Peanuts
rating: +172+x

2011-06-07
13:35:00 CST
Agents Lament and Dodridge
[REDACTED], Northern Territory, Australia

Two men sit in a darkened room, waiting for assignment. They've been told they're to execute a termination order, but not much else. The hazy atmosphere, rich with the smoke wafting from a pair of cigars, obscures the light falling from a single, tiny window at the back of the room, hiding the spartan, block-style, concrete construction and bare furnishings. As they muse on temporal distortion containment measures, the best method for execution of a snatch-and-grab, and the niceties of covert tactical assaults, another, older man enters the room silently and steps over to where the two are seated at a cheap wooden desk. Wordlessly, he drops a folder in front of each man, dusting up ashes. They're promptly brushed off of a cheap suit and a set of fatigues, and the seated men flip through the enclosed papers quickly. They confer with each other briefly and nod. The man in fatigues stands and regards the older man. "Yeah, we can kill it. We can kill anything."

Lament and Dodridge. One's a no-account field agent on a dead-end career track with nothing to lose. The other's a loose-cannon jarhead security officer with a questionable past. They fight SCPs.

The older man takes the folders and steps out just as quietly as he entered, closing the door behind him with a soft click. Lament puffs at his cigar and glances over at Dodridge. "So. You got a plan for this one?"

Dodridge relights his, having winked out in the short time it took them to review their target. "I've got some ideas."


Foreword: The following records were retrieved from a partially destroyed test chamber scheduled for block testing involving SCP-723-D following the Agents' departure from Site-██. Any additional tests that may have been performed are not on record, and the following data is mostly a reconstruction based on both the intact security footage and the testimony of additional personnel.


Date: 2011/06/08
Time: 13:45:00 CST
Test Materials: 1x MRI MkXIX DEP .50AE (Mk19Mod2 revision) handgun, 8x 12.7x33mm 325-grain NJCP slugs
Test Subjects: SCP-723-D
Observer: Agent Lament

Log of Events: Immediately following our arrival to the test facility, Agent Dodridge entered the chamber, stepped to arm's length from the termination target, drew his handgun, aimed at the target's face, and discharged the firearm. Both subjects recoiled at the shot in opposite directions, and Agent Dodridge is recorded as uttering several profanities while covering his face. Immediate playback of high-speed footage shows that the round impacted the subject's face and halted forward travel, deforming immediately on contact and dropping to the ground, as the subject traveled away from the impact at high velocity. Agent Dodridge suffered minor "blowback" in the form of a small shard of the round's jacket embedding in his face. SCP-723-D was unharmed but dazed by the sudden acceleration. Dodridge was treated and testing continued.


Date: 2011/06/08
Time: 13:57:00 CST
Test Materials: 1x 9.1 kg M183 Demolition Charge Assembly, 1x Sharpie (green, appended)
Test Subject: SCP-723-D
Observer: Agent Lament

Log of Events: Agent Dodridge re-entered the test chamber carrying a quantity of C4 that he had heated in a microwave to "make it mold easier," and shaped the charge into a block on SCP-723-D's head. After I remarked it had a passing resemblance to SCP-173, Dodridge agreed, and left the chamber for approximately five minutes, returning with a green Sharpie. He drew "eyes" on the block of explosive, muttering about the SCP "getting what was coming to it" and punching the demolition charge. Dodridge then installed a wireless electronic detonator, left the chamber, donned a pair of sunglasses, and triggered the device. Upon regaining consciousness and extinguishing a small electrical fire, we noticed that SCP-723-D appeared moderately disoriented, and that what was apparently a weak section of the structure had collapsed. After confirming our sense of hearing was intact, testing continued.


Excerpt from Agent Lament's Personal Journal:

Oh shit… I laughed so hard I cried. He seriously nearly shot his eye out, then nearly blew himself up. This is the best assignment ever!


Date: 2011/06/09
Time: 09:35:00
Test Materials: SCP-117
Test Subjects: SCP-723-D
Observer: Agent Dodridge

Log of Events: So, he gets some peon to carry a sword in the stick in his hands. The dude just stands there and holds the sword. This is boring. Boring, boring, boring. Lament seems to think we can malnutrition him to death with this thing, but I don't think its working. Oh, for God's sake, we've been at this for three hours; I'm calling it. My turn again.


Portion of Conversation Overheard at On-Site Recreation Facility:

Lament: I seriously thought getting at him from the inside would work.

Dodridge: Well, it didn't! It didn't and it was boring!

Lament: Hey! I don't hear you coming up with anything brilliant! If you'd read the damn file, you'd know bullets wouldn't work!

Dodridge: Well, if you'd read the damn file, you'd know you were a douche bag!

Lament: Oh, it's ON!


Agents Dodridge and Lament were placed in the on-site brig for twelve hours following the incident, at which point, they insisted that they were "totally cool now. Don't worry about it." They later declared themselves "bros," and returned to the on-site recreation facility.


Date: 2011/06/10
Time: 14:26:00 CST
Test Materials: 1x GM M1114 UA HMMWV, Agent Dodridge (appended)
Test Subjects: SCP-723-D
Observer: Agent Lament

Log of Events: I was advised by Agent Dodridge to stand well clear of the testing chamber, and complied in the midst of lodging complaints as to the perceived efficacy of the impending termination attempt. After the notification, Dodridge proceeded to board the Humvee and accelerated to approximately 90 kph toward the target. It it unknown whether or not the resultant impact had any effect on the subject, due to the remnants of the testing area being partially obscured by a small vehicle fire, likely caused by a failure to drain the fuel tank prior to terminal impact. Dodridge was observed to stumble out of the vehicle, fall down, curse, and subsequently engage SCP-723-D in hand-to-hand combat. After attempting to strangle the target for approximately fifteen minutes, Dodridge screamed inarticulately, extinguished the smoldering wreckage, and left the chamber.


It is believed that, at this time, several days of work and frustration were beginning to wear on both Agents involved.


Excerpt from after-action review for disciplinary proceedings involving Agent Lament and Agent Dodridge - Personal statements of Security Officer Bernard ███████

After failing to neutralize SCP-723-D yet again, Agent Lament and Agent Dodridge proceeded to the on-site bar, where they demanded to be served. After accosting seven other patrons, I removed them from the premises and followed them to Agent Dodridge's room, where they left after several minutes, carrying what appeared to be a box of cigars and a duffel bag containing bottles of alcohol. Due to their inebriation, I escorted them back to the testing facility.


Date: 2011/06/10
Time: 17:58:00 CST
Test Materials: 1x Tippman X7 Paintball Marker, 200x Marballizer Paintballs (50x ea blue, orange, white, red)
Test Subjects: SCP-723-D
Observer: Agent Dodridge, Agent Lament (alternating)

Log of Events: I'm letting Lament go first, on account of the poor guy don't look like he gets to shoot stuff that often. It sorta shows. Damn. This guy can't shoot for shit. He's Halfway through a hopper with MAYBE half the balls on target. My turn. Barney, the security guy, doesn't know it, but he's getting shot, too, for saying this is stupid. HE'S stupid.

Log of Events: Oh. Oh that shit head thinks he's funny, huh? Well how funny is it now that we're both using the same paper! I can read what you wrote, shit head! Read this in your notes: go fuck yourself. Oh… and… he's shooting the guy. Guy looks like he's covered in paint. Whatever.


Security Officer Bernard ███████ later entered the site medical wing at 18:28 CST, complaining of genital pain and holding himself. His crotch was observed to be coated in red paint.


Date: 2011/06/10
Time: 19:29:00 CST
Test Materials: 1x 1000 mL bottle of Red Stag (empty), 18x 750 mL bottles of Keter-Class lager (empty)
Test Subjects: SCP-723-D
Observer: Agent Dodridge

Log of Events: Ha! We only missed with ONE bottle, and Lament took it and smacked him in the nuts with it. He passed out after that, but I think I have another idea. They've got a concrete mixer parked outside to fix the chamber, so I'm gonna try to put 723-D back in a block like the one they had him in before. If I can concrete him, I might be able to just drown him. In water. Not concrete.


An estimated seven attempts took place between 19:29:00 CST and the final test, none of which have records. Over fourteen SCPs were utilized, all without permission. SCP-███ and SCP-███ are still reported missing, while SCP-███ has been found in orbit. Further investigation is ongoing.


Date: 2011/06/10
Time: I have no idea. The clock is melted, my phone's missing, and Dodridge can't find his watch.
Test Materials: Cement Mixer
Test Subjects: SCP-723-D
Observer: Agent Lament

Log of Events: When I woke up, cement was everywhere, and Dodridge was trying to shovel it into a pile where the the new wall was supposed to go, and 723-D was walking around, covered in the stuff. Dodridge said something about drowning him, but he can't be serious. There's nowhere NEAR enough concrete to drown him in.


The following record is a attempt to reconstruct the events of the remainder of 2011/06/10 and 2011/06/11, the complete record of which is still absent. Both Agents claim to have no memory of the events, though this is under review.


Upon ingestion of two fifths of Jack Daniels whiskey, Agent Lament and Agent Dodridge entered the containment chamber of SCP-723-D and did willfully throw no fewer than eighteen empty bottles of various makes and models at SCP-723-D.

At some point, the decision was reached by Agent Lament and Agent Dodridge to engage in the ongoing attempts to decommission SCP-723-D. Agent Dodridge initially suggested moving SCP-723-D into the containment chamber of SCP-623, at which time, he was reminded by Agent Lament that SCP-623 was located at a different site.

In response, Agent Dodridge insisted that he knew how to operate a CH47-D Chinook transport helicopter. Agent Lament asked if he was “straight to fly,” upon which Agent Dodridge responded that “I’m straight, bro. I’m straight.”


Final Five Minutes of Flight, Extracted From Flight Recorder on ██/██/████:

“Dude. Nah, man. But really? I… I think that Rights woman? She is really nice, man. She is awesome. I could marry her.”

“Nah, man, I mean… She has that lamp thing, man. You know what she does to men with lamps?”

“Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. I think I meant Light.”

“Aww, hell, man. She’ll kill you for that. She’s deadly too, man. They’re killers, man. They kill people.”

“Are… Are all the women around here deadly?”

“Fuck, man, I don’t… Oh shit! That’s… That’s blinking!”

“What is that?”

“I don’t know, man! I don’t know!”

“Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!”

(Twisting metal and screaming audible in the background)


Agent Dodridge successfully crash landed the CH47-D Chinook in the middle of ████████, where they insisted to local authorities that they were Federal Marshals transporting a convicted felon. Upon producing identification, both were apprehended by members of the ██████ Police Department and taken to the ██████ County Jail and placed in the drunk tank.


Agent Dodridge and Agent Lament later reportedly set a series of shaped charges, created through an unknown method, on the door of the ██████ County Jail Drunk Tank and detonated them.

Current estimates place the injured from the explosion at ██, though Dodridge and Lament apparently escaped unscathed. The two later stole a mobile home and drove it back to the crash site. At this time, the damage to SCP-723-D’s containment cube was extensive, and Agent Dodridge suggested that it would be easier if they just “let him out so he could walk back, then they could put him back in concrete.” Agent Lament agreed.


Interview With Sgt. Jeremy Blevins:
Blevins: They both had the proper ID!

Dr. ██████: They were both completely drunk and escorting a humanoid SCP.

Blevins: But he was in the Class-D jumpsuit!

Dr. ██████: Are you trying to tell me that two agents and a Class-D wasn’t suspicious?

Blevins: People take out Class-D’s all the time! I… I guess this is the first time I’ve ever seen one come back, though…

Dr. ██████: (Audible Sigh).


Upon reentering Site-██, Agent Lament and Agent Dodridge reviewed the file and realized that they could throw bottles at SCP-723-D without problems. They then proceeded to hurl glass bottles at him, breaking most, until SCP-723-D requested that they stop.

At this point, SCP-723-D was instructed to “not sass me” by Agent Lament, resulting in SCP-723-D being repeatedly struck with a cricket bat, taken from the locker of Dr. Light. Dr. Light, discovering its absence, located Agent Lament and Agent Dodridge. Reclaiming it from them, she looked at SCP-723-D, noting that it was “Coming right for us!” before striking him soundly in the head, hitting him again and again until the force of the blows eventually caused him to lay on the ground, “taking it like a bitch.”

At this point, Agent Lament asked Dr. Light for her phone number. Agent Lament later reported that Doctor Light had claimed to be washing her hair that day. He assured the debriefing agent that his broken ribs were completely unrelated.

At this point, Agent Dodridge returned with several bottles of alcoholic beverages, procured from the locker of Dr. Locke, who had—Dodridge later insisted—“just left them laying there.”

At this time, Agent Lament and Agent Dodridge apparently decided that SCP-723-D “wasn’t such a bad guy,” and proceeded to share their beverages. Discovering that their supply had started to run out, they reclaimed their motor home and proceeded off-site back to ██████.


Interview With Cpl. Jeremy Blevins:

Blevins: Sir, I know this looks bad, but I can explain…

Dr. ██████: Corporal Blevins. Just… I don’t even… My God, man. How did you get this job?

Blevins: They both had the ID and everything!

Dr. ██████: I am… I am highly disappointed.

Blevins: They said they had to return the motor home!

Dr. ██████: (Audible Sigh).


Upon entering ██████, Agent Dodridge, Agent Lament, and SCP-723-D proceeded to “Jerry’s Bar and Grill,” where they ordered a round of drinks for the establishment and then proceeded to get “shit faced.”

Agent Dodridge apparently paid for the drinks by allowing patrons to hit SCP-723-D with various objects for a monetary sum. SCP-723-D, for his part, eagerly consumed several beverages.

At 0900 hours, Dr. Tamlin entered SCP-723-D’s containment chamber, noticed several shards of broken glass, and the open air hatch, and proceeded to contact the Motor Pool.


Mobile Task Force Delta-5 assigned to track down and recover SCP-723-D. Finding the mobile home outside “Jerry’s Bar and Grill,” they further investigated, and found both Agent Dodridge and Agent Lament unconscious in pools of their own bodily fluids.

SCP-723-D was at the bar, apparently dead due to a peanut allergy triggered by eating bar snacks.


Agent Lament promoted to "Containment Specialist, First Class" and Agent Dodridge’s pay increased two stages.

SCP-723-D: Decommissioned.

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