Region Name: Holy Reborn Empire of Pravoslavia

Demonym: Pravoslavian

Location: Corbenic, Eastern Border of Moloch's Folly

First Contact: January 12th, 289 AHW3 (Four days after the first ☽☽☽ expedition into Moloch's Folly)

Population: Unknown; most recent estimate: 9 Million

Dominant Species: Human

Dominant Language: Corbenese Post-Russian

Capital City: Novomuscovy

Head of State: The "Pentatsar", a council of five separate postmortem iterations of Ivan IV Vasilyevich¹

Government Type: Theocratic Feudal Absolute Oligarchy

Dominant Religion: Corbenese Post-Christian Orthodoxy

Patron Corbenese Deity: N/A

Unit of Currency: Pravoslavian Ruble

Exchange Rate with Three Moons Lunari: [unknown]

Military Thaumaturgy Index: [SPECIAL] [Prometheus] [Merlin] [Puck] [Hawthorne] [N/A]

Slavery Index: [EMERGENCY] [Sisyphus] [Jochebed] [Locke] [DuBois] [IDEAL]

Economic Equality Index: [EMERGENCY] [Anthill] [Hobbes] [Kropotkin] [Eden] [IDEAL]

Torture Index: [EMERGENCY] [Dózsa] [Golgotha] [Brutus] [Robespierre] [IDEAL]

Opinion of ☽☽☽ Index: [AT WAR] [Anathema] [Icy] [Wary] [Polite] [IDEAL]

Bigotry Index: [EMERGENCY] [Amalek] [Verden] [Wallace] [Cyrus] [IDEAL]

FROM THE DESK OF COMMANDANT JONATHAN LAZARO
SURVEILLANCE LIAISON FOR REGION-9440AF9 "PRAVOSLAVIA"
GLORY TO JALAKÅRA

ATTN: COLONEL MARIA DELL

RE: REQUEST FOR REASSIGNMENT

Colonel,

Aside from the many surveillance reports and translated documents I have enclosed, allow me to summarize Pravoslavia:

In nearly every multiversal iteration of Earth, the Russian Empire is dead. As with the vast majority of dead things, it ended up in Corbenic. For the Post-Orthodox faithful, Pravoslavia is regarded as the Heaven they were promised in life.

The Pentatsar no longer goes by Ivan, or any individual name. Five iterations of the same Tsar, Ivan IV, act as a single unit, and are never apart from one another for more than a few minutes at a time. (Whether this is purely symbolic, or an effect of some thaumaturgical hivemind to transcend his subjects, is unknown.) As such, the Post-Orthodox Church believes in a theological trinity — with Jesus Christ ruling Earth, the Pentatsar ruling Heaven, and God somewhere in-between. If that seems confusing, it's because it fucking is.

Of course, Ivan Grozny's reputation as a sadistic, autocratic torturer has been debated. Perhaps he was a decent man in life. But I'm not on the Perdition Committee, and my duty is to observe this world's Pentatsar — who is, in the most objective terms, a goddamn tyrant.

Five months of our detailed combing of Pravoslavia have revealed a nation under perpetual martial law. With death out of the picture, Corbenic's healing factor has made torture the most common — if not the only — punishment for criminals, at varying degrees of intensity. This has also eliminated the need for prisons; most commonly, petty offenses are given the "yabloko" — euphemism for an acidic boil — for a few years.

As for the amount of population under some form of torture — our current minimum estimate is 87%.

The worst part is that some offenses — among them, apostasy — carry the possibility of an infinite sentence. Every other street corner in Novomuscovy is decorated with NMMSers² hanging from rusty cages as a warning. Limbs fused together, parasitic scalp growths that feed off the brain, vital organs transmuted into lead and gold — this is where a Pravoslavian has the most artistic freedom.

Perhaps this is hypocrisy, knowing who I fight for. But even the Initiative's caustic oubliettes have a rehabilitation timeframe. Weaver's sake, Mussolini's currently stamping license plates, and Caligula's opening a sports bar this Fall. Remember President Niang's address last year: "Even if someone has to get ten million years behind bars, it should still be a finite number."

As for our fears about human trafficking, they have been all but confirmed. For evidence, we have translated many serf auction programs that should paint a very specific picture. They are enclosed. That our Seventh Division has been able to attend these auctions without breaching protocol, without blowing our cover to save these exploited civilians — well, it's taken a substantial toll on their resolve. I'm recommending the entire Seventh Division for psychiatric evaluation. (And maybe some old-world amnestics — they're all Foundation stock, so this shouldn't be anything new.)

All that, and I've neglected to mention the Oprichniki — Weaver damn them all.

What were once meant to be Ivan Grozny's secret police are now demons. Thaumaturgically-enhanced, bardiche-toting berserkers. Human, but just barely. Each one stands ten feet high, covered in matted beards, linens, and medals. Necklaces of wolves' heads — still gasping. Sunken eyes. They're the central presence of the law in Pravoslavia.

Even the slightest suspicion of indecency, and they're upon you — growling, snarling, slobbering on you with their meter-long tongues, lapping you up, hacking you to pieces, shoving what's left of you in their iron meat-carts… you only regenerate once you're in the defendant's box at the palace of justice.

…I'll have to direct you to Sgt. Jessup for more details about the Oprichniki. I wouldn't be the one to ask, as it took a few hours to write that last paragraph. It was from personal experience — just a week ago. I may very well need a psychiatric evaluation, myself — once I've dealt with all the yablokos the local Bishop placed on my forehead. One thing at a time.

Suggested courses of action:

- Pity's sake, reassign me to something boring.
- Stop monitoring Pravoslavia.
- Bomb them.
- Never stop bombing them.
- Construct an automatic re-bombing apparatus above Pravoslavia, designed to use the kinetic energy from a bombing to drop seventeen more bombs.
- Bomb that, too.
- Kill me.

Glory to JALAKÅRA,
Comdt. Jonathan Lazaro, ☽☽☽ HDC 139th Scout Brigade

ADDENDUM — Sgt. Gomez

If there's a silver lining here, the Church's repression of scientific progress has eliminated Pravoslavia as a military threat. Some of the local fauna have been trained to draw carriages, and that's the most advanced vehicle they have.

There are arcane services, of course, and they're monopolized by the Church — but all Church thaumaturgy is carried out through the milk of the shadeplodder (Homuncuformis umbra). Any Pataphysics R&D intern could tell you that shadeplodder milk has been obsolete for millennia.

If we were to actually "never stop bombing them", as my superior officer so eloquently put it, the war would be over in five minutes.

However, during my observation of the southern border regions, I've noticed a Class-G Strider colony in the neighboring mountains. They haven't dared to touch Pravoslavia, and all their human harvesting has been conducted outside the border. The local watchmen aren't concerned about Striders at all, and they're the subject of endless mockery in tavern-songs and the like. Some dirty jokes include the Witch-Queen herself — and no one has turned to stone!

Barbaric as he is, this Pentatsar may know something that could help us in the more long-term war against these beasts.

— Sgt. George Gomez, Research Officer, ☽☽☽ HDC 139th Scout Brigade

[relevant excerpt selected]

Dell: …we understand Commandant Lazaro was acting out of line. We will take disciplinary action once he returns to Luna Major. This is outside of your jurisdi—

Ipatiev: This man is a spy. He told you to fill Pravoslavia with bombs. This is not complicated.

Dell: Yes, he did tell us to bomb you — the part you're forgetting here is that I didn't listen. Commandant Lazaro holds less say in bombings than you seem to think he does. He has no authority, and commands only minimal respect. None of us on Luna Major can even stand to be in a room with him for more than five minutes.

[An iron cage next to the bishop stirs. A reddish-brown blob of festering flesh makes several unintelligible vocalizations, before raising what's left of Comdt. Lazaro's middle finger at the camera.]

Ipatiev: You wish to declare war on Pravoslavia, the fortress that will never fall?

Dell: That is the exact opposite of what I just said.

Ipatiev: Lying reprobate! Moons-witch! Lest you seal your fate, you would do well to know: we have recently developed a newer, deadlier type of cannon. When tested, it caused a wall of solid stone to collapse entirely, from a hundred whole meters away. And that's with half the blasting powder!

Dell: Yes, um, tremendous. But what would we even have to gain from attacking you?

Ipatiev: We have read your commandant's blasphemies. You look upon our way of life with disgust. You call us cruel — but if our positions were switched, would you be any different? Would you have built your moon-worlds, were it not for your spider-devil? Pravoslavia was built by man, and man alone. You live in constant decadence, complacency, and dependence — and claim to be righteous despite it. We are driven to virtue, and virtue alone, through the Pentatsar's ever-vigilant knout. And what is your reward? Endless bickering among yourselves, while Pravoslavia's faithful sons would gladly pounce on a wooden rod, and run themselves through groin to mouth, if it meant pleasing their lord. Your ilk could never know that kind of loyalty!

Dell: Oh, for— and how many times have you been impaled?

Ipatiev: Seven hundred! Some, for decades at a time, while colonies of worms were made to live and breed in my chest!

Dell: And you don't resent your Pentatsar even slightly for this?

[Approx. 15 seconds of silence as the bishop tries to form a response.]

Ipatiev: I… got better?

[relevant excerpt ends]

[relevant excerpt selected]

Gen. Janet Spiegel: …that was the Central Cabal. JALAKÅRA just greenlit any and all military action on Pravoslavia.

Dr. Zachary Cho: No kidding. What finally swayed Him over?

Spiegel: They're thinking it was either the persecution of Weaver Cultists in Novomuscovy, or a recently-published epic poem called "Zhalakarchka the Vacuous Spider Defecates on the Moon."

Archbishop Franz Melchett: Ten Lunari says it was the poem.

President Girard Niang: That's odd.

Melchett: Not if you've read the poem!

Niang: No, no, I mean, usually, the Cabal would tell me first. They went around to Janet.

Spiegel: With all due respect, Your Excellency — they're growing impatient. The Cabal wants to intervene in Pravoslavia. The polls want it. The HDC wants it. Now even JALAKÅRA wants it. I dare say, the only person in this room who wants peace with Pravoslavia is you — and you're the only one who can give the command.

[President Niang takes a deep breath, and holds his head in his hands.]

Niang: I just… I don't know. It feels like a violation of the principles that built Three Moons in the first place. Half the Earth iterations that died out, did so because some national superpower with nuclear weapons decided they were everyone else's police. We're trying to avoid those mistakes, not repeat them.

Spiegel: So, what, we just let the Pentatsar use his subjects as a pincushion for all eternity?

Niang: No, he needs to be stopped. I get that. It's just —

[A phone rings in the center of the conference table.]

Niang: I thought we had that silenced.

Cho: Ah! My apologies. It's from Bucephalus.

Niang: Seriously?! We talked about this, Dr. Cho.

Cho: I did, too! With him. He's great with psychic messaging, just not… social cues.

Melchett: Hang on a second, who's Bucephalus?

Cho: Um… R&D stuff. Not sure if you have the clearance for —

Niang: It's fine — long story short, he's our double agent in Bogal Mountain Prefecture. …doesn't this thing have a voicemail? Someone hang it up!

Spiegel: Wait-wait-wait — we don't have a double agent for Bogal Mountain. Those are Striders. A human can't "double agent" a giant monkey.

Cho: Well, it's all very, um, experimental, and we're still trying to work out the —

Melchett: Can we please move on?

Niang: What an excellent idea.

Spiegel: You hired a fucking Strider, didn't you.

Niang: Moving on! For Pravoslavia, I'd propose —

[The call goes to voicemail. From the resulting blast of arcane sound, the conference table slowly transmutes into granite.]

Bucephalus: Yes! Doctor Cho! Doctor Cho? It's me! Um. It said "after the beep." When was the beep?

Spiegel: I fucking knew it.

Bucephalus: Anyway! I was. Um. Being super sneaky over by. Um. That Parvoslavey place. Lotsa tough-looking human people were visiting, real grumpy, big beards. Saw some really really super weird goings-on—

Niang: Wait… put him on speaker! Now!

[Dr. Cho answers the phone.]

Cho: Hey, big guy! Nice to hear from you again!

Bucephalus: Doctor Choooo!!! Hi, Doctor Choooo!!! I love youuuu!!!

[The table is now entirely granite. The floor starts to petrify.]

Melchett: Cho! Shut him up before we're all Ellison'd!

Cho: Sneaky voice, Boose! Sneaky voice!

[The petrification stops. Bucephalus whispers.]

Bucephalus: Okay! Sneaky! Real sneaky!

Cho: Great job, A plus.

Bucephalus: So! Um. Some Beard Guys came by the colony. Fulla real bad Striders. Still follow the Queen. So sad, so sad. Beard Guys had some cage boxes with wheels. Buncha naked human people with lots of sad noises and face waters. Noisy! So interesting! Some taller Beard Guys were pulling the boxes. Strong, lotsa fur. Looked like tiny baby Striders. Wanted to pet em, call em baby Boose! But didn't. 'cos had to be sneaky. …tempting, though! Anyhoo! Beard guy in charge says a bunch of words at the Mighty Nüraegh Zøk Zøak Taüngnråm³, then gives 'em the boxes of naked people. Wow! Kinda wanted to try some, 'cos, you know, used to eat people all the time before, but now that people are more fun to talk to rather than —

Niang: Wait a minute.

Bucephalus: [prolonged gasp] You didn't tell me Mister President was here! Wow!

Niang: Um, yes, hello there — Bucephalus, why were they giving these wagon-loads of people to the Striders?

Bucephalus: Well! Very easy! You see: the Witch-Queen feels peckish sometimes, which means she wants to —

Niang: Yes, she's hungry, I get that. But is this a regular thing?

Bucephalus: Happens every Djåg⁴, or so the others tell me. That's how it's been for exactly lots of Djåg! High number!

Speigel: Hang on… that explains why the Striders won't attack them.

Melchett: Extortion?

Niang: And this arrangement — whose idea was it? Was it indeed extortion — or are the Pravoslavians providing our hated enemies with extra food in exchange for favors?

Bucephalus: …you are saying words! Yes! Quick, Doctor Cho, what are Mister President's words?

Cho: He's asking if this was a, "Hey, humans — give us naked people, and we won't eat you!" thing, or a "Hey, Striders — we'll give you as many naked people as you like, so you won't need to come and eat us!" thing.

Bucephalus: OHHH! Right, right! Yeah, the second one. Number two. Beard Guys kept bugging my people until they said yes. Not sneaky at all!

Niang: Holy shit.

Bucephalus: …that help?

Cho: Actually, you know what? That helped so much — how about you go swing by the R&D proving grounds, and tell 'em Dr. Cho said you can have a nice, tasty sperm whale? You earned it.

[Incoherent screams of joy from the phone, causing the table to fold inward upon itself in a singularity. Both the phone and table are destroyed, ending the call.]

Niang: Janet?

Spiegel: Your Excellency.

Niang: They're working with the Striders.

Spiegel: Glassblowers?

Niang: Double volley. Just to be sure.

[relevant excerpt ends]

[relevant excerpt selected]

Niang: …how about the Pravoslavia situation — any updates?

Spiegel: Approximately 82% of the affected Pravoslavians have fully regenerated. We expect to see total population recovery by next month.

Niang: And the Pentatsar?

Spiegel: One of the Ivans resisted apprehension. He snuck out of the dropship just before it took off. Ran away for a few meters, but just… stopped.

Melchett: Stopped running?

Spiegel: Fell down, and never got back up. Same with the other four.

Cho: We have them over in Pataphysics, and they're out cold. We're still working on ways to rouse them.

Melchett: I suppose that "hive mind" hypothesis had some weight to it, after all.

Spiegel: But aside from that, there's a problem. Out of all the regeneration, we have yet to see a single Oprichnik.

Melchett: They're big fellows; could be a slower go.

Spiegel: Seems likely.

Niang: …Cho.

Cho: Your Excellency?

Niang: Remind me: what areas did the Pan-Corbenese Mandatory Human Sterilization Act affect?

Cho: It affected… all the human settlements of Corbenic.

Niang: All of them?

Cho: Yes. Well, all the ones we had discovered.

Niang: And when did we discover Pravoslavia?

[Silence.]

Cho: Fuck.

Melchett: What? I mean, it's good, isn't it? We won't have to deal with —

Cho: Your Grace, when someone's born on Earth, where do they go when they die?

Melchett: Corbenic. Though, I'm not sure what this has to do with anything.

Cho: And when someone's born on Corbenic, and they die…

Melchett: …I see. Weaver help us all.

Spiegel: Hang on… you're not actually saying we just unleashed an army of ten-foot-tall, immortal, Russian Orthodox berserkers on Earth — are you?

Cho: I mean, putting it that way is kind of reductive, but…

[More silence.]

Niang: Fuck it. They're the Foundation's problem now.