"What the hell do you mean there's been a breach?"
"Well, no SCPs have broken out, but… someone's made a video about us. Specifically, the comic books we keep finding."
"So some small-time comic nerd makes a video about us. Confiscate the comic, kill the vid and shoot him up with Class-A's."
"It's not going to be that easy, sir…"
Lewis Lovhaug (AKA Linkara): Hello, and welcome to Atop the 4th Wall, Where Bad Comics Burn. Today, we're talking about something kind of obscure, the comic "Tales of the Foundation Force Five".
(Stock music starts playing over images of Foundation Force Five comic panels and covers)
Linkara: This thing has only been around for about 20 years or so, but god damn did it reproduce quickly. This is like the tribbles of comic books. Published by Super Comics Publications, the Foundation Force Five focuses around five members of the fictional SCP Foundation, a global entity that "Secures, Contains, and Protects". Specifically, they Secure and Contain anomalous items they call "skips" and Protect humanity from their harmful effects. And the writing team gets really creative with the items that show up in the comic. How creative?
(video cuts back to Linkara speaking to the camera)
Linkara: There are almost two thousand skips that are known in the comic's universe. That's right, two thousand. The amount of effort it must take to come up with new items for every freakin' storyline is… I don't even know. Geez.
"All right, so who is this guy?"
"Lewis Lovhaug, sir. Professional comic book reviewer, works for That Guy With The Glasses dot Com…"
"Weren't they the bozos who reviewed Edison's damn movie?"
Linkara: The Foundation Force Five was started during the speculator boom, and became very successful by not having one, not two, but at least four comics published in a single month, depending on the writing team. This was so that they could get storylines over with faster, and so far, there are over 700 issues. Just to make it clear… this comic, in less than 20 years, has produced as many issues as The Amazing Spider-Man has produced in FIFTY. That's over 35 freakin' issues a year, and Super Comics Publications still finds time to publish Monthlies like Wondertainment's Kiddy Book for Kids! That's epic.
Linkara: Sadly, the issue we're looking at today is decidedly less epic. Released as a special 100th issue about three years into the comic's run, this thing deals with… we'll you'll see.
(Linkara holds up Issue 100 of the Foundation Force Five, clearly displaying its cover)
Linkara: So let's dig into Tales of the Foundation Force Five #100 "Brother's Keeper", and see what happens when you combine Liefeldian proportions with writing so insane Frank Miller would have you committed.
"This dork has his own theme song? Kinda catchy. Also, who's Frank Miller?"
"Comic book writer. Did some Batman stuff that was really popular back in the '80s."
"Stuff my kids might like, do ya think? They love Batman."
"…you read The Dark Knight Returns and tell me, sir."
Linkara: The cover shows us a picture of Femme Fatale, AKA Dr. Rights, the only female member of the FF5. She's standing in the shadow of a 7-foot-tall overly-muscled beast, who is Able, or SCP-076-2. Yes, that's Able as in the Biblical Able. Now, the proportions on Able are acceptable; in previous issues, he's been shown to be really god-damn buff, and also really tall. The problem I have here is with Dr. Rights, who… well, just LOOK at it!
"He's right. A person's spine isn't supposed to bend that way."
"What do you mean? I think it looks kind of… oh, EW! It's like it's at a right angle!"
"And look at those breasts. Yeesh. No wonder her back's broken."
"Who the hell drew this?"
"According to the video, someone going by the name of 'Redd Actor'."
"Oh, and I suppose the writer is 'Dottie X. Ponge'?"
"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!"
Linkara: The story starts out at the bottom of the Atlantic ocean at Site "Blackbox". Yeah, quick note, here. For some reason, the dialog in these comics is treated like a government document, with liberal use of "redacted" and "data expunged" thrown around. One thing that's kinda funny, though; when characters swear, it says "expletive redacted". Makes the scenes with Comrade Gunkill hilarious.
Linkara: Anyway. Here at Site Blackbox, we meet Bodyjacker, AKA Dr. Jack Bright, in a female body this time around. Judging by the size of her legs, I think she's possessing Bayonetta. (picture of said character shows up in the corner of the screen) She and another scientist are looking in at SCP-076, the giant stone prison that contains Able.
Bodyjacker (voiced by Linkara in a falsetto): How's the containment holding?
Scientist: The new procedures suggested by your team are holding up quite well, sir-uh, ma'm, uh… sorry, but I don't know what to call you.
Bodyjacker: Jack will be fine. And we don't want Abel going out on a rampage. You know who to call if he breaks out again… right, soldier? (Bodyjacker shimmies up close to the scientist)
Linkara: And then a containment breach alarm sounds, with Able stepping out of his prison… and for some reason, the on-site nuke goes off, killing everyone on site, except for Able, who just floats to the surface.
Linkara: I would do a gag here where I drop the comic and say "well that was short, see you next week", but quite frankly, that's getting old. Besides, you can tell by the bar at the bottom of the video that this isn't over yet.
"Huh. This kid is pretty good with voices."
Linkara: After that explosion, we are shown Comrade Gunkill, also known as Agent Strelnikov, in his own personal armory with ChowderClef, or Dr. Alto Clef. Yes, I am serious. The first guy has the superpower of guns, and the guy with the awesome hat has the super power of guns that shoot chowder.
The 90's Kid: Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude! Comrade Gunkill is awesome! He has the coolest superpower of all - GUNS! And it was totally radical when ChowderClef tried to blow up a star with a chowder bomb! (Pulls out a bowl marked "clam chowder" and slurps at it.)
Linkara: Okay, I admit, that… that was pretty awesome. Also, what are you doing?
The 90's Kid: I thought that if I eat enough of this Chowder stuff, I'll become just like ChowderClef!
Linkara: Yeah, good luck with that.
"Wait… why was he two different people?"
"It's a gag he does. Don't ask."
Chowderclef: Dammit, Fatale, we need Gunkill to do this! It takes a real man to face off against 076!
Linkara: I AM A MAN! (punches, and brings out an SCP-682 plushie when he pulls back his hand) …where the hell did this come from?
(The SCP-682 plushie "attacks" and attempts to eat Linkara, who shoots it with his "magic gun" while screaming)
"Two things: firstly, what was that?"
"Running gag he has. Kinda like the 'We were on break!' thing on Friends."
"Okay. Secondly: What. The. FUCK!? He has a plush 682?! Where'd he purchase THAT!"
"I think he made it himself. He does that with some of his props."
"Even so… Also, that gun isn't actually-"
Linkara: Bodyjacker, like an immortal troll, decides to pelt a freakin' Holy Hand Grenade at Able. No, seriously, that's what it's called. They got them, like, 50 issues ago.
Bodyjacker: Hey, you son of a Biblical [EXPLETIVE REDACTED]! Have a taste of this!
Linkara: The grenade blows up as Able catches it, and- JESUS! Look at all that blood! If any normal human did that, he'd be dead in a second! I get that this was during the 90's but still, Jesus.
Bodyjacker: Genesis don't! (a montage of clips play, including one from from Star Trek III: The Search for Spock, a Sega Genesis commercial, and a clip from the music video for Genesis' Land of Confusion)
"…well, that was random."
Linkara: Of course, Able's also immortal, and shrugs it off, producing a sword that's bigger than him. How big? Just pulling it out is enough to cut Jacker in half from across the room. Just… huh?! I think even Cloud would have a hard time carrying that without killing himself!
"This guy makes an awful lot of pop culture references, doesn't he?"
"He's an internet reviewer, what do you expect?"
Femme Fatale: What?
Linkara: Okay, so for those of you not paying attention, Able thinks that Femme Fatale is his mother, and apparently has quite an Oedipus complex, because a few panels later…
Chowderclef: Agatha, what the hell are you doing?
Femme Fatale: They don't call me a negotiations spectialist for nothing, Clef.
Linkara: And then… she makes out with 076. I'm not kidding, folks. She makes out with freakin' Able, an immortal, seven-foot-tall war god, to whom sex and sexuality are completely alien concepts. Continuity? What's that? Oh, also, they misspelled "specialist". (90's Kid Voice) Because poor literacy… is what happens when your book is written by Dottie X. Ponge.
Linkara: I'm sorry, folks, but I need to take a small break, here. We've just seen Able making out with a woman who he thinks is his mother. I need a long, cold shower.
(The video cuts to commercial)
"Odd time to have a break, almost 3/4ths of the way through…"
"I've seen enough. Get over to his house, shut down this site's server, use memetics to knock out people's memories of seeing this video, give the nerd Class-A's, and get the fucking comic."
"Watch it through to the end, at least…"
Linkara: And so our comic ends with SCP-073 killing his brother, and mourning over his corpse, but not before he says to Rights…
SCP-073: I'm sorry, mother. I've done it again.
Linkara: This comic sucks! As if it weren't bad enough that the artwork is horrid and overly gory in places, the writing can be nonsensical, like ABLE SURVIVING A NUKE and whole scene with him picking up Bodyjacker's amulet and it only affecting him temporarily is just stupid. Add in the theme of incest towards the end, and the whole comic makes me wanna gag.
Linkara: Don't get me wrong, people. This series can be very good; hell, towards the beginning, it had several great story arcs, and after this one, it had several more! My personal favorite is around Issue 76, where the team travels back in time and gets turned into sea slugs. But as for this one… well…
(An alarm rings off screen as Linkara looks around in confusion)
"What's… going on?"
"It's a skit he has at the end of his reviews. Entertaining, if a bit pointless and convoluted."
"Okay then… wait, is that guy in the Hulk Hogan costume supposed to be 076?"
"And the guy with the gorilla mask is Clef. Don't ask."
"Oh, hey, credits. Now can you send out a task force to Class-A the nerd?!"
"I did it 35 minutes ago."