Mystery Skipper Theater 3000
rating: +45+x

The following broadcast transcript was detected from a previously dormant region of space, with Foundation encryption. The content is currently under analysis.

The Foundation's telescopic networks and satellites are to monitor the region of space this signal emerged from in order to prevent future incidents.


In the not too distant future♪ ♫ ♬

Next XK, A.D

Doctor Kondraki and his booterflies

Are more sinister than they seem.

Hired an Agent, Navarro's the name

A magic user of Three Portlands fame.

He did a good job keeping us all safe

But Kondraki didn't like it so he shot him into space!

(Get! Me! DOWN!!!)

"I'll send him lazy scippys,"

"The worst, I can write!"

"He'll have to sit and choke them down,"

"Until he loses his own mind!"

Now keep in mind Navarro hasn't gone around the bend just yet

(La La La)

Because he stole conversational skips

To be his robot friends!

ROBOT ROLL CALL

Dronebot! (Go higher!)

Pesterbot! (I'll get you!)

General Beep! (Bombs away!)

ROBO-DUDE (HEY NOW!)

If you're wondering why he can't just leave

Or the plausibility of this act

Then repeat to yourself "The Foundation is fake,"

"I should really just relax!"

For Mystery Science Theater… 3000!

[ Establishing shot, drawing back from a series of containment chamber doors, until we see NAVARRO standing behind a desk with GENERAL BEEP and ROBO-DUDE. A DRONE appears to be directing the camera. ]

NAVARRO: Hey folks! Welcome, uh, to the Satellite of Love. I'm not sure how long I've been up here but don't worry — at no point has it gotten any less tedious.

GENERAL BEEP: It almost makes you want to see what the Kon has in store for us next.

NAVARRO: Yeah, almost… but not quite.

ROBO-DUDE: INCOMING TRANSMISSION! SITE-19 DOCTOR KONDRAKI! I AM MAKING AN ANNOUNCEMENT!

NAVARRO: Whelp, speak of the devil, I suppose…

[ A screen appears, upon which DR. KONDRAKI'S face is displayed. KONDRAKI appears to be slightly disheveled and several butterflies are crawling on his face. ]

KONDRAKI: Hello, Navarro. How's the weather up there?

NAVARRO: Same as yesterday… a nice hot slice of nothing.

KONDRAKI: Well, I've got something for you today that might liven things up a bit. Are you ready? It's a doozy, this one…

NAVARRO: Yes. I am so excited. Please. Give it to me. Send your SCP signal into my Satellite of Love.

KONDRAKI: You're feeling snippy now, but you'll be lucky to have any feelings left after watching… SCP Foundation: The Movie!

NAVARRO, BOTS: OH NO!

[ Camera zooms back in through the doors. NAVARRO and THE BOTS briefly visible leaping into a conveniently located movie theater hatch. ]

[ EXTRENIOUS DETAIL REDACTED ]

[ NAVARRO, ROBO-DUDE AND GENERAL BEEP are visible in silhouette, in front of a movie screen ]

NAVARRO: Brought to you by Soaps from Corpses Products!

GENERAL BEEP: Soap? I thought it was Salman for Controlled Pesticides.

ROBO DUDE: WHAT ABOUT-

NAVARRO, BEEP: Shhhhhhh!

[ Movie playback continues normally, for approximately 45 minutes, with riffing. ]

PESTERBOT: [ Stumbling in from off-screen ] I will destroy you, but first, Navarro, you must-

NAVARRO: Wait, what? What's going on?

GENERAL BEEP: You dare you interrupt the proceedings‽ We may have to watch this over again! I'll have you court-martialed!

PESTERBOT: How dare you besmirch me when I merely come to warn Navarro? Your souls shall suffer in the deepest pits of-

NAVARRO: Nevermind that, what's going on?

PESTERBOT: Although deeply offended, and murderous, I will inform you. There is a celestial body rapidly approaching the Satellite of Love, and-

ROBO DUDE: WHAT IS GOING ON?

ALL: SHUSH!

NAVARRO: Will everybody please shut up so that I can— is it getting hot in here?

[ THE HATEFUL STAR SUDDENLY EXPLODES THROUGH THE SCREEN. INSTANTLY, THE ROOM IS ENGULFED WITH FLAMES. ]

THE HATEFUL STAR: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

NAVARRO: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

BOTS: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

THE HATEFUL STAR: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND YOUR MOVIE SUUUUUUUCKS

[ CAMERA IS APPARENTLY DISABLED THROUGH EXTREME TEMPERATURES. NO FURTHER BROADCASTS DETECTED. ]


Note from Dr. Edison: How dare they desecrate my cinematic masterpiece. Comparing the directing to drunken, headless chickens stapled together to act as a steadycam operator was completely over the top. I also did not appreciate the repeated comparing and contrasting of my cinematic skills to other scientists with my name. I demand that this be expunged from the record!

Lighten up, Edison. It's good for your blood pressure. — Director Aktus

Push the button, Max.

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