Note to all Researchers Roach Wranglers: Please include your name and department on all records, along with brief description of the Roach Instance observed. Be sure to correctly process any Roach Instance encountered. Kiryu Labs is not responsible for any irresponsible Roach Wrangling.
Refer to documents SCP-723-J and/or SCP-724-J as necessary. Interview logs are optional.
Kiryu Labs thanks you for your assistance with anomalous item cache processing, and is always welcoming to new interns and researchers who wish to gain additional experience within the Foundation experimental chamber environments! For additional assignments, please contact Dr. Riven Mercer.
**Encounter #:**
**Roach Instance:**
**Personnel Name/Dept:**
**Description:**
Interview log format:
> __**Roach Name Intake Log Interview**__
>
> **Dr. Name:**
>
> **Roach Name:**
>
> **Dr. Name:**
>
> **Roach Name:**
>
> **Dr. Name:** Roach name, no/no.../NO!/NOOOEncounter #: 1
Roach Instance: Fad Roach
Personnel Name/Dept: Dr. Riven Mercer, Kiryu Labs anomalous item processing
Description: Fad Roach's anomaly manifests in its unusual preoccupation with following popular human behavioral trends, such as dieting, specialized exercise regimens, and intelligent technology for the home environment. Individuals who encounter Fad Roach will take note of its overzealous desire to be seen as hip and stylish.
Fad Roach Intake Log Interview
Dr. Mercer: Where did you get that? Are you sure it’s good for your digestive system?
Fad Roach: [eats]
Dr. Mercer: Do you think Sad Roach would be happy that you’re so obsessed with dieting? Is this new cleanse really necessary?
Fad Roach: [eats]
Dr. Mercer: Isn’t this the third diet you’ve tried in the last week?
Fad Roach: [eats]
Dr. Mercer: Fad Roach, no.
Encounter #: 2
Roach Instance: Rad Roach
Personnel Name/Dept: Dr. Taylor Itkin, [REDACTED]
Description: Rad Roach's anomaly manifests in its ability to skateboard and do skateboard tricks. Individuals who come into contact with Rad Roach will often describe it as "sick" or "wicked cool."
Rad Roach Intake Log Interview
Dr. Itkin: Where did you even get a skateboard that small?
Rad Roach: [skateboards]
Dr. Itkin: Are you at least wearing a helmet? Skateboard safety is a very important thing, are you taking it seriously?
Rad Roach: [does a sick kickflip]
Dr. Itkin: Rad Roach, no.
Encounter #: 3
Roach Instance: Pad Roach
Personnel Name/Dept: Dr. Graham
Description: Pad Roach lives in Brookland, USA, and has a wife and two kids. Pad Roach makes a living selling vinyl padding to nearby apartments and shops.
Pad Roach Intake Log Interview
Dr. Graham: Hello, Pad Roa—
Pad Roach: Why hello! Would you be interested in purchasing these state-of-the-art vinyl pads? They keep rain, mud, and other bothersome substances away from your building's interior. All you have to do is place the, by your door and BOOM! Your home is instantly free of dirt and water leakage!
Dr. Graham: … I, uh—
Pad Roach: Great! That will be—
Dr. Graham: Pad Roach, NO!
Encounter #: 4
Roach Instance: Chad Roach
Personnel Name/Dept: Dr. Broseph Broski
Description: Chad Roach's anomaly manifests in how awesome he is. He's such a bro and everyone loves him. Whenever anyone is around Chad Roach, they better be prepared, because it gets wild wherever he is! Those near Chad Roach will also experience an undying devotion to the fraternity Rho Omicron Alpha Chi. Chad Roach wears a small, roach-sized baseball cap backward on its head.
Chad Roach Intake Log Interview
Dr. Broski: Bro, you need to not drink so much.
Chad Roach: [drinks beer]
Dr. Broski: Bro, for real, man, that's like your hundredth beer.
Chad Roach: [passes out from alcohol content]
Dr. Broski: CHAD ROACH NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Encounter #: 5
Roach Instance: Vlad Roach
Personnel Name/Dept: Dr. Reynard, Goetics
Description: Vlad Roach's anomaly manifests in its taste for human blood, as well as its unusually dark coloration, bat shaped wings, and abnormally large mandibles. Vlad Roach wears a roach sized black cloak at all times, and never drinks… wine.
Vlad Roach Intake Log Interview
Dr. Reynard: What do you have to gain by drinking blood, Vlad Roach?
Vlad Roach: [continues to drink Dr. Reynard's blood]
Dr. Reynard: Please stop sucking my blood, and answer the question, Vlad Roach. Was your unholy pact with dark forces what drove Sad Roach to that dark place in his life?
Vlad Roach: [continues to drink Dr. Reynard's blood]
Dr. Reynard: Vlad Roach, n- (Dr. Reynard is rendered unconscious due to blood loss.)
Encounter #: 6
Roach Instance: Tad Roach
Personnel Name/Dept: Dr. Benny Ferris-Reiner.
Description: Tad Roach's anomaly manifests in it's ability to convince all personnel interviewing it, regardless of prior characteristics, that they are a father in the 1950s and Tad Roach is their son. Other characteristics include its small size, quiet weedy voice, stupid beanie hat and hangdog look, as well as persistent failure at sports and other manly athletic activities
Tad Roach Intake Log Interview
Dr. Ferris-Reiner: Now, why do you keep dawdling on the sidelines instead of being a team player?
Tad Roach: I dunno, dad.
Dr. Ferris-Reiner: No son of mine is gonna be a ween! Are you a filthy ween, Tad Roach? I don't want to see my son end up a sports-hating ween!
Tad Roach: No, dad! I'm not a ween! I just wanna do something else besides sports!
Dr. Ferris-Reiner: Tad Roach, no!
Encounter #: 7
Roach Instance: Plaid Roach
Personnel Name/Dept: Dr. Westrin
Description: Plaid Roach anomaly manifests in its excessive cursing and the ability to generate tiny roach sized plaid kilts out of nowhere.
Plaid Roach Intake Log Interview
Dr. Westrin: Hello Plaid Roach.
Plaid Roach: [Tiny, high pitched noises are heard from Plaid Roach, most of them being extremely creative insults about Dr. Westrin's ancestor's goats.]
Dr. Westrin: How dare you, Plaid Roach! That's it, no more kilt for today!
Plaid Roach: [Plaid Roach pulls out a very tiny set of bagpipes and begins to violently assault Dr. Westrin's ears.]
Dr. Westrin: Plaid Roach, no!
Encounter #: 8
Roach Instance: Ad Roach
Personnel Name/Dept: Agent Gummy Dragon
Description: Ad Roach's anomaly manifests in its ability to convince humans to purchase any item. It wears a roach sized business suit. Any items purchased will invariably be of poor quality, and any attempts to buy replacements will result in additional purchases.
Ad Roach Intake Log Interview
Agent Gummy Dragon: Do you realize how much money we've spent buying your stuff? The coffee machine and microwave you sold us broke down in seconds!
Ad Roach: If you don't like them, we'll replace them for free!
Agent Gummy Dragon: That actually sounds great!
Ad Roach: And for today only, we'll throw in a water cooler for just $99.99!
Agent Gummy Dragon: Ad Roach, no!
Encounter #: 9
Roach Instance: Grad Roach
Personnel Name/Dept: Dr. Taylor Itkin, [REDACTED]
Description: Grad Roach graduated from Really Organized and Awesome College of Hard-Work (ROACH) in the year ████. Grad Roach is the brother of SCP-723-J and the son of Dad Roach. Grad Roach has no observable anomaly. It wears a tiny, roach-sized graduation gown and cap.
Grad Roach Intake Log Interview
Dr. Itkin: We're all proud of you, Grad Roach. I know Dad Roach is proud of you.
Grad Roach: [tosses tiny, roach-sized graduation cap into the air]
Dr. Itkin: Sad Roach would have been proud too.
Grad Roach: [sheds a single, roach-sized tear, looks at tiny, roach-sized diploma]
Dr. Itkin: [pats on back] Grad Roach…no.
Encounter #: 10
Roach Instance: Notepad Roach
Personnel Name/Dept: Dr. Westrin
Description: Notepad Roach's anomaly manifests as the ability to carry objects of any size and mass without difficulties. However, Notepad Roach chooses to use its incredible abilities to carry around a pencil and notepad, and is Dr. Westrin's assistant.
Notepad Roach Intake Log Interview
Dr. Westrin: Okay, Notepad Roach, I have an idea: Write down "Book Idea: Humans go to space and they find a large planet full of different types of Roaches that rhyme with "sad".
Notepad Roach: [Writes down Dr. Westrin's book idea.]
Dr. Westrin: Oh! Write down that they make friends with the roaches, and they go off to defeat the evil Beetle King and save the universe!
Notepad Roach: [While attempting to write Dr. Westrin's idea, the pencil's graphite breaks because Notepad Roach accidentally pushes too hard on the paper.]
Dr. Westrin: Notepad Roach, no!
Encounter #: 11
Roach Instance: Comrade Roach
Personnel Name/Dept: Researcher M. Inselmann
Description: The radical anti-capitalist views espoused by Comrade Roach pose a threat to our way of life. Establishment of an insect socialist Soviet is considered to be unacceptable by the Foundation and O5 Council. Comrade Roach was interrogated regarding its goals.
Comrade Roach Intake Log Interview
Researcher Inselmann: Comrade Roach, please elucidate for the record your political views.
Comrade Roach: [Skitters around table.]
Researcher Inselmann: Subversive nonsense! What link do you have to SCP-1006?
Comrade Roach: [Overthrows Capitalist Pig Foundation, establishes glorious Blattodea Worker's Soviet.]
Researcher Inselmann Comrade Roach, no!
Encounter #: 12
Roach Instance: Bad Roach
Personnel Name/Dept: Dr. D. Derekson
Description: Bad Roach is one anomalously tough motha. It is passionate about overthrowing what it percieves as "The Man," Bad Roach's overarching term for Foundation personnel and infrastructure. In repeated double-blind tests, Bad Roach has displayed actions consistent with being a roach that won't cop out when there's danger all about.
Bad Roach Intake Log Interview
Dr. Derekson: Okay, Bad Roach: Who's the black anomalous roach who's confoundin' Foundation folks?
Bad Roach: [Indicates self.]
Dr. Derekson: That is correct. They say this particular Roach is a baaad mother-
Bad Roach: [Motions for Dr. Derekson to SHUT HIS MOUTH.]
Dr. Derekson: Bad Roach, no! I'm talkin' bout you.
Bad Roach: [Digs it.]
Encounter #: 13
Roach Instance: Thad Roach
Personnel Name/Dept: Dr. Westrin
Description: Thad Roach's anomaly manifests in the ability to make any person's tongue stick outside of their mouth, even while speaking.
Thad Roach Intake Log Interview
Dr. Westrin: Hello Thad Roach. Can you pleathe tell uth your real name?
Thad Roach: Yeah, my name is Saddeus. Hehehe.
Dr. Westrin: Ith that your real name, or are you juth making fun of me.
Thad Roach: No, THIS is making fun of you. [Thad Roach blows a raspberry at Dr. Westrin with their antennae.]
Dr. Westrin: Thad Roach, No!
Encounter #: 14
Roach Instance: Cad Roach
Personnel Name/Dept: Junior Researcher Charla Flores, Mind-Affecting Anomalies
Description: Cad Roach is a miscreant and a scoundrel, unfit for genteel society and a disgrace to his many relations. His behaviour towards several ladies of spotless reputation has been nothing less than scandalous, and brands him as a reprobate of the most unfeeling kind. Had Cad Roach any scrap of honour or decency, he would immediately quit this place and return to the gutter from which he undoubtedly crawled.
Extract of Cad Roach Conversational Transcript
Dryad Roach: But that ring was a gift from my grandmother!
Cad Roach: Well it's pawned now, and the money lost on cards and dice. If anyone wants me, I'll be at the pub getting drunk with Maenad Roach.
Dryad Roach: But I have thrown over my fiance, estranged my family, sullied my good name, all for you! Because I love you!
Cad Roach: Love? Babe, you were a good time, that's all. I didn't even know we were using real names.
Dryad Roach: Galahad Roach, no!
Encounter #: 15
Roach Instance: Mad Roach
Personnel Name/Dept: Dr. Ittermixin, Rebellion Wing.
Description: Mad Roach should be a Keter because they’re a dumb loser who won’t let me on my PS4 and all that happened was I did the middle finger to them like one time as a joke. :(
Mad Roach Intake Log Interview
Dr. Ittermixin: This is fucking child abuse, I’m gonna call the police and they’re gonna take you away and I’ll get to play GTA V all the time!
Mad Roach: Did you just curse at me, young man? You’re grounded!
Dr. Ittermixin: Jesus Christ! Why are you so mad all the time, Mad Roach?
Mad Roach: I’m not mad, Brendon. I’m just- [sniffles] - disappointed.
Dr. Ittermixin: Mad Roach, noo…
Encounter #: 16
Roach Instance: Big Bad Roach
Personnel Name/Dept: Agent Gummy_Dragon
Description: Big Bad Roach's anomaly manifests in its massive size and ability to launch flame-like streams from its mouthparts.
Big Bad Roach Intake Log Interview
Agent Gummy_Dragon: Stop rampaging, or we'll have to stop you!
Big Bad Roach: [Rampages aggressively]
Agent Gummy_Dragon: You're making Sad Roach feel bad!
Big Bad Roach: [Breathes fire]
Agent Gummy_Dragon: [Ignites] Big Bad Roach, no… [Burns]
Encounter #: 17
Roach Instance: Glad Roach
Personnel Name/Dept: Dr. Magnus, Metaphysics
Description: Glad roach has an obsession with fighting other roaches, and has the ability to manifest both tiny gladii, and the ability to throw them at the crowd. Testing with Glad Roach has shown it to scratch out the phrase 'I am Roachinus Gladius Meridius, Eater of the Poo of the North, commander of the Radiation-Proof legions' in any available medium when not fighting other roaches.
Glad Roach Intake Log Interview
Dr. Magnus: Glad roach, come on, you can't just kill—
[Glad Roach kills another Roach. Glad roach hurls a tiny gladius at Dr. Magnus]
Dr. Magnus: GODDAMMIT Glad Roach, I get it, you're on a rampage of revenge against—
[A white Roach enters the containment area]
Dr. Magnus: Wait, where did—
Glad roach is stabbed in the thorax before combat, then defeats the white roach. Both die.
Dr. Magnus: Glad Roach, nooooooo!!!
[Several seconds pass]
Dr. Magnus: ….for the record, I didn't authorize copyright infringement.
Encounter #: 18
Roach Instance: Egad Roach
Personnel Name/Dept: Researcher Eyhard Linauer
Description: Egad Roach is able to produce an ornate brass-bound monocle out of nowhere. They also possess a keen sense of propriety, and are easily startled.
Egad Roach Intake Log Interview
Researcher Linauer: Now, we're very interested in how you obtain new monocles. I'd like to ask you to stay calm and explain as clearly as you can. How does that sound?
Egad Roach: [Sweeps an elaborate bow, saluting the researcher with their antennae to indicate agreeement.]
Researcher Linauer: Wonderful. First, let's get a better look at the one you're w—
Chad Roach: [Sneaks up behind Egad Roach and emits a loud belch right next to their ear.]
Egad Roach: [Jumps and gasps. The sudden movement knocks their monocle to the ground, shattering it.]
Researcher Linauer: Egad Roach! No…
Encounter #: 19
Roach Instance: Lad Roach
Personnel Name/Dept: Researcher Joseph Sherman, Archives and Records
Description: Okay, it’s Friday night in the Site-42 cafeteria and all the lads are on the lash, getting wankered, harassing the female researchers, yeah? One of the docs is hank marvin’ and you think Pizza Hut, a bit old school and full of kids so the banter won’t be top notch… then your mate, Lad Roach (proper LEDGE) says you ought get a bit of cheeky nandos and the banter is Top Quality.
Lad Roach Intake Log Interview
Researcher Sherman: You saved the party, you Bantersauras Rex!!
Lad Roach: [Is an Archbishop of Banterbury.]
Researcher Sherman: You absolute madman!
Lad Roach: [Passes out after his 9th pint.]
Researcher Sherman: Lad Roach! No…
Encounter #: 20
Roach Instance: Mossad Roach
Personnel Name/Dept: Agent Gummy_Dragon
Description: Mossad Roach is equipped with standard Mossad (HaMossad leModiʿin uleTafkidim Meyuḥadim) equipment, and is dedicated to eliminating terrorists.
Mossad Roach Intake Log Interview
Agent Gummy_Dragon: How has your mission been going?
Mossad Roach: [Shakes head]
Agent Gummy_Dragon: Not so good?
Bad Roach: [Shoots Mossad Roach]
Agent Gummy_Dragon: Mossad Roach! No!
Encounter #: 21
Roach Instance: Ad Roach, again
Personnel Name/Dept: Dr. L. Naismith
Description: [Please view a word from our sponsors in order to access the description from Encounter 8.]
Ad Roach Re-Intake Log Interview
Dr. Naismith: Are you willing to cooperate with us this time?
Ad Roach: [Nods]
Dr. Naismith: Good. Now, then—
Dr. Naismith: Ad Roach, NO!
Encounter #: 22
Roach Instance: Riastrad Roach
Personnel Name/Dept: Dr. L. Naismith
Description: Riastrad Roach is believed to be Irish in origin.
Riastrad Roach Intake Log Interview
Dr. Naismith: So, are you, like, an Irish stereotype roach? Because I'm Irish on my mom's side, and I don't really appreciate—
Riastrad Roach: You dare mock the hound of Culann?
Dr. Naismith: …wait, what?
Riastrad Roach: [vomits 37 liters of blood, kilotuples in size, shoots fire out of own anus, grows seventeen vestigial heads, amputates own left foreleg, fashions a rudimetary claymore out of it]
Dr. Naismith: RIASTRAD ROACH, N—
<recording equipment vaporized>
Encounter #: 23
Roach Instance: Unique Roach
Personnel Name/Dept: Dr. Graham
Description: Unique Roach is an anomaly of its kind for obvious reasons. The object is considered a Keter-level threat.
Roach Name Intake Log Interview
Dr. Graham: I don't get it. What exactly makes you special?
Unique Roach: [Rolls eyes.]
Dr. Graham: That doesn't help.
Unique Roach: Oh what? Just because I don't have a dumbass name like the other roaches means I'm suddenly the center of attention? Leave me alone…
Dr. Graham: I don't—… Unique Roach, no…
Encounter #: 24
Roach Instance: Iliad Roach
Personnel Name/Dept: Dr. L. Naismith
Description: Researcher C. Andra's repeated assertions that Iliad Roach is a threat to the Foundation's safety are to be ignored.
Iliad Roach Intake Log Interview
Dr. Naismith: Now, let's get on with—
[Iliad Roach pushes a wooden cockroach sculpture, 50 cm in length, in front of Dr. Naismith]
Dr. Naismith: Aww, is that for me?
[Iliad Roach nods, indicating the sculpture's copper siding]
Dr. Naismith: Copper-clad roach? No, y—
<recording equipment invaded>
Encounter #: 25
Roach Instance: Had Roach
Personnel Name/Dept: Dr. Boron Clark
Description: Had roach's anomaly manifests in its ability to lose anything in its possession. Had roach is extremely annoyed by this ability and constantly tries to collect things to no avail.
Had Roach Intake Log Interview
Dr. Boron: What are you collecting right now?
Had Roach [Points to a single ball-point pen in the corner of its cell]
Dr. Boron: Just one?
Had Roach: [Takes the pen held in Dr. Boron's hand and turns to find the first pen has disappeared]
Had Roach: [Cries]
Dr. Boron: Had Roach.. No..
Encounter #: 26
Roach Instance: Rebel Roach
Personnel Name/Dept: Dr. Taylor Itkin, [REDACTED]
Description: Rebel Roach doesn't conform to your stupid formats.
Rebel Roach Intake Log Review
Dr. Itkin: What are you doing, Rebel Roach?
Rebel Roach: [gives Dr. Itkin the finger]
Dr. Itkin: Wow. Rude, much?
Rebel Roach: [puts up second middle finger]
Dr. Itkin: …dick.
Encounter #: 27
Roach Instance: AD. Roach
Personnel Name/Dept: Dr. Arthur Avatar
Description: Roach displays the current date on its carapace, using what appears to be Sharpie® brand permanent marker. Dr Avatar's request to interact with AD. Roach daily is currently undergoing review.
AD. Roach Intake Log Review
AD. Roach: [scuttles about chamber]
Dr. Forth: And you're sure this is a unique roach?
Dr. Avatar: Oh absolutely. Look at its carapace! Isn't it wacky?
[both researchers look at AD. Roach. AD. Roach seems unconcerned]
Dr. Forth: Fine, fine, it's just… most of the others have fairly straightforward names, you know? This one seems a little forced. Kinda similar to another roach we have, as well.
Dr. Avatar: I have no idea what you're talking about. This is AD. Roach, a completely unique anomaly that I have bravely catalogued and researched.
AD. Roach: Buy it now, for only $19.99, only while stocks last! Delivery within 6 to 8 business roach-weeks.
Dr. Forth: …Ad Roach?
Dr. Avatar: No!
Encounter #: 28
Roach Instance: Add Roach
Personnel Name/Dept: Dr. C. Kirby
Description: Add Roach is believed to have an advanced understanding of mathematical concepts (compared to a baseline roach).
Add Roach Intake Log Interview
Dr. Kirby: So I hear you're quite the math whiz?
Add Roach: [Nods proudly].
Dr. Kirby: Well, then, blow my mind.
Add Roach: [Scribbles something down on a tiny piece of paper, and then shows it to Dr. Kirby]
Dr. Kirby: Add Roach no… two plus two equals four, not five.
Encounter #: 29
Roach Instance: Dryad Roach
Personnel Name/Dept: Dr. Westrin
Description: Dryad Roach is noted to be a nature enthusiast, and deeply cares about forests, flowers, plants and other types of life. Dryad Roach is also capable of planting all types of seeds with ease without human assistance.
Dryad Roach Intake Log Interview
Dr. Westrin: Hey Dryad Roach, how's the garden doing?
Dryad Roach: Oh, it's doing wonderfully! The Calendulas are starting to bloom, the Daisies and Marigolds are doing good as well, and my cactus now has a tiny flower on it.
Dr. Westrin: That's cool. To be honest, you don't seem like the type of animal who would be interested in nature.
Dryad Roach: What makes you say that? I've been in love with life since I was a wee cock roach. Did you know that 3.5 billion to 7 billion trees are cut down each year?
Dr. Westrin: Dryad Roach, no, I didn't know that!
Encounter #:30
Roach Instance: Maenad Roach
Personnel Name/Dept: Agent Gummy_Dragon
Description: Maenad Roach loves to party. Its anomaly manifests in its ability to ingest large amounts of alcohol and its 'rage' state. When in a rage state, Maenad roach should not be approached, and the surrounding area quarantined. Firearms, though ineffective, have been used to deter Maenad Roach.
Maenad Roach Intake Log Interview
Agent Gummy_Dragon: Don't you think you've had too much to drink?
Maenad Roach: Who do you think you are, mortal!
Agent Gummy_Dragon: This isn't healthy for you. You get drunk and smash stuff. How is this fulfilling?
Maenad Roach: Die, unbeliever!
Dr. Name: Maenad Roach, NO!
Encounter #: 31
Roach Instance: M.A.D. roach
Personnel Name/Dept: Jamie Fields, Behavior Management Specialist
Description: M.A.D. roach relies on Mutually Assured Destruction, a defense strategy in which the threat of excessively dangerous weaponry prevents enemies from using the same weaponry.
M.A.D. Roach Intake Log Interview
Fields: Look, neither of us has any incentive to initiate conflict, or to disarm - we can only keep refining our defenses, but that will eventually break our equilibrium anyway…
M.A.D. Roach: [continues escalation]
Fields: If we appeal to our larger community to set up rewards for accountability and cooperation, we could create incentives for ourselves to pursue disarmament actively-
M.A.D. Roach: [continues escalation]
Fields: M.A.D. Roach, no!
Encounter #: 32
Roach Instance: Ocathailidrimithriad Roach
Personnel Name/Dept: Dr. Graham
Description: What the fuck is this? How do I pronounce this? Is it, like, memetic, or something?
[UNIDENTIFIED SCRIPT - UNABLE TO TRANSLATE] Roach Intake Log Interview
Dr. Graham: Hello, Ocatha… Ocathali… li…
Ocathailidrimithriad Roach: [Pronounces it correctly.]
Dr. Graham: Yeah, whatever. That's not even a real word. What does that mean?
Ocathailidrimithriad Roach: [Shrugs, it thought it sounded cool.]
Dr. Graham: Oca… ca… Ocath— fucking, Roach, NO!
Encounter #: 33
Roach Instance: Unclad Roach
Personnel Name/Dept: Researcher M. Inselmann
Description: Unclad Roach does not possess an exoskeleton, and is therefor scandalously naked.
Unclad Roach Intake Log Interview
Researcher Inselmann: How did you come to be anomalously nude? Would you like a sweater? You look cold.
Unclad Roach: Skitters about table in a shameless fashion
Researcher Inselmann: …This is rather upsetting. Put on pants, and we'll continue the interview.
Unclad Roach: Preens and poses in its birthday suit.
Researcher Inselmann: Unclad Roach, no! Pants! Argh, my eyes!
Encounter #: 34
Roach Instance: Plagiarism Roach
Personnel Name/Dept: Dr. Graham
Description: Plagiarism Roach is an anomaly of its kind for obvious reasons. The object is considered an Apollyon-level threat.
Plagiarism Roach Intake Log Interview
Dr. Graham: Hello— wait, your name doesn't end with an "ad"!
Plagiarism Roach: No shit, Sherlock.
Dr. Graham: What kind of gig is this?
Plagiarism Roach: It's in the name, bud. I saw that Unique and Rebel Roach had a thing going on, and they were ripping off each other, so I might as well jump on the bandwagon.
Dr. Graham: Plagiarism Roach, NO!
Encounter #: 35
Roach Instance: Collab Roach
Personnel Name/Dept: Dr. Graham
Description: feat. HowToCockroach_XX!!!!! (1000 SUBS SPECIAL!!!!1!!!!one!!!!)
Collab Roach Intake Log Interview
Dr. Graham: Hello Collab R— who's this?
Collab Roach: Hey Graham! It's me, Collab Roach, here with another video. Make sure to click that like and subscribe button! Today, I'm here with SCP-3035-190!
Dr. Graham: Woah woah WOAH WOAH WOAH WAIT HOLD ON A SEC—
SCP-3035-190: [Proceeds to transform into an AK-47 and fire at Dr. Graham. Dr. Graham manages to dive behind his desk.]
Dr. Graham: COLLAB ROACH, NO! YOU'RE WORSE THAN OCA— OCATH— FUCK, THAT OTHER ONE!
Encounter #: 36
Roach Instance: Ersatz Roach
Personnel Name/Dept: Dr. Inselmann
Description: Several deviations from SCP-723-J norms have been noted. Firstly, 'Ersatz' doesn't rhyme with 'sad.' But that appears to be a thing we're only marginally doing, anymore, so meh. Also, roach appears to be a ladybug, made to resemble a cockroach with a layer of paint.
Ersatz Roach Intake Log Interview
Dr. Inselmann: Hello, Ersatz Roach. Comfortable? Would you like a cup of coffee? No? How are the kids? Great, great. Well, now that I've got you here, J'accuse!
Ersatz Roach: (Chitters softly. Eats an aphid. Urinates.)
Dr. Inselmann: You are no roach! You are an accursed beast of the Coccinellidae! You are full of lies, sir! Lies and aphids!
Ersatz Roach: (Dies of paint toxicity).
Dr. Inselmann: Ersatz Roach, nooo! Oh, what have I done! I repent! Take me instead, oh Lord! Ersatz Rooooaaach! (weeps inconsolably).
Encounter #: 37
Roach Instance: Fad Roach
Personnel Name/Dept: Dr. Etra
Description: Appears to be completely taken up with current social media trends. Fad Roach only appears to adopt them when they become aware of the trend
Fad Roach Intake Log Interview
Dr. Etra: Fad Roach, what are you doing? Who gave you that phone?Fad Roach: [Attempts to dab with tiny cockroach front legs]
Dr. Etra: [Sighing] Fad Roach, you know you don't have to copy everyone online, right? Hang on, what are you-
Fad Roach: [Bites into detergent capsule, getting covered in its contents]
Dr. Etra: FAD ROACH, NO!
Encounter #: 38
Roach Instance: iPad Roach
Personnel Name/Dept: Agent Gummy_Dragon
Description: Not actually a cockroach, but a tablet that exerts a memetic effect, deluding observers into believing that it is a roach.
iPad Roach Intake Log Interview
Agent Gummy_Dragon: How is life in containment, little guy?
iPad Roach: …
Agent Gummy_Dragon: How about we meet some of the other roaches, huh?
iPad Roach: (Vibrates, falling off table on to Gummy_Dragon's foot)
Agent Gummy_Dragon: iPad roach, no!
Encounter #: 39
Roach Instance: NATO Roach
Personnel Name/Dept: Researcher Inselmann
Description: Entity has maintained a defensive posture against Comrade Roach from across their respective holding tanks for a number of years. Involvement of M.A.D. Roach cannot be ruled out.
NATO Roach Intake Log Interview
Researcher Inselmann: Do you truly believe that Comrade Roach poses such an existential threat, NATO Roach?
NATO Roach: (Skitters, peers suspiciously at Comrade Roach)
Comrade Roach: (Is approached by Ad Roach- metamorphoses into the dastardly Vlad Roach).
NATO Roach: (Shrugs and skitters away)
Vlad Roach: (Takes off shirt and rides centipede- cackles maniacally)
Researcher Inselmann: Various international roaches, no!
Encounter #: 40
Roach Instance: Padded Roach
Personnel Name/Dept: Researcher Fox
Description: Entity appears to be covered in 1cm of wool padding, colored teal. It should be noted that Padded Roach was recovered from a shipping crate.
Padded Roach Intake Log Interview
Researcher Fox: Are you comfortable, Padded Roach?
Padded Roach: [Its legs flail about but are unable to reach the table due to padding thickness.]
Researcher Fox: [Researcher Fox leans down and flicks the rear end of the padding, causing Padded Roach to fly across the room.]
Padded Roach: [Padded Roach bounces off the door of the incinerator chute, hits the floor, and slides under Storage Cabinet B.]
Researcher Fox: Padded Roach, no…
Encounter #: 41
Roach Instance: Kenshiroach
Personnel Name/Dept: Researcher Hammond
Description: Entity has been observed ‘fighting’ the other roaches, often killing them swiftly. Isolation procedures requested.
Kenshiroach Intake Log Interview
Researcher Hammond: Good day, Kenshiroach. How is isolation treating ya?
Kenshiroach: [Kenshiroach breaks through the glass jar, skitters across the table, and falls to the floor, bouncing off Researcher Hammond's right leg.]
Researcher Hammond: How did you break through the glass like that?
Kenshiroach: [Looks up at Researcher Hammond] Omae Wa Mou Shindeiru (tr.: "You Are Already Dead").
Researcher Hammond: Ke… Kenshiroach… N… Nani? [Researcher Hammond's body vaporizes.]
Encounter #: 42
Roach Instance: Programmable Alpha Directive Roach
Personnel Name/Dept: Researcher Fox
Description: P.A.D. Roach is a small mechanical device in the shape of a roach. From its backside, there is a 2.25cm antenna wire protruding upward.
Programmable Alpha Directive Roach Intake Log Interview
Researcher Fox: Good afternoon, Programm… screw it… P.A.D. Roach. How go your attempts to connect to outside data servers and leak all the Foundation's documents?
[TRANSCRIPTION SERVICE NOTE: SARCASM DETECTED]P.A.D. Roach: Beep, boop, beep.
[TRANSCRIPTION SERVICE NOTE: SARCASM DETECTED]Researcher Fox: Wait, what do you mean?
P.A.D. Roach: [Fax machine noises.]
Researcher Fox: P.A.D. Roach, NO!
Encounter #: 43
Roach Instance: Ironclad Roach
Personnel Name/Dept: Dr. Beiderman, [REDACTED]
Description: Ironclad Roachs' anomaly manifests in its extremely hard carapace, speculated to be capable of withstanding even a diamond tipped drill. It is also extremely heavy, exact weight unknown because it breaks all the scales.
Ironclad Roach Intake Log Interview
Dr. Beiderman: So…you're indestructible. How did that happen?
Ironclad Roach: [ Skitters on top of Dr. Beidermans shoe.]
Dr. Beiderman: IRONCLAD ROACH, NO!!!
Dr. Beiderman was treated for two broken toes.
Encounter #: 44
Roach Instance: Nomad Roach
Personnel Name/Dept: Dr. Redmond
Description: Nomad Roach is the name for the leader of a pack of escaped lab roaches. It seems to periodically move to the closest area containing food (usually leftovers by Kiryu Labs staff), and then leading the rest of the pack to consume said food. Nomad Roach and its pack have created miniature collapsible structures out of toothpicks, which are deployed for a certain amount of time before moving to another spot. It was captured for two minutes, during which this interview was conducted.
Nomad Roach Intake Log Interview
Dr. Redmond: Nomad Roach, why don’t you ever live in one of our comfortable roach habitats?
Nomad Roach: [eats Dr. Redmond’s leftovers]
Dr. Redmond: That’s not sanitary.
Nomad Roach: [escapes and marches with pack to Dr. Mercer’s lunch box]
Dr. Redmond: Nomad Roach, NO! [sighs] He was going to give me that cookie…
Encounter #: 45
Roach Instance: Hasselblad Roach
Personnel Name/Dept: Dr. Redmond
Description: Hasselblad Roach carries a miniature model of a Hasselblad X1D 50c camera on its body at all times. It has an affinity for taking photos of personnel bordering on obsession. It also wishes to become a world-famous photographer “like Arnold Newman” (direct quote). Hasselblad Roach has entered a partnership with Fad Roach to popularize its photographs.
Hasselblad Roach Intake Log Interview
Dr. Redmond: [Combs hair and straightens tie]
Hasselblad Roach: [takes photo of Dr. Redmond]
Dr. Redmond: Lemme see that photo.
Hasselblad Roach: [sends photo to Fad Roach, who immediately uploads it to Instagram]
Dr. Redmond: Hasselblad Roach, no! That was one of the worst ties ever manufactured!
Encounter #: 46
Roach Instance: Myriad Roach
Personnel Name/Dept: Dr. Matism
Description: Myriad Roach has the memetic effect of causing anyone who sees it to view the room it's in as filled with roaches.
Myriad Roach Intake Log Interview
Dr. Matism: Hi Myriad Roach!
Myriad Roach: [Waves to Dr. Matism]
Dr. Matism: Who are your friends?
Myriad Roach: [Begins to cry because he has no friends]
Dr. Matism: [Begins to cry as well] Myriad roach, no…
Encounter #: 47
Roach Instance: Not So Bad Roach
Personnel Name/Dept: Dr. Matism
Description: Not So Bad Roach has an anomalous property similar to SCP-048-J, but does not need to be spoken about. Anyone in Not So Bad Roach's presence will experience extremely bad luck.
Not So Bad Roach Intake Log Interview
Dr. Matism: So, Not So Bad Roach, when did all of this start?
Not So Bad Roach: Eh… It's not so bad
Dr. Matism: [Gestures to missing hind legs] Well clearly, some bad things have happened to you.
Not So Bad Roach: Eh, I don't need 'em
Dr. Matism: [Roof tile falls from ceiling and lands on Dr. Matism's hand, breaking his fingers] Not So Bad Roach, No!
Encounter #: 48
Roach Instance: Brad Roach
Personnel Name/Dept: Dr. Timid
Description: Brad Roach is such a frickin' jerk. All he does is pick on the other roaches and staff members. He's no fun to be around at all, and I wish he would just leave everyone alone. ):
Brad Roach Intake Log Interview
Dr. Timid: Why do you always bully everyone? Does it make you feel good?
Brad Roach: [bullies Dr. Timid]
Dr. Timid: Stop it! Being mean doesn't make you cool or anything!
Brad Roach: [keeps bullying]
Dr. Timid: [pulls out Dad Roach] I got your dad here, he says he wishes you'd make friends instead of picking on everyone.
Brad Roach: [says mean things to Dad Roach]
Dr. Timid: Brad Roach, please no…
Encounter #: 49
Roach Instance: Mackerel Shad Roach
Personnel Name/Dept: SCP-4287
Description: In an effort to offset excess stress on site personnel during the staff shortage, SCP-4287 requested that he conduct some of the Roach Intake Interviews at Kiryu Labs.
Mackerel Shad Roach Intake Log Interview
SCP-4287: You realize you're named after a fish, right?
Mackerel Shad Roach: [MSR chitters, runs in a circle, and flops around like a fish out of water.]
SCP-4287: Look, you ain't a friggin' fi …
Mackerel Shad Roach: [MSR transmogrifies into a mackerel shad.]
SCP-4287: Mackerel Shad Roach, no! You're a mackerel, not a roach! [SCP-4287 begins flapping its wings and shouting in normal pigeon sounds whilst simultaneously emitting multiple instances of SCP-4287-1.]
Encounter #: 50
Roach Instance: Trad Roach
Personnel Name/Dept: Dr. Derek Derekson
Description: Trad Roach was discovered hiding in a stack of Ivy League memorabilia.
Trad Roach Intake Log Interview
Dr. Derekson: So… tiny navy blazer? Multiple sets of penny loafers? Oxford cloth button-down shirt over the thorax? You kinda look like a roach version of my college buddy's rich uncle.
Trad Roach: Don't touch what you can't afford, little man.
Dr. Derekson: Excuse me! Not all of us come from old money! … wait, is that a Site-19 tie?
Trad Roach: Obviously. Father knows somebody, naturally. I wouldn't go getting your hopes up, though. A plebe like you just wouldn't fit in at the Grand Old Site.
Dr. Derekson: Trad Roach, no! (crying)
Encounter #: 51
Roach Instance: Olympiad Roach
Personnel Name/Dept: Dr. Johnson, Metaphysics
Description: Olympiad Roach was discovered in the Site-47 first-floor employee lounge. It displayed a clear preference toward grapes over other fruit and foodstuffs available.
Olympiad Roach Intake Log Interview
Dr. Johnson: Good afternoon, Olympiad Roach. Can you tell me about your diet and why you prefer grapes?
Olympiad Roach: [No response.]
Dr. Johnson: Do you have any preferences for other types of food?
Olympiad Roach: [Olympiad Roach points to a cluster of grapes in its enclosure.]
Dr. Johnson: I see. Is there anything else that you enjoy doing?
Olympiad Roach: [Olympiad Roach skitters over to Dr. Johnson's clipboard and begins chewing on a corner of it.]
Dr. Johnson: Ah. Well, thank you for your time, Olympi…
[Olympiad Roach begins to exhibit rapid growth and a competitive demeanor. Small wings are observed sprouting from Olympiad Roach's "ankles". It begins running laps around the table.]
Dr. Johnson: [Impressed.] Olympiad Roach, GOOOOO!
Cite this page as:
"Kiryu Labs Roach Wrangling Log" by Zyn, from the SCP Wiki. Source: https://scpwiki.com/kiryu-labs-roach-wrangling-log. Licensed under CC-BY-SA.
For information on how to use this component, see the License Box component. To read about licensing policy, see the Licensing Guide.
Filename: adroach
Name: adroach
Author:Zyn
License: CC BY-SA 3.0
Source Link: http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/kiryu-labs-roach-wrangling-log
