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"I'm sorry, ma'am, but Doctor Wondertainment cannot assume any liability for improper use of the Doctor Wondertainment's Young Surgeon Transplant Kit."

I put on my best Wondertainment Sparkly SmileTM and faced the newest visitor to Doctor Wondertainment's Super-Duper Liability Squad. Sadly, she did not have the trademark Doctor Wondertainment Positive AttitudeTM on, and was thus not in the best of spirits. I made a mental note to send her a free kit.

"It says so right on the Super Duper Warning Labels: Doctor Wondertainment's Young Surgeon Transplant Kit may contain traces of nuts."

"Traces of nuts? My little Johnny almost died after using your transplant thingie!"

Sighing, I pulled out the Official Doctor Wondertainment Book of Disclaimers (all 27 kilograms!) and opened to the appropriate page.

"I'm sorry, ma'am," I said, pointing to the appropriate section, "It says right here on page 1,485."

Doctor Wondertainment cannot assume any liability for nut-based injuries (for a complete list of nut-based injuries, see Appendix 5-A) if said nuts are clearly listed on Doctor Wondertainment's Super Duper Warning Labels.

I increased the twinkle of my Doctor Wondertainment Super-Sight EyesTM, leaned forward, and said "We are very, very sorry, and would be delighted to offer you any of Doctor Wondertainment's magnificent products as compensation, free of charge. Here," I opened up one of the many drawers in my desk and pulled out a sample. "Doctor Wondertainment's newest product, the Infinite Fun-BookTM, has just been released. You can be the first person in your neighborhood to have Infinite Fun, Guaranteed! Keep in mind though, we do not guarantee our guarantees."

The woman looked at me, frowning. "All right," she said, "I'll make sure Johnny knows which of your items has nuts in them from now on." And with that, she walked out of my office, certain in the knowledge that she would have Infinite Fun thanks to Doctor Wondertainment's product wizardry.

I sat back in my Doctor Wondertainment Magic Fingers Massaging Desk ChairTM, satisfied at another job well done. My happy thoughts were interrupted, however, by the ringing of my desk phone.

"I'm sorry, sir, but Doctor Wondertainment cannot accept liability for any injury, death, or disease caused by the misuse of Doctor Wondertainment's Wonder-Pony."

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