Laughing Matter
rating: +68+x

"Morons!"

Site director Marcia Leavitt stormed out of the Site-64 conference room, lab coat snapping behind her.

"Willing to combat every danger, but when you put a cute little face on it, they turn to butter!"

Albert Cardinal, her long-suffering assistant, hustled up to walk beside her. "How did the video conference with the O5's go?"

"The idiots just don't understand! They hear 'kittens' and it's like they tune all the danger out! When will they understand just how dangerous SCP-2559-J is?"

"Well, we can always appeal the decision. Wasn't it only a partial board?"

"No."

"But…why not?"

"I've had it with the apathy and chuckles this site's gotten over the years from the other directors. We're a laughingstock around the foundation, Al, and I'm sick of it."

Suddenly, she whirled around and grabbed a fire axe out of its place on the wall.

"Sick of it!" she screamed, and began to sprint off into the bowels of Site-64. Albert gaped at this sudden display for a second, then began to run after her.

"Director Leavitt! Wait! What are you doing?!"

"All through the Foundation, so-called 'joke' SCPs have gotten nothing but ridicule and derision for years! And I'm sick of it! These idiots need to learn just how funny these things are! They always focus on the humor and ignore the danger, huh? Well after today, I'll make sure each and every joke SCP gets taken as seriously as they deserve!"

While speaking, she arrived at the first checkpoint designed to hold back the kitten swarm, featuring thick Plexiglas windows and reinforced steel doors, entered her passcode, and walked through.

"What happens when the Screaming Man screams? How does the Laplander deliver objects around the world so fast? What is the limit to the objects the creepy Speedo guy keeps in his Speedo? Why does Hatbot keep trying to kill Mann? What do pufferkittens grow up to be?"

Here she stopped to go through another checkpoint.

"What if the procrastination spreads? For the love of god, they just had to look at 173-J to see how bad these things can go if not properly contained! How can the Singing Cacti Amigos sing without vocal chords? What happens if Dr. Gerald tries to fly a plane? Why does that fucking font keep getting used?"

The third checkpoint.

"Why does the ghost sign keep changing its identity? What do those two big spheres in the sky want from us? Why do people keep upvoting shitty articles? Why does the Unbound Harlequin keep chasing after 1840-J? Why do the printing plates attract cliches like flies on a carcass? Why can't people JUST SAY NO?"

Here, she came up short to the last checkpoint. It had already been shut down and boarded up, but through the thick Plexiglas viewing window mounds of writhing kittens could be seen piling up. The plexiglass was already beginning to buckle under the stress, but it would serve to hold back the kitten horde for a little bit.

At least, it would, until Director Leavitt slammed the axe against the plexiglass multiple times, screaming incoherently. The Plexiglas held, however, so the Director instead entered her keycode into the door and flung it open, releasing a flood of kittens into the hallway.

"Well, I've had enough. When Site-64 is covered in kittens, then they'll have to own up to what they've laughed at for years. After our, fall, nobody will laugh at a -J ever again."

As the kittens reached her, absorbing her into their writhing, mewling mass, her stunned assistant could hear "…who's laughing now…"


O5-1 stood up to address the Site Directors gathered before him.

"Following the unprecedented containment breach and subsequent loss at Site-64, a Foundation-wide policy has been instituted regarding so-called 'joke' SCPs."

"All containment procedures relating to -Js are to be examined and revised if necessary. In addition, all Foundation employees are to undergo mandatory retraining per the subject 'Joke SCPs and You: Staying Safe'."

"We would like to reiterate the fact that just because these SCPs may be humorous, they can be just as dangerous as anything else we handle here, as the events at Site-64 have proven."

"Secure. Contain. Protect. This meeting is concluded."

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