed on its shoulders.

They swam for a few minutes up and down the shoreline. Then… something appeared. Without warning, the skies darkened; a tall pillar of glitch code flourished into being in before Bridge and Welker.

Wild MISSINGNO. appeared!
WELKER’s INTIMIDATE cut enemy MISSINGNO.’s ATTACK!

“Recontainment of Theta-Prime commencing.” Bridge muttered with a grin as he hopped into the shallows. Welker began singing nursery rhymes, teeth glowing redder; the glitchmon itself began to glow with a harsh light.


“What the fuck was that.” Dodridge paled.

“Don’t tell me you didn’t expect it.” Lament sighed, leaning an elbow on the desk.

“… How… no. He’s fighting math. He intimidated math.”

“I’m checking the Foundnet to see if anything breached containment. Just settle down and let me look for 106.”


Two hours later, Bridge exited the Viridian Gym, Johnny in tow. The city burned, small cracks forming in the sky, Glitchmon leaking through. Old Man was nowhere to be seen.

“Fuel.”

“No.”

“FUEL.”

“Johnny, return, stop whining. We’re getting the fuck out of here.”


“… he…”

“Just keep watching.”

“He just…”

“Yeah. Shh. Nothing on 106. Hasn’t even moved.”


“Finally…” Bridge looked up to the huge building before him. Ten straight hours inside the game. He was tired, hungry, and had to piss. “The Pokémon League. Thanks for owning Victory Road, Welker.”

“Thanks for owning Victory Road, Welker.”

“Shut up.”

“Shut up.”

“No, you.”

“No, you.”

“Bahahaa”

Bahhahaha!

“Okay that was fucking creepy."


“We’re gonna incinerate that thing.” Dodridge punched the table, staring at the screen.

“What, Welker?”

“WHAT DO YOU THINK?”


“Welcome to the Pokémon League!” A woman in glasses greeted Bridge past the doors and rest center. The room freezing, containing only a floating dock on a deep, deep pool. “I am Lorelei of the Elite Four!”

Bridge sighed, dropping a ball. It burst into light, the dock creaking under the Bob’s insane weight.

“No one can best me when it comes to icy Pokémon!” Lorelei laughed. “Freezing moves are powerful! Your Pokémon will be at my mercy when they are frozen solid! Hahaha! Are you ready?”

Bob, use Acid.”

BOB used ACID!
ELITE FOUR LORELEI sent out DEWGONG!
Critical hit! Enemy DEWGONG fainted!
ELITE FOUR LORELEI sent out CLOYSTER!
Critical hit! Enemy CLOYSTER fainted!
ELITE FOUR LORELEI sent out SLOWBRO!
Critical hit! Enemy SLOWBRO fainted!
ELITE FOUR LORELEI sent out JYNX!
Critical hit! It’s not very effective…
Enemy JYNX fainted!
ELITE FOUR LORELEI sent out LAPRAS!
Critical hit! Enemy LAPRAS fainted!

A Dewgong appeared with a flash and dove under the water. Bob followed suit, sinking through the docks. The water began to cloud; the docks began to creak. Soon, Dewgong floated to the surface and returned to its ball. Another flash of light, and a plop to the side as Cloyster clamped and dove in; soon, it returned to Lorelei in a red light.

The docks started sinking. Lorelei’s Jynx fired silver Icebeams into the water and waves of telekinetic force battered the pool; neither Ice nor Psychic attacks could strike the irrationally agile snail. Soon the docks gave way under Jynx and it fell into the water. Another burst of red, then white, then red light, and Lorelei’s Lapras fell through the rest of the sinking docks.

Bridge stretched and began walking, then running to the next door. In a last-second Indiana Jones maneuver, Bridge slid under the closing door to Bruno and returned Bob to its ball.

“Sorry to give you the cold shoulder, but I have places to be.”


“I’m gonna kill him.” Dodridge’s eye twitched.

Lament burst out laughing.

“Straight up murder him in his sleep.” Twitch twitch.

“I’m more annoyed at the choice of attacks. Zero Seven Five’s caustic, not acidic.” Lament mused.

“Is there a fucking difference?”

“Shh… shh. Leave the science to me, Jason. It’s better that way.”


"I am Bruno of the Elite Four!” Shouted the shirtless man sitting in the middle of a room full of rocks and dirt. “Through rigorous training, people and Pokémon can become stronger without limit.”

Bridge dropped Sherman’s ball. A burst of white light, a rustle of leaves, and a massive pile of kindling crowded his half of the arena.

“I've lived and trained with my Fighting Pokémon! And that will never change!” An Onix burst from the ground. Onix is Rock/Ground type.

“Django! We will grind you down with our superior power! Hoo hah!"

“Sherman, Razor Leaf!” Bridge commanded.

SHERMAN used RAZOR LEAF! It’s super effective!
Enemy ONIX used HARDEN! Enemy ONIX's DEFENSE rose!
SHERMAN used RAZOR LEAF! It’s super effective! Enemy ONIX fainted!
ELITE FOUR BRUNO sent out HITMONCHAN!
Enemy HITMONCHAN used FIRE PUNCH!
It’s super effective!
SHERMAN, that’s enough, come back!
Go! JOHNNY!
JOHNNY used INFERNO!
Critical hit! Enemy HITMONCHAN fainted!
ELITE FOUR BRUNO sent out HITMONLEE!
Enemy HITMONLEE fainted!
ELITE FOUR BRUNO sent out ONIX!
It’s not very effective…
Enemy ONIX fainted!
ELITE FOUR BRUNO sent out MACHAMP!
That’s enough, return, JOHNNY! Go! LAZERBEAK!

As leaves cut rock, the perverted stone snake returned to its master. A misshapen boxer in pink shorts punched a burning hole into the Stick Blob, only to be incinerated by a wave not unlike a supernova. A blemmyes with stretchy legs and a second stone snake followed their friend into scorched oblivion. The Burning Man simply incinerated everything in what can only be described as excessive proactive retaliation.

A flash of metal, and the thud of muscle on stone, and the final fighters graced the field with their presence. The metal hawk Lazerbeak took flight; Bruno’s prized Machamp flexed and posed in defiance.

LAZERBEAK flew up high!
Enemy MACHAMP used FOCUS ENERGY! Enemy MACHAMP’s getting pumped!
LAZERBEAK used FLY!
It’s super effective! Enemy MACHAMP fainted!

With a sound not unlike a car wreck, the robo-bird crashed into the Goro knockoff, throwing it across the arena.

"My job is done. Go face your next challenge." Bruno grunted as he turned away from Bridge.

“Well fuck you too. Come on Laze, let's kick the shit out of some old ladies.”

“SCRAW!”


“I don’t even.” Agent Dodridge slumped in a chair, having long since given up on this making any kind of sense.

“Yeah, the entire world is fucked up. Probably has to do with the fact that it’s drawing from current-generation move pools when designing the SCPokémon’s moves… Would explain why the Nine Forty can use X-Scissor and Four Five Seven can use Inferno, when the series hadn’t yet introduced any of those moves.”

Dodridge stared at Lament; Lament stared blankly back.


Bridge entered the next room and looked around; a graveyard, musty and filled with fog.

"I am Agatha of the Elite Four!” An old lady cackled, sitting on a tombstone across from Bridge.

“Oak's taken a lot of interest in you, child!” “I’m not a child-” “That old duff was once tough and handsome! That was decades ago!” “Meh.” “Now he just wants to fiddle with his Pokédex! He's wrong! Pokémon are for fighting!”

Bridge quietly pulled a ball from his belt. He hated Gengar.

“Django! I'll show you how a real trainer fights!"

The lights darkened; a huge purple shadow thing with glowing red eyes crawled out from Bridge’s shadow.

Pazuzu, I choose YOU!” Bridge cried, throwing the ball into the air. A flash of light; Pazuzu appeared. A desiccated, thin, starved corpse, carried by huge, needle sharp spider legs covered with eyes.

Enemy GENGAR used NIGHT SHADE!
It’s not very effective…
PAZUZU used NIGHT SLASH!
Critical hit! It’s super effective! Enemy GENGAR fainted!
ELITE FOUR AGATHA sent out GOLBAT!
Enemy GOLBAT used WING ATTACK!
It’s super effective!
PAZUZU used NIGHT SLASH!
Critical hit! Enemy GOLBAT fainted!
ELITE FOUR AGATHA sent out ARBOK!
PAZUZU used SUCKER PUNCH!
Enemy ARBOK fainted!

Dark light blazed against Pazuzu, doing naught but annoy the hellish man-spider. It leapt into shadows, silently flanking Gengar and hacking it apart with gusto; sparks of violet light burned from Pazuzu’s claws. A Golbat replaced the ghost; ambushing Pazuzu with a smack of its wings, the spider turned into another slash, hewing the horrible flying mouth cleanly in two. After a moment, a huge cobra reared its head behind Pazuzu, only to be thwarted by the corpse with a backhand.

ELITE FOUR AGATHA sent out HAUNTER!
PAZUZU used SUCKER PUNCH! But it failed!
Enemy HAUNTER used HYPNOSIS!
PAZUZU fell asleep!
Enemy HAUNTER used DREAM EATER!
It doesn’t affect PAZUZU… PAZUZU woke up!
PAZUZU used NIGHT SLASH!
Critical hit! It’s super effective! Enemy HAUNTER fainted!
ELITE FOUR AGATHA sent out GENGAR!
PAZUZU used SUCKER PUNCH!
It’s super effective! Enemy GENGAR fainted!

There was a silence after the Golbat returned to Agatha. Pazuzu circled the field, expertly maneuvering the gravestones, before just slumping into sleep. The Haunter appeared, and tried to bite the corpses’ head; it yelped in fright as the spider awoke and stabbed it into the wall, scrambling up into the dark. As the final Gengar appeared, Pazuzu dropped onto it, impaling the ghost with all eight legs.

"You win! I see what the old duff sees in you now. I've nothing else to say. Run along now, child!"


“Mother of God.”


"Ah! I heard about you, DJANGO!”

“Yes, yes, Lance the Dragon Trainer. Blah blah…” Bridge groaned. He looked around the penultimate room; huge statues of nondescript dragons adorned the walls, with brass torches hanging from the ceiling. As he took in the sight, an errant quote passed through his mind.

…During this transformation process, SCP-826, along with the contained book, will relocate to another part of the book's setting, showing a preference for places where books are normally found (libraries, studies, etc)…

“Preference. Preference implies that this isn’t a hard and fast rule, just the prevailing behavioural trend that a creative object will show in a particular situation during testing.” Bridge murmured to himself; in a moment he caught a glimpse of silver-grey against the bronze walls behind Lance. The Bookends.

“You know that dragons are mythical Pokémon! They’re hard to catch and raise, but their powers are superior! They’re virtually indestructible! Well, are you ready to lose? Your League challenge ends with me, DJANGO!”

The battle began.

ELITE FOUR LANCE sent out GYARADOS!
Go! WELKER!
Enemy GYARADOS’s INTIMIDATE cut WELKER’s ATTACK!
WELKER’s INTIMIDATE cut enemy GYARADOS’s ATTACK!
Enemy GYARADOS used HYPER BEAM!
The attack missed!
WELKER used CRUNCH! Critical hit!
Enemy GYARADOS used LEER!
But it failed!
WELKER used THUNDER FANG!
It’s super effective! Enemy GYARADOS fainted!

The 939 crawled over Gyarados, each of the monsters somehow scaring the others with their terrifying jaws. A rogue Hyper Beam crashed through the ceiling as Welker crunched down on Gyara’s throat, delivering a bolt of lightning into the serpent; a stronger bolt followed shortly and the serpent fell.

ELITE FOUR LANCE sent out DRAGONAIR and DRAGONAIR!
Good job WELKER! Come back! Go! PAZUZU and SHERMAN!
Enemy DRAGONAIR used DRAGON RAGE! Enemy DRAGONAIR used DRAGON RAGE!
PAZUZU used BOUNCE! SHERMAN used RAZOR LEAF! Critical hit!
Enemy DRAGONAIR used AGILITY! Enemy DRAGONAIR used AGILITY!
PAZUZU used BOUNCE! Critical hit! SHERMAN used LEAF TORNADO!
Enemy DRAGONAIR used SLAM! Enemy DRAGONAIR used SLAM!
PAZUZU used X-SCISSOR! SHERMAN used FRENZY PLANT! Critical hit!
Enemy DRAGONAIR fainted! Enemy DRAGONAIR fainted!

The twin Dragonairs slithered out of the light, spitting blazing blue fire. Welker vanished, replaced by Pazuzu the horrid, twitching, choking corpse-spider-monster and Sherman the giant pile of sticks. Immediately, the marionette leapt out of the way and clung to the ceiling, and the Sherman cried out, shooting razor-sharp foliage in every direction. The Dragonairs, badly cut, slithered in unison, moving quicker and quicker into a pair of silvery blurs… until Pazuzu impaled both into the floor and Sherman ran them over like a runaway cyclone of conifers. In one last ditch effort, the serpents slammed their tails in unison against the spider and stack, before being diced and smashed to soup.

ELITE FOUR LANCE sent out AERODACTYL!
Good work, PAZUZU and SHERMAN! Go! LAZERBEAK!
Enemy AERODACTYL used BITE! It’s not very effective…
LAZERBEAK used STEEL WING! It’s super effective!
Enemy AERODACTYL fainted!

The stone dino-ptero-dragon clashed with the bronze and steel hawk, biting down. Ouch. The hawk flapped its wings and cut Aerodactyl’s head right off. What a let down.

ELITE FOUR LANCE sent out DRAGONITE!
Good work, LAZERBEAK! Go! BOB!
Enemy DRAGONITE used HYPER BEAM! Critical hit!
BOB used ACID ARMOR!
Enemy DRAGONITE must recharge!
BOB used GIGA IMPACT!
Enemy DRAGONITE fainted!

A blazing, incredible blast of energy scoured the scene, cutting a trench across the floor - the snail didn’t even notice. Instead, it busied itself with… sweating. The Dragonite fell to one knee, taking a breath, exhausted by its effort… until it was messily decapitated by the snail launching itself like a cannonball across the field, its whole weight and caustic slime liquefying the dragon’s skull, Lance’s skull, and burning a hole through the door beyond.


Agent Dodridge sat there, expressionless, staring at the screen for several seconds. With an annoyed grunt he suddenly stood up and flipped the table.

“I’m going to go bang my hot wife. Debrief this loser. Smell ya later.” he called to Lament.

“Hey, don’t get angry. It’s not his fault Charizard’s not a real dragon.”

Dodridge turned and walked out, fists clenched. He never swept Lance like that. He always spent fifteen or twenty Max Revives on his team. It’s not fair. It’s not fair.


Dr Bridge looked down at the Bookends. Between them sat a copy of a Pokémon Red Version game kart, and the Official Pokémon Red/Blue Strategy Guide. The mission says take it and leave… but he’s so close to being the very best there ever was…

Welker pried the final doors open, and Bridge stepped inside. This room was much bigger on the inside, opening to the night sky; an actual stadium, a coliseum, stood before him, with one single figure under the lights.

"Hey! I was looking forward to seeing you, DJANGO! My rival should be strong to keep me sharp!”

Quietly, Bridge considered what the fastest route to victory would be.

“…DJANGO! Do you know what that means? I'll tell you! I am the most powerful Trainer in the world!"

“Nope.”


Agent Lament got comfortable, turned up the volume on the monitor, and cracked open a Coke. This was going to be good.


CHAMPION GARY sent out PIDGEOT!
Go! LAZERBEAK!
Enemy PIDGEOT used WING ATTACK! It’s not very effective…
LAZERBEAK used STEEL WING!
Enemy PIDGEOT used WING ATTACK! It’s not very effective…
LAZERBEAK used STEEL WING!
Enemy PIDGEOT fainted!

The birds circled each other, dive-smashing each other with their wings; Lazerbeak landed one right in Pidgeot’s face, shattering its beak and throwing it into the wall.

CHAMPION GARY sent out ALAKAZAM!
That’s enough, come back LAZERBEAK! Go! PAZUZU!
PAZUZU used SUCKER PUNCH! It’s super effective!
Enemy ALAKAZAM fainted!

Pazuzu rushed the Alakazam as it readied a Psychic attack, running it through with three spear-legs and cutting it apart.

CHAMPION GARY sent out RHYDON!
Return, PAZUZU! Go! SHERMAN!
Enemy RHYDON used HORN DRILL!
But it failed…
SHERMAN used FRENZY PLANT! It’s super effective!
Enemy RHYDON fainted!

Rhydon charged forward, spinning death-horn shearing through Sherman to no avail. The sticks scattered for a brief moment, thrown by the horn’s inertia; they rushed together and smooshed the dinobeast underneath the whole one-tonne heap.

CHAMPION GARY sent out GYARADOS!
SHERMAN must recharge!
Enemy GYARADOS used HYDRO PUMP! It’s not very effective…
SHERMAN, that’s enough, come back! Go! BOB!
BOB used GIGA IMPACT!
Enemy GYARADOS fainted!

The sticks struggled to roll back together as the fucknormous sea serpent flooded the field with an incredible torrent of water. Swearing under his breath, Bridge called Sherman back to its ball and threw Bob into the water, waiting a moment for it to wake up and crash into through Gyarados’ mouth entire body.

CHAMPION GARY sent out EXEGGCUTOR!
BOB must recharge!
Enemy EXEGGCUTOR used STOMP!
Return, BOB! Go! JOHNNY!
JOHNNY used INFERNO! It’s super effective!
Enemy EXEGGCUTOR fainted!

Bob lodged itself into the ground, leaving itself open for Exeggcutor to stomp it ineffectually. The tree checked its foot, assuming the snail was dead, before being completely, instantly incinerated by Johnny’s pure raging hunger.

CHAMPION GARY sent out CHARIZARD!
JOHNNY, come back! Go! WELKER!
WELKER’s INTIMIDATE cut enemy CHARIZARD’s ATTACK!
Enemy CHARIZARD used FIRE BLAST! WELKER was burned!
WELKER used THUNDER FANG! It’s super effective! WELKER was hurt by its burn!
Enemy CHARIZARD used SLASH! Critical hit!
WELKER used CRUNCH!
Enemy CHARIZARD fainted!

The Charizard and 939 stared each other down, the dragon shuddering upon its remembrance of their first battle. Welker began to sing nursery rhymes as Charizard froze in brief terror. A shudder turned to a growl, and recoil turned to rage; Gary’s starter launched a huge five-pointed star of fire at Welker, crashing the red beast like a truck.

On fire, the Welker leapt at the dragon, crunching down with a mouth full of lightning. Charizard returned with a slash, hewing a side of flesh right off Welker; the burning demon returned with a predatory bite to crush the skull. Charizard fell.

"NO! That can't be! You beat my best-”

Bridge returned Welker and turned to leave, snatching up 826 before the ingame script made him hit the “The End” screen.


Dr Bridge stepped out of the doorway, holding a belt of SCPokéballs and the Bookends. Two Agents rushed in, one throwing the belt into a high-security storage container and the other carefully placing the Bookends on a cart. Agent Lament stood off to one side, waiting for him.

“Excellent work, Doctor.” Agent Lament shook his hand. “You did very well.”

“Thank you, Lament. How were the nicknames?”

“Great.”

“Am I gonna turn into a spider monster?”

“Nope!”

They high-fived.


Later that night, Bridge sat back in his office, relaxing. Listening. Glancing at local security feeds on his desktop.

He quietly reached into his pocket, and placed a small, spherical object on his desk. Pressing a button, it grew to the size of an orange.

For you see… He did, indeed, have a hacked team. But nobody said he couldn’t have a starter too.

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