Researcher Calvin's Personnel File
rating: +41+x


This is not a picture of Researcher Calvin.


The following is a list of SCP files that Researcher Calvin has written:

SCP-2785 - Self Replicating Automaton - Rating: +98
Wait! You have yet to see the magic of long division!

SCP-3747 - Death by Vacuum - Rating: +82
That's all I needed to hear.

SCP-3095 - Bird is the Word - Rating: +155
SCP-3095-1 were first discovered in New York City, after an organized group made up of pigeons attempted to claim the Statue of Liberty for themselves.

SCP-3733 - Everybody Else - Rating: +146
Could you please elaborate on "everybody else?"

SCP-3833 - Welcome to the Top of the Mountain - Rating: +46
It's not the storm, it's the mountain. The mountain hates.

SCP-3248 - Who Shot Sulley? (JamCon 2018 Entry) - Rating: +25
His cadaver was later found in a nearby river. Cause of death could not be determined.

SCP-3485 - Omega Messier - Rating: +56
Aside from these modifications, SCP-3485 has the same systems as a non-anomalous lobster, although scaled up by several magnitudes.

SCP-3296 - The Drifter (DoomsdayCon 2018 Entry) - Rating: +71
god is dead and birds killed him

SCP-3362 - A Forced Self-Insert (DoomsdayCon 2018 Entry) - Rating: +95
However, it is believed that this event had implications that are not within the grasp of the current Foundation.

SCP-4800 - Midnight (4k Contest 2018 Entry) - Rating: +161
What can you tell us, about, well, what's happening out there?

SCP-4799 - Mariachi's Merchants - Rating: +39
We're tech smugglers. Like I said, there's a lot of different universes out there, not just this backwater hole-in-the-ground.

SCP-4048 - We need to talk about your forklift certification - Rating: +97
All it did was ask me a bunch 'a' weird questions about my job. Stuff like "when was the last time you went uphill on a diagonal", or "have you ever moved your forklift when it's in gear".

SCP-4948 - Behind Ajar Doors - Rating: +82
Attempts to remove these doors from the chamber have failed. The chamber has since been filled with concrete.

SCP-4148 - Space Ladybugs (Bright's 1st Challenge Entry) - Rating: +27
This was met with an erratic period of activity from SCP-4148-1 presumed to be celebration.

SCP-4248 - Alphabet and Omega - Rating: +80
Convince me otherwise, but I don't think God has two wings or caws.

SCP-4348 - dado borger and france fry - Rating: +58
dado beat out competition by give dado borger and france fry before other competitors by deliver burger faster. No more fast than in the past. You already trust dado.

The following is a list of SCP files Researcher Calvin has proofread:

SCP-3339 - Randall the Clown's Wacky Broadway Theatre - Rating: +108 - Originally filed by Agent the_Brunothe_Bruno
This place used to attract kids by the hundreds. Every time I performed, I could count on an entire crowd cheering on my handiwork here, appreciating the show.

SCP-199 - Spy Ferns - Rating: +29 - Originally filed by Mr. Flames and Dr. Elliott
The task force attempted to use fire to destroy these plants; however, SCP-199 reacted with the fire and exploded into acidic green slime, injuring five Foundation agents.

SCP-1037 - Rotbolt - Rating: +21 - Originally filed by Researcher carbonCorecarbonCore
Following quarantine, the infected areas were destroyed through the use of explosives. However, the wreckage of the site began converting the surrounding Earth to SCP-1037-material. At the discretion of Director Moose, gasoline and fire were used to destroy the wreckage, as it proved to be flammable.

The following is a list of SCP files Researcher Calvin wrote while drunk on turnip juice:

SCP-579-J - Microtransactions - Rating: +99


The following is a list of classified incident reports Researcher Calvin attempted to publish to

The Little Robot that Could - Rating: +88
If SCP-2785 could have, he would have passed out from exhilaration.

Vacation Opportunity (JamCon 2018 Entry) - Rating: +27
Are you tired of old, boring beaches? Is the sand getting in between your toes and getting to your head?

The Shape of Water is Humanoid (JamCon 2018 Entry) - Rating: +18
The Water Man was about to give his new new friends a great, big hug when a solid chunk of metal flew through his stomach.

Homaquis - Rating: +10
The moonlight made the clear pond dazzle on a cloudless night in Florida. The pond smelled of mildew, compost, and the fresh metal of the newly installed fence surrounding the lake.

Join the Flock (DoomsdayCon 2018 Entry) - Rating: +74
A third thought arrived that posed the question of whether or not humans were just unwinged birds, and then a fourth, and a fifth, and a sixth, until all that was on Sam's mind was birds.

Tales of the Automaton: The Big Birdocalypse (DoomsdayCon 2018 Entry) - Rating: +80
SCP-2785 looked over to the seagulls. They wore neat lab coats and looked at him with focused eyes, and had beaks instead of mouths. He tried to imagine one of the seagulls smiling, but his imagination was weak and he couldn't.

Avian Anthology I (DoomsdayCon 2018 Entry) - Rating: +47 - Documentation filed with the assistance of Lieutenant Flops, Dr. Aers and Dr. Little
Hoygull let himself taste the dry, dusty air of the battlefield. In front of him, the remaining fifty birds left in the Avian Division held their ground with various types of tripod-mounted grenade launchers, modified to make them easier to use with wings instead of hands.

Avian Anthology II (DoomsdayCon 2018 Entry) - Rating: +49 - Documentation filed with the assistance of Lieutenant Flops, Dr. Aers and Dr. Little
T minus 29 seconds…

Your Guard - Rating: +28
Sorry, sport. It's been five fucking long years since that happened, and I still haven't gotten over it. Give me a moment to catch my breath.

Katz and Dogs (Original Character Tournament) - Rating: +34

The Scent of a Toaster (Original Character Tournament) - Rating: +20
They smelled of aggressive mint, intimidation, and of their hatred for the toaster that had just stole their potential feast.

My Empire of Birds (Original Character Tournament) - Rating: +45
"Wait a tallied second," replied the doctor, "if— if I'm you, and you're, well, me, does this mean that, somehow, that old parallel universe theory is correct?"

ADDENDUM 03: im not even trying to be in universe anymore

ADDENDUM 04: Living Will

In the event that I disappear off the face of the planet and I'm unable to approve rewrites/WikiWalk proposals/etc, I have arranged for stormbreathstormbreath to take control of all of my things on the wiki.

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