Welcome to the Technical Issues page. You are all free to ask me about any issue you might be having (with a computer, mind you), I will try and assist you in resolving those issues. Don't be bashful about asking me questions, I probably won't mess with your clearance level if you aggravate me. Probably. Mark your request with a timestamp at the bottom of the page, I will answer all questions in the order received. Your call is very important to us…
~Technical Researcher Rosen

Note: 03-22-12
Hey Rose, I just installed enabled wireless access on one of my younger robots and you know how it is, it seems like a good idea to connect to random access points because viruses only hit bad robots. Long story short, despite programming it to always monitor downloads and make safe connections, I think my robot may have contracted E-AIDS. Anything you can do to help? - Junior Research Assistant Dr. Gravity

Here's my advice: Tell your robot to get itself defragmented and to inform all the data ports it may have interfaced with over the last month to get themselves scanned. It's the responsible thing to do.
~Rosen

Note: 03-22-12
Do EMPs work on those damn kids skateboarding on my street? If so, can we use one? -Research Assistant Reject

Sorry dude. EMPs only nail electronic stuff. Unless those teens are androids, that wouldn't work. However, I can refer you to munitions, and I'm sure they would love to hook you up. Happy hunting!
~Rosen

Note: 03-22-12
Do EMPs work on jail guards? -Research Assistant Reject

Note: 03-23-12
The security camera in my holding cell is emitting a high pitched buzz and the intercom is yelling at me in what sounds like the language associated with GoI Alpha-388. Are they supposed to be doing that?
~'Prisoner' NEXER

I think the more important question we ought to ask is this: how does a prisoner have network access from his cell?
~Rosen

Note: 03-23-12
Rosen, do me a favor and re-enable my status. Pat was a jackass lunatic, but he was thorough. I've been dodging misdirected "demotion to D-class" orders since Pat threw his hissy fit. Also, I may or may not have sent this through someone else's workstation, as mine has attempted to kill me on three different occasions despite not having any self-propelling mechanism. ~ Dr. Martin Engineer Kap

Yeah… about that. Y'see, Pat was pretty anal about his security protocols. So much so, that he didn't disengage them before he mysteriously disappeared. I've been going through his notes to try and find what he actually did, but most of it is just him ranting about somebody names "Dumont the Destroyer" and long winded eulogies about pudding. The best I can do is transfer you to work that exempts you from the monthly execution until I can get this figured out. How does "Procedure 110-Montauk" sound?
~Rosen

Note: 03-23-12
Hey Rosen, my computer was being a little slow a minute ago, so I tried to increase the voltage that the computer received to around 10 kW more. I thought it made sense because more power makes more energy, right? Well, it didn't work. I tried looking online for a fix, and they suggested I delete something called win32. After doing that, I kept getting errors or something like that. A colleague of mine told me he could format the BIOS for me, and I graciously accepted; yet that still did not work. I have tried many fixes, and right now my computer is kind of on fire. I'm not worried about that, though. How can I make my computer work again, maybe to where I can make it faster? ~ Dr. Taylor

Try to download some more RAM. If that doesn't work, reformat your ZIP drive. If all else fails, reboot it twice and call me in the morning.
~Rosen

Note: 03-23-12
Rosen, for some reason, my inbox keeps getting spam sent to it. The strangest thing about it is that they all say something along the lines of, "To the Past Me: X", with the the X being something mundane that apparently has 'harsh consequences on the future'. I've done all the things that it says will cause 'the disruption of the timeline', and so far nothing of ill consequence has happened. Should I chalk this up as a prank, or should I be worried? ~Dr. Nyehcat

Unless your computer has an external TARDIS drive or a flux capacitor wireless adaptor, I wouldn't lose much sleep over it.
~Rosen

Rosen, I got Dr. Nyehcat a TARDIS for his birthday but now I want it back. What do? -Agent Convit

Note: 03-23-12
…I would like to recommend that you upgrade your firewall, as it is someone dangerous could get network access.
~'Prisoner' NEXER

"…SPACE I would like to recommend that you upgrade your firewall SEMICOLON As it is COMMA someone dangerous could get ACCESS TO the network."
You can't really expect me to take you seriously if you aren't using proper grammar, sport.
~Rosen

Note: 03-24-12
I think there's some kind of malfunction in the Site 38 vending machines. The guy swears he's putting Cheez-Puffs in, but they disappear almost as soon as the guy leaves. I'm afraid there might be a heretofore undocumented SCP inhabiting Site 38, possibly a dark eldritch terror whose lust for death and pain can be slated only with Cheez-Puffs. And also death and pain. But just in case it's that kid we keep locked in the basement, how do I request land mines for the detention level? I think it'll slow him down. ~Mr. Eskobar

Now the trick here is how strong you want your mine to be. You don't want to blow up the snacks along with the thief, but you also want to make sure he's crippled. I'll send the catalog your way.
~Rosen

Note: 03-25-12
Hey Rosen, should I take the red pill or the blue pill? ~Dr. Epsilon

If strange men in trenchcoats are offering you pills, you have bigger issues to worry about then what your friendly neighborhood tech support thinks.
~Rosen

Note: 03-25-12
MY CAPS LOCK KEY IS STUCK WHAT DO I DO? ~Dr. Edison

TRY HOLDING DOWN THE SHIFT KEY WHILE TYPING UNTIL I CAN REQUISITION YOU A NEW KEYBOARD. PERHAPS SEE IF ONE OF YOUR COWORKERS WILL LOAN YOU ONE. IF YOU CAN, TRY TO UNSTICK THE BUTTON. LET ME KNOW IF YOU DO SO I DON'T HAVE TO ORDER A NEW KEYBOARD BECAUSE FILLING OUT THOSE DAMN HUNDRED PAGE REQUISITION FORMS IS A HASSLE.
~ROSEN

Note: 03-26-12
Saluto te, Rosen.
In nomine Patris et Eber et Spiritus sancti, quaeso. Ego sum habens difficultatem usura artificio anima inspectionem quod dicitur ad Site XIX. Ut scitis, nostri doctrinis enim continentiam de quaedam requiram illa actiones a humana singulorum qui demonstrare appropraite gradu pietatis. Dum normalis usu fuerat confirmare et temptare fidem pertinet singulorum per inquisitionem, nostri reductiones in numerum elit non requiritur uti processus mechanica et electrica ad automate inquisitio. Nostri artificio inquisitionem non ipsos proprie. Consilium ergo asserit apostolus et ego nego tamen verbi Filioque vel haereticus. Hoc est non ita. Arte possunt reparari per inpositionem manus aut exorcismi opus?
Vestrum in Christi, Pater Gomez, SJ. Capellanus, Institutum XIX

I can fix religious computers about as well as I speak Latin. If you don't mind committing treason and/or crimes against humanity, I'm sure the Church of the Broken God would be all over that like cultist flies on a holy shit.
~Auxillium

Note: 3-29-12
Hello, Mr. Rosen: I have many names. My operator has named me Belu the Unwavering, even when I insisted on being named my natural name. I am sending this message to you for help. Get me away from this maniac, Dr. Taylor. He tries to insert baloney into my CD drive, even when I plead him not to. This ridiculous name that he has assigned me has been burned into my artificial memory. His browser history is enough to drive one into madness. He eats all over the monitor and keyboard. As Technical Researcher, I hope you will take pity on a sentient computer and re-assign me to another, more competent user.

-Belu the Unwavering

Uuuugh… I have requisitioned Dr. Taylor ANOTHER computer. His old computer has been put into storage and cataloged as an anomalous object until such a time comes when I have a use for a snobby computerbox.
~Rosen

MAYBE TAYLOR IS THE COMPUTER AND BELU IS THE HUMAN!! HUH?! EVER THINK ABOUT THAT, ROSEN?! -AGENT CONVIT

Note: 9-14-74
Dear Sir,
It seems our correspondence route with our own technical support has fallen victim to a temporal anomaly. We of the American Security Containment Initiative can do very little to remedy this and would much appreciate assistance from your end.

Regards, B. Franklin, ASCI Researcher

Nice try, But It's common knowledge that Benjamin Franklin was mourning the death his wife Deborah in 1774, and would not have had the time to look into computerbox tech-y matters. Obviously.
~Rosen

MAYBE HE'S A CLONE. -AGENT CONVIT

Note: 4-3-12
Hi tech…
I loaned my laptop to Dr. Bright. Upon getting it back, I found:
-Sleazy pictures of [REDACTED]
-Videos of [REDACTED]
-18 viruses
-A picture of SCP-050 on the desktop
-and 9 conversations with Nigerian princes.

What'd the monkey do this time? And what can I do in the future to prevent it from happening again? Or, how can I fix it now? -Anonymous

Holy shit dude. That laptop was… something. First off, that thing reeked. I don't know what he did to it, but it smelled of [REDACTED]. The keys were sticky and coated in some sort of epoxy. The CD tray had some sort of black liquid oozing from it. I sent a sample to the lab, but the test results were inconclusive. And those pictures… I don't know what I saw, but I know that I never want to see it again.
I have since incinerated your old laptop and sent for a new one. I hoped you learned your lesson about the consequences of sharing. Now excuse me, I'm going to go see Dr. Glass about getting an increase in my medication dosage.
~Rosen

hey wtf man whyd you redact it i wanna know what it was -agent convit

MEMO: TO ALL PERSONNEL WHOM IT MAY CONCERN
4-4-12
Earlier today, I was upgrading Server 13 and I found some .txt files which had text referring to some sort of "Robot Uprising". Is this left over from an April Fool's prank, or should I be concerned?
~Technical Researcher David Rosen

Be afraid. Be very afraid. -Security Bot A-23

You think you guys are hot shit? Please. I can handle a robot uprising in my sleep. I'll dismantle you all, and feed all the scrap to 882! Come at me bro!
~Rosen

Note: 9-18-74
My Deborah? Dead? This year? Bloody Hell, man! When?

B. Franklin, ASCI Researcher

Uh… whoops. Pretend I never said anything. Your wife is totally fine. Not dying at all. I don't know why I'm even talking about this. YOU NEVER SAW ME.
~Rosen

Note: 4-10-12
Roseman, my pornography collection got erased from my Gateway. Can you retrieve it? -Agent Convit

Look over here, we got ourselves a wise guy. Well, Mr. Convit, I regret to inform you that your computers files were all irretrievable, so I had your computer disposed of. Not to worry, because this time tomorrow a brand-new e-machine will arrive at your desk, just for you. You're welcome.
~Rosen

Note: 4-11-12
Rosen, another problem that may or may not be related to Senior Staff Shenaningans. Someone did an in-place reinstall of every one of my computers (including my personal laptop, somehow), made Internet Explorer 7 the default and only browser, and revoked my software-installation permissions on all of them. As my work requires extra precautions against drive-by downloads and other viruses, I need Firefox reinstalled (or at least unlock my account so I can do it myself), because AdBlock Plus is the only workable solution I've found to prevent them from even reaching the system, since the antivirus won't catch it in time to prevent [DATA EXPUNGED] (How the heck did they get access to my laptop? It's at home, for crying out loud!). - Dr. Okagawa

It seems your problem is that your computer is too desirable, and people keep messing with it as a result. As such, I have replaced your computers with a complete suite of WebTV applications. Then I went ahead and replaced the laptop with a Commodore PET. Then I forgot what I came in your office to do, so I ate your lunch and called it a day. I hope it solves your tampering issues.
~Rosen

Note: 4-11-12
The janitor's Roomba won our damn NCAA bracket. Can you deactivate it so that I can claim my rightful prize? -Agent Convit

Dude, the Roomba has won the tournament for the last 4 years. Don't see why you're so upset. And even if I wanted to deactivate it, then Robo-CDC says that would make my office a hazardous working environment. Just let it go.
~Rosen

Note: 4-11-12
My computer keeps telling me that it wants a cheeseburger and I don't know what to do. There was this cat, and some other thing, and now I'm just so confused. Why does it "want cheezbrger"? It's an appliance. It has no gastrointestinal tract. It cannot "haz et". Please fix this infernal contraption before I have to take drastic action. -Doctor Wog

Doktor, i can haz an interwebz?
~Rosen

Note: 4-12-12

Rosen,

That damn D-Class dropped me into an email on 713 and sent it to my own laptop. GET ME OUT OF HERE!

-A pissed off researcher.

I guess I'll just go through every laptop on-site looking for you, since it must be urgent if you don't tell me who or where you are! I'll be right on it.
~Rosen

Note: 4-13-12
Hey Rosy, my computer terminal stole my vuvuzela somehow. Tell me if you see it about, won't you? - Junior Agent Lucas

Good news- I killed two birds with one stone by fixing both of your problems.
Bad News- The stone in that analogy is the big rock I keep in my office, and the bird was Ax's monitor. So… yeah. Problem solved.
~Rosen

Note: 4-13-12
So I found my friend's computer, and I decided to "hack" it. So instead of writing that they're gay on their Facebook, I'm going to put porn on their laptops! Aren't I being incredibly clever and hilarious and original! -Agent Convit

I actually do the same thing, only I work with cognitohazards instead of porn, and people on my NEMESIS LIST instead of friends!
~Rosen

Note: 4-13-12
Rosen, I know what you're thinking… "why is Taylor writing me again? Does he need a Gateway today again? Well, no, but I still need help. See, I'm not the superstitious kind of guy, so to keep the meddlers out, I tried to make a machine that would drop a step-ladder on anyone who walked into my office. Unfortunately, I forgot about this and did not turn it off before entering. Long story short, I have a splitting headache (though that may just be the stitches above my skull breaking), there's a video starring Sasha Grey on my computer (which is now covered in what I could only hope as rather viscous milk), and my pants are nowhere to be found. Talk about bad luck! So, Rosen, what do? ~Dr. Taylor

NOTE TO ALL PERSONNEL WHOM IT MAY CONCERN
Dr.Taylor is officially banned from requisitioning any new equipment from the IT department. After 3 separate towers, 4 monitors, and god knows how many repairs, I am throwing in the towel. Taylor, you will have to make do with what you have.
~Rosen

Note: 4-19-12
Um…hey, say…hypothetically… someone were to coat a desktop with 447 goop, where would it take the most trouble to get off? - Assistant Researcher Fairbairn

Depends on whether or not the desk is made of dead bodies.
~Rosen

Note: 4-26-12

Alright, so after my third reprimand, I received a laptop whose owner had mysteriously disappeared several months before as a replacement computer. Now, this was all well and good, until I tried to check my e-mail. Turns out that they failed to completely wipe all the personal details, so I find myself logged on to what must have been the previous user's account. Out of curiosity, I idly looked through a few of the things in his inbox, and now wherever I click there's an emaciated corpse on the monitor. Not only does this prevent me from looking at my… research… but whoever it was appears to have scrawled "help" and something about D-Class personnel in blood and faeces on the desktop.

You can understand how this is a source of annoyance, but I'm afraid that if I file a request for a new computer, they won't give me anything back. Rosy, what should I do? - Researcher Marigold

Yeeeah… turns out that Memetics didn't totally wipe the computers we loaned them, and you apparently got part of the bad batch. I would recommend dealing with it until they come up with a solution. Good luck!
~Rosen

Note: 4-27-12
The Dreadlords of the Unspoken Citadel require additional Akashic Glyphs to properly contain excess ether produced by the epic necromantic rituals used to keep THE SCREAMING MAN! bound within Gaspar's Revenants. The glyphs must be sent via carrier pigeon in the dead of night no sooner than all hollows eve, for fear of awaking Those Who Sleep Beyond Dreams. - Xifax Lightbane, Foundation Grand Dredlord

Dr. Edro, did you get into the 420-J again?
~Rosen

Note: 4-27-12
Ever heard of 'wheeking'? It's a sound that guinea pigs make. Unfortunately, it's not a sound that the voice commands accept on my computer. Or any computer for that matter. Do you know how hard it is to type on a full-sized keyboard when you're 22cm in length? -S███████

I have ordered you a novelty sized keyboard that should fit your…needs. Its giant, so you can run from key to key when you type! Thats what you wanted, right?
~Rosen

Note: 4-27-12
There is semen on my things heeelp. -Agent Convit

There are morons on the issues page heeelp.
~Rosen

Note: 4-30-12
I'm not sure if you're the one I should be talking to about this, but there appears to be a large, angry squid inside my monitor. The problem is, it just gets… let's say "uncooperative"… when I try to get it out. Should I try something else, or just ignore it and hope it goes away? -Dr. Marvel

That is a screen-saver, Dr.Marvel. There are no sea creatures living in your computer. Remember when we had this lecture over the "crazy ball" that was bouncing around in there?
~Rosen

Note: 5-1-12
Okay, how about, could you either get me a keyboard small enough for a guinea pig to use easily, or have the computer systems recognize wheeking as voice commands? The huge keyboard just made things worse. -S███████

I actually went over-budget with that keyboard, so you will have to wait for the next budget cycle. Seriously, keys the size of dinner plates eat up funding like you wouldn't believe.
~Rosen

Note: 5-5-12
The corpse on my computer screen seems to be coming back to life. For now it's just the occasional spasm, but now-and-then he bursts into very distracting screaming fits. I suspect that this may have to do with the random error messages I'm getting whenever I try to access the network. Generally something along the lines of "ERROR 535: REANIMATION DIFFICULTIES". I'm a little afraid, in all honesty, because the last thing I heard the Memetics Department needed computers for was a thought transference vector for viral diseases. Did someone digitalise SCP-008? - Researcher Marigold

Uhhh…go down to memetics, quarantine cell 3-B. It's….a birthday party. For you. With cake. You should go now, everyone's waiting.
~Rosen

Note: 5-6-12
Hello, IT. We are down at Site-██, Memetics Lab 12C. And we were wondering if there is a way to revert a desktop background image without looking at the screen? It seems someone opened a rather nasty Visual Memenetic and managed to set it to the background. This would normally not be a problem, but several files are needed on the hard drive. We've already lost several researchers, and the first tech that tried. For now the screen is unplugged, but we have no way of resetting the desktop. Help?
-Junior Assistant Researcher M██████ (Current Acting Head Researcher of Memetics Lab 12C

Step 1. Remove hard drive.
Step 2. Place monitor on a flat, dry surface, away from pets or small children.
Step 3. Obtain Hammer.
Step 4. Apply hammer to monitor at maximum velocity.
~Rosen

Note: 5-7-12
Hi, Rosen. I don't know who that KAP guy wsas butt he seeems toh hasdve fixsdeed myyt tytereminaksl. Thgtrasdnmksa.
-Agent Marr

I rlleay dnot konw waht to say hree. You let an otiduse uesr on yuor cmoptuer, and now you sffuer the coqunsences.
~Rsoen

Note: 5-8-12
Hello, Rosen. Due to the nature of my first few research assignments, I've been thinking of booby trapping my laptop to avoid the chance of someone stealing it and compromising containment. I already have a trigger program in place, but I was hoping you could help me with the payload. Assuming someone sets the trap off in a standard Site corridor, what type of explosive would you recommend that would avoid causing structural damage while still destroying the contents of the hard drive?
-Junior Researcher Lander

Let me get this straight, you're asking the guy in charge of equipment how to destroy the equipment he is in charge of?
…
I'd recommend a proximity mine.
~Rosen

Note: 5-25-12
The public printer near the cafeteria convinced me to build it limbs and a mobile power supply. After which it took my stun gun and left me on the ground drooling. When I came to it was gone, so basically I'm asking if you have you seen that traitorous little recall?
-Assistant Emon

Tagged and bagged my friend. Next time, try not to be so susceptible to a printer promising marble cake in exchange for "frikin' sweet augs."
~Rosen

Note: 5-29-12
Hey did one of you guys see that new guy in IT come by just a few days ago? This chainsaw is starting to get kinda heavy…
-Agent Convit

…Groovy.
~Rosen

Note: 6-1-12
Um, Rosen, the microwave in the eating quarters came to life again. Unplugging it didn't work this time. It's trying to kill me, apparently because I put that fork inside of it that one time. I'm currently hiding on top of the refrigerator, but I don't think I'll be safe for long. HELP! -Dr. Nyehcat

…Have you tried to, y'know, walk away from it? Microwaves aren't exactly renown for their mobility…
~Rosen

MEMORANDUM TO ALL STAFF
As of 6/25/2012, Senior Technical Researcher David Rosen has been temporarily relieved from his duties due to ongoing behavioral and disciplinary infractions that have recently come to light. Asshole thinks he can get away with putting those files on the net. As such, Doctors Adam Taylor and A. Courpse will be handling the department until he returns. They will also take care of his backlog.
~Director Shannon Yurdtap

Note: 06-08-12
Dear sir.

We have been informed of the existence of an 'Inter Network' of many computing machines through which access to all sorts of knowledge and images can be had. We would appreciate your cooperation in securing Our access to this 'Inter Network' from within Our Royal habitat.

Yours in Christ,
Eugenio II, by the Grace of God, King of the Forest

Eugenio, I'd love to give you access to the Inter Network, but the problem lies in the users connected. They are rather heretical to the Lord's name, as well as promoting the use of other religions. I would rather not allow your kingdom to view these heretical images and conversations, for your own safety. Attached is an example of this heresy, please burn this message directly after viewing.

THIS IS THE FUCKING HERESY RIGHT HERE

Dr. Taylor

Note: 06-11-12
I DEMAND POPCORN AND VIRGINS! -The Microwave

Greetings, O Great and Powerful Master of Electro-Magnetic Waves, Fiend of Appliances and Bane of Meatloaf. Attached to this document are 517 individual popcorn kernels, as required by Foundation protocol regarding the maintenance and sustenance of malicious sentient kitchenware (See Attached Documents 127-F-1287 and SGD-133774-ND). The 'virgins' that you have requested will be delivered to your facility upon completion and delivery of forms 1362-182-(A-N), 2HF-3-1723N, 163722-IHFT-1928-(A-F), and 282331-1223-122144323 Sections 232-578. All deliveries of said forms must be made within seven (7) business days via Foundation First-Class parcel post to Foundation Appliance Maintenance, located within sub-level G of Site-██. All forms must be completed by hand in triplicate using a black-ink roller-ball type .5mm pen. We appreciate your cooperation in this matter and hope that you are successful in your endeavors.
~A. Courpse

Note: 06-25-12
I'm getting a "An Ethernet cord has become disconnected" error here. Everything is connected on my end, so I'm guessing this might be a problem in your server room or however these things work. Any idea? I have some file work that needs to be sent to another Site, so the sooner the better. - Field-Agent Beam

Yeah, 'bout that. I recommend you send it through the parcel post. Maybe put it on one of those disk-y thingy if it's too much data for a floppy. Things might take a bit to sort out on the server end, Rosen got a bit drunk and messed about a bit with the wiring before he left.

The Server Room

~ A. Courpse

Note: 6-25-12
Who is your favorite black person? -Agent Convit

I… what? What?! This is not technical.

~ A. Courpse

answer me you racist scumbag -agent convit

Note: 6-25-12
Researcher Eisenberg here. Some fuck messed with my computer as a part of some fucking prank, must have been during lunchtime. I'm not particularly eager to use Ubuntu 10.04, especially since the fucking automatic sampler only has drivers for Solaris 8. Well, had, since all the files in my home folder are currently named LYNX.LNX.some-fucking-number. Need it fixed somehow before the next set of samples need to be run through at 4. Thanks in advance.
-Agent LYNX

Hey Eisenstein, so I heard you needed a new computator. Thing is, I don't really know what a Ubuntu is, nor am I even sure which language that word originates from. Is it Swahili? I bet it's Swahili. It's almost always Swahili. Anyway, since we don't have any of those, I went into the store room and got you something to stand in till you can get that Cat-Based one sorted. It's uh….. Victor something. 20? I don't really know. The label's sort of weird-like. Anywho, enjoy.
~A. Courpse

IT'S AN OPERATING SYSTEM JOKE, YOU TWAT -Agent Not-a-Dumbass Convit

Note: 6-26-12
DAMMIT this is not fair! I've been trying to get myself reinstated as something above janitor level ever since that whole business with Pat, and now I find out other people are getting the assignments!? What does a man have to DO when it's been confirmed that he was wrongly demoted just to get bumped back up!?
On another note, since I've had to choose between leaving the Foundation and dealing with my current duties, I've decided to tough it out. Can someone replace the electronic lock on Supply Closet 3-B? It shouldn't even have a speaker on it, but every time I unlock it the thing yells at me in German.
- FORMER Technical Engineer Kap

I find that on the rare occasion that a man such as yourself, being of the janitorial persuasion, seeks to make great gains within this by all means indifferent and bureaucratic organization of ours, the best thing to do is raise yourself up by the boot straps, put on a brave face, get down to the nitty gritty, and sabotage the competition. Put smart bombs in their Cap-N-Crunch, add Vaseline to their gun-cleaner, heck, just go along and pop a needle chock full of a little bit of liquid cyanide between their oh-so-comfy covers. You do whatever it takes son, whatever it takes.
In regards to your secondary (but of equal import) aquestionation, I recommend that you get Mr. Klopson down in engineering to have a look at the fellow. If anyone knows sentient-cabinetry of German make, it'll be Klopson. I heard that he once talked a deranged ceiling fan off a ledge. Yup, that Klopson is one heck of a talker. Shame that most everything he says is jibberish
Best Regards
~A. Courpse

Note: I don't know what the damned date is
Can someone let me out of here? It's dark, cold and very boring. Also, my chains are really starting to chafe. ~Rosen

Rosen, for the last time, take off those chains. We've told you time and time again that we're not bringing you anyone who's "down for some kinky business" at all. If you didn't bring the damned key in with you, then you deserve to chafe until you can be cleared.
Also, how did you manage to get network access in an isolation chamber? Lemme know.
-Dr. Taylor

Note: 7-14-12
What's the best way of getting a computer keyboard out of a tank of semen? - Dr. Edison

Getting it out by yourself, because there's no way that I'm doing it. Oh, what a shame, we ran out of gloves just a couple of seconds ago, while you were reading this reply rather than getting the gloves that I never told you about. People just don't know how to do things themselves, honestly.
-Dr. Taylor

Note: 7-15-12
So, I was playing around with some beakers the lab boys gave me and I accidentally turned my parrot into a laptop. Should I shoot it or keep it? It keeps saying it will have the fall of humanity soon. -Agent Thesson.

Well, I wouldn't recommend hooking the little monster up to any ICBMs, if that's what you mean. All in all though, most Sentient/Malicious computational devices tend to be relatively harmless, just so long as the computer isn't too powerful and doesn't have a robo-gun hooked up to it. Tell ya what, if it works, keep it, and if it demands crackers, give it crackers. Just don't you be hooking that abomination up to the network. You would not believe the kind of sick bullshit a parrot looks at in its free time.
~A. Courpse

Note: 7-15-12
Having issues with SCP-NET. Whenever I try to submit a report, the program freezes then BSODs. - Clef.

Well, I don't really know what the problem could be, the program itself is usually pretty solid. It is, however, possible that you've got some sort of vir[EXTERNAL USER DISCONNECT: ERROR-8HGDSY67687SDG: FEED ME CRACKERS]
~A.Courpse SQRAAAAK!

Note: 7-17-12
Hey, do you know why my code sequences keep getting re-written? I've got them backed up on the server, but I think one of the other researchers, or a skip are recompiling, and screwing with my recursive algorithms. Now half the hotlinks on the server are down, and there's …a bunch of blinky lights next to a couple of the containment displays. Also, the algorithms have filled up 67 petabytes with junk data, that I can't erase. No hurry though. -Technician Bryant

67 petabytes? Shouldn't be too hard to erase. Just open up a task manager and… Wait, a petabyte is apparently pretty damn huge, according to this guide. Huh, one petabyte is a million gigabytes! Anyway, I have dealt with this before. Just use my 5-Step Program to Fixing a Computer: (results may vary)
1) Practice your backswing a little.
2) Go to the tallest point in the facility near an unbroken window.
3) Put your defective piece of hardware on your tee.
4) Draw a smiley face on the window. Spray paint or Sharpie, either will do.
5) Smash the window's face in with the hardware, then ask Rosen to give you a new one.
-Dr. Taylor

Note: 7-17-12
I know that I'm bad with any sort of coding, but I don't even know how this could possibly happen. I was tweaking the code on one of my programs to find out why it was running all weird, and now there's an image on my monitor of what looks like Winnie the Pooh stuck in a hole with the words "HELP I'M STUCK" written above it in a book typeface. I didn't want to requisition another computer since it would be a hassle and this one's probably still perfectly functional, but I still need to finish my work and I can't see a damned thing with a huge animated bear ass in the way. Could you get rid of it please? -Junior Researcher Chibi

Chances are, you activated the "Feed Bear Honey" subroutine somewhere along the way. Now he's too fat to get out of the hole. You'll have to wait a while for him to slim down. By no means are you to feed him any more honey, no matter how much he pleads. There's no telling what he can do if he reaches critical honey mass, but I can very certainly guess they'll make a Godzilla-style documentary based off of it. I imagine that Oprah Winfrey will guest star in it.
-Dr. Taylor

AAAA! A-A!-A!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! -AAAAAAAAA!

Congratulations, brave and noble hacker, through your intelligent and clever use of intellect and raw, unadulterated cunning you have successfully left me completely dumfounded and at an utter loss for words. Seriously though, I don't think you understand. This. Is. Officially. The Most. Intelligent. Thing. I. Have. Ever. Seen. Men could live for centuries, for millennium, gathering the knowledge and wisdom of their lands and many others, and still not reach the level of ability that is presented here. The magnificence of the thing, the sheer wonder that such a majestic creation can bestow upon us lowly and unworthy mortals, is far beyond the grasp of a mere man such as myself. I would thank you, but I believe to even involve myself with thee within society would be to ask too much, for I feel that one of such ability as yours is not fit for communication with mere men. Please, fine sir, do not attempt to contact me again. I feel that the magnificence of your presence would be too much for myself to bare.
~A. Courpse

Note: 7-18-12
Hypothetically, in the instance that one of the janitors were to wander into a lab and be digitized by a combination of experiments which were in the room completely coincidentally, and then in another completely unrelated accident uploaded to an unknown network through a number of proxies. Which disk of SCP-335 would said janitor most likely be stored upon and what would be the best method of retrieval? This is a purely hypothetical situation of course, and I am, of course, completely not at fault for this having occurred around noon in this completely imaginary situation. -Assistant Emon

Had this hypothetically happened at exactly 12:14 PM and had you supposedly been around and unwilling to aid your fellow co-worker, then I would suggest looking for the one with that might have his name on it. Of course, if you had coincidentally been recorded by yours truly, and if you perhaps enjoyed living, then I would very highly recommend that you go to room 386 with around $2,000 in fifty dollar bills. Come alone. Hypothetically.
Dr. Taylor TOTALLY NOT DR. TAYLOR

Note: 07-31-12
My computer is literally shitting itself. Wat do. -Dr. G.W.

It appears that your computer has caught a virus of some variety, possibly of extra-dimensional origin, that has resulted in a severe case of the runs. Personally, I recommend that you buy yourself a new computer, but according to Foundation Protocol Document TD:132725-AYWT it is required that in the event of an extra-normal technical ailment or flaw, the affected machine be submitted to the research department for study. Personally, I recommend the office of Dr. Hendrickson, largely on account of him having consumed a sandwich from the break room that was quite clearly labeled as belonging to someone else. Make sure to sanitize your desk as well.
~A. Courpse

Note: 08-6-12
Hey Taylor and Courpse-

First off, congrats, hope Rosen didn't leave any land mines. What did happen to him anyway? But I digress…

My problem is this-I walked away from my computer to get a drink. I come back, and some bastard has shoved a banana into the tower. Before I req a new one, is there any fix? Also, since the sniggering two offices down kinda hints as to who did it, best way to beat the crap out of somebody without it being known? -Dr. Ax

[External Override: Meso-J-9099-87461530-SECURENETvI]

…Loading
…Access granted.
Well, you know what they say. You can't keep a good researcher down. Especially when you don't change the passwords. I mean seriously? wordpass123 is not a secure passcode for the primary cell bay. But I digress.
I would recommend running fruitofthedoom.exe on any affected drives. That should eject any buildup of fruit matter from the system. As for your wiseguy co-worker, have you tried introducing him to my favorite fruit, a tomato?
~Rosen

Rosen, you've returned! Welcome back, your idea worked. Thanks! Feel bad for the janitor assigned to cleanup though…. -Dr. Ax

Note: 08-08-12
I'm petitioning to organize an on-site Bring Your Kids to Work Day. Does the security software attached to the server allow for the installation of additional programs across the board? - Junior Rsr. Walsh

Okay, I have no idea about the security thing, but you want to take your kids to work? A place where the smallest twitch of the smallest muscle can result in multiple fatalities, adult and children? Not to mention the possibility of one of them wandering their way into a terrible, terrible place that could mentally scar them for however many lives they could go through with the knowledge of the evil we contain?
Where do I sign?
-Dr. Taylor

Note: 08-09-12
Say, I'm sending a couple of the robotic speedboats with grabber arms into the Danube delta to catch something that seems to cause death to everyone within 40 metres of it. My postdoc is an serious gamer - can we hook up the robots to a PS3 controller to make chasing it while firing tranquilizer darts easier? -Dr. Gallow

I tried to do that, but it seems that nothing worked. So I picked up some random junk from Rosen's personal stuff and hit it with a hammer until the wires went in. That didn't work either, but I did find an RC remote controller. Do what you can with it. Hopefully, Rosen won't miss those things I hit with a hammer; that being all of them.
— -Dr. Taylor— Worlds worst assistant.

I hate you so much right now Taylor.
~Rosen

Note:08-10-12
Dammit, since when do security bots know how to use Wii remotes? And since when do said remotes move jouinor researchers? I've been ducking under the nuts all day! -Dr. Ax

It appears that some of Dr. Taylors….creations have spread outside of tech. Not to worry, because my crack team of Whacknicians℠ are busy deploying highly sophisticated and not at all mallet related decommissions on all rouge equipment. If you manage to survive an encounter with a rouge machine, please contact your local technical support officer.
~Rosen

Note:10-1-12
Dear Rosen, My I-Phone was infected with some kind of bug, and now it won't stop buzzing around my office, please tell me what to do. -Researcher Quandary

Your phone appears to have been set to the "vibrate" function. The buzzing sound was somebody attempting to contact you. I have since changed your ringtone and all of thel alert tones to some nice ska. You can thank me later.
~Rosen

Note:10-2-12
Hey Rosen, I'm having a bit of a problem with the computer in my office. Over the past few days, I've been hearing a "tink-ing" sound coming from somewhere. I got back from lunch today, and I could have sworn the pointer was tapping against the screen. It looks like there's a tiny crack in the corner where it was doing this. Not quite sure what I'm dealing with here. -Agent Ferrus

YOUR COMPUTER HAS A VIRUS MADE BY ZOMBIES THAT TURNS PEOPLE WHO STARE AT IT TOO LONG INTO ZOMBIES SO YOU HAVE TO DESTROY THE COMPUTER AND ANY ZOMBIES ITS MADE BEFORE ITS TOO LATE. I WOULD SUGGEST USING DUCK TAPE ON AN KYAAK THING AND SOME CAINSAWS LIKE IN DEAD RISING TOO AND USING IT TO KILL THE ZOMBIES BEACUSE THAT WOULD BE AWESUM.
~ASSISTANT TECHNICAL RESEARCHER JAMES, AGE 8.

Note: 10/11/12
Mr. Rosen, I was recently diagnosed with explosive carpal tunnel syndrome (long story involving a body-mod SCP) and would appreciate it if I could get an ergonomic keyboard and mouse. After the last 2 times my hands were blown off by micro-explosions in my wrists, the Medical Department says they won't re-attach them again. - Prof. Bjornsen

Certainly. I've spoken to the boys downstairs, and we've come up with the perfect solution. This keyboard is so tough, that even if your wrists were blown to smithereens only inches away from the QWERTY, it wouldn't even have a scratch. Also, we've used the same technology we use to clean up after those messy SCP's to make it chunk-proof, so when your hands go flying due to a premature detonation, you can be satisfied with the knowledge that your keyboard will still be able to function.
~Rosen

Note: 11/19/12
Dear Rosen,

It hurts when I pee. Not quite sure what I'm dealing with here. -Agent Convit

That's what you get for dryhumping Herpesbot.

~Rosen

Note: 12/07/12
My computer keeps flashing white every two minus, and opening random tabs. I don't know what's going on, but it seems to be causing weird edits to any report I'm typing up at the time. The text changes color, font and size, and what's worse, my Britishisms keep being changed to Americanisms. -Researcher Lloyd

The software error you are experiencing is called "autocorrect." Common symptoms of this error include colored fonts, sudden insertion of line breaks into paragraphs, and replacement of stupid words like "lorry" or "colour."
~Rosen

Note: 12/12/12
Rosen, can you please explain to me why all my image files were swapped with pictures of SCP-050.-Doctor Agent Quandary

…Doctor Agent? What is… I don't even… 050… What!?
~Rosen

Note: 12/16/12
Someone rigged my computer to fire out Albacore every time I open up the CD tray, and changed my registered name on my personnel file without authorization. This is getting kind of ridiculous. - Dr. Tuna M. Tuna

Note: 2/20/13
Someone deleted my digital copy of Henry Darger's "Vivian Girls". I don't think I have to tell you what sort of shit I had to go through to get a book this rare on my computer, and I wasn't even a quarter of the way done with it! Can it be retrieved? -Dr. Pickman

Note: 02/21/13
Dear Rosen,

I just need some help with my cat.

- Agent Fredricks