Keters With Hats
rating: +45+x

Paul: Caaarl! Why is there a statue in our house? It's looking at me funny.

Carl: Whatever do you mean?

Paul: The statue. Right there. It's in the middle of our living room.

Carl: Oh, that! I thought that was a mountain.

Paul: Mountains don't fit in houses!

Carl: How do you know that?

Paul: I don't! How'd you even get this here?

Carl: I didn't bring it here. For once I am innocent.

Paul: Then why is it looking at you??

Carl: Must be my legs.

Paul: Where did you get this from?

Carl: My nice, sexy legs.

Paul: Answer me, Carl.

Carl: It came out of a top hat I was using for a magic trick.

Paul: Caaarl!

Carl: Fine. I broke into a place called Site 19.

Paul: How'd you do that? You don't even have thumbs.

Carl: I used an egg sandwich and a mattress tag.

Paul: What even is this thing?

Carl: I don't know. I've tried eating it and it's just made of stone and paint.

Paul: Why would you break into somewhere and eat what you find?

Carl: Because the egg sandwich wasn't enough.

Paul: I'm not listening anymore.

(Paul turns before Carl blinks.)

Carl: Woah! That thing just moved.

Paul: What? I turned my back for one second. What'd you do?

Carl: I sunk a cruise ship 4 days ago.

Paul: I didn't mean that!

Carl: Then what did you mean?

Paul: Why did it move?

Carl: It had to follow its destiny.

Paul: Caaarl!

Carl: It slipped on the floor.

Paul: Be honest with me.

Carl: I don't know! It probably noticed your legs.

(Paul turns around, seeing the statue in front of him.)

Paul: Oh God.

Carl: Yeah, this was probably my fault.

Paul: You don't say?

Carl: At least I didn't bring back the other thing I found.

Paul: What was it?

Carl: Some pale guy, long arms. I looked at him for one second and he went crazy.

Paul: I'm so disappointed in you.

Carl: Well that's mean. Now I kind of wish I brought that pale guy back.

Paul: I'm not talking to you anymore.

Carl: Well, that's rude. I'm disappointed in you now.

(Banging at the door.)

Paul: Who's that?

Carl: Probably the pale dude.

Paul: What? Why?

Carl: Maybe it's the statue's best friend.

Paul: Caaarl!

Carl: Well, I didn't know.

Paul: You're just being awful today.

Carl: I stole this yesterday.

Paul: I'm not even shocked at this anymore.

Carl: Fine, I'll go answer the door.

Paul: You go do that, Carl.

(Carl walks to the door as Paul is stuck looking at the statue.

Carl: Has it moved again?

Paul: Not yet!

(Carl walks back.)

Carl: Yep, it's that crazy guy.

Paul: I think you should keep the door closed, Carl.

Carl: Fine.

Paul: So, what should we do with this thing?

Carl: Sell it to an art museum.

Paul: I was thinking give it back.

Carl: No way, we could get so many dead bodies with this.

(Pause.)

Paul: Caaaaaaarl!

Carl: Fine, I'll give it back.

Paul: No, I'm giving it back.

Carl: Bad idea, Paul. They had lots of guns back there.

Paul: Fine. Well, did you do anything else there?

Carl: I killed some people and ate some paper.

Paul: Oh.

Carl: I mean, it was screaming as I was eating it.

Paul: The people or the paper?

Carl: What do you think? It was the paper.

Paul: Caaarl! What have I told you about eating things that scream?

Carl: The egg sandwich wasn't enough.

Paul: Caaarl!

Carl: You're right. You've told me not to do it.

Paul: Right. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to find a way to give this statue back.

(Paul starts pushing the statue out of the house.)

Carl: Yep, he's going to get slaughtered out there.

Paul: I can hear you, Carl!

Carl: Sorry.

(Paul exits the house, screaming.)

Paul: Caaaaaaarl!

Carl: I told you, Paul!

(Ending theme.)

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