Item #: SCP-042-J
Object Class: Euclid Neutralized Euclid
Special Containment Procedures: Due to the nature of the phenomenon, SCP-042-J cannot be contained, but an ongoing effort by Foundation field agents to destroy every pillow on Earth has been very effective useless in curbing the phenomenon.
Description: SCP-042-J is a visual spacetime anomaly observed in 100% of tested pillows, regardless of the method or time of construction. Test subjects with only one eye appear to be immune to its effects.
The anomaly occurs when a test subject lays their head on a pillow and closes one eye, then switches eyes. SCP-042-J appears to teleport the pillow to a slightly different location relative to the previously observed position. To an outside observer, the pillow does not appear to move at all, an obvious indication of psychic projection by the pillow something. A slight "crossing" of the eyes makes it apparent that the pillow exists in two points in spacetime simultaneously; how it does this is creepy as hell unknown.
4/24/1992: Now-deceased comedian George Carlin references the anomaly at a show at the Paramount Theater in New York. It is unknown how Carlin initially discovered the anomaly. A transcript follows:
Like when you have your head on a pillow… did you ever notice when you have your head on a pillow, if you close the bottom eye, the pillow is down there, then if you switch eyes, the pillow moves up there? "Whoa, holy shit Dave! Look at this! The mystery of the moving pillow…"
11/10/1992: Carlin's show from April 24th is released on HBO, titled Jammin' in New York. The anomaly instantly begins to manifest itself across the United States. Dr. █████ theorizes that Carlin is "a host spreading the parasite, or an alien or some shit."
11/11/1992: Mobile Task Force Pi-1 ("City Slickers") is deployed and Carlin is apprehended and brought to Site-28 for interrogation. Carlin was highly uncooperative and was released after autographing Dr. █████'s lab coat and receiving a Class-C amnesiac.
11/14/1992: SCP status assigned after Dr. █████ spent a full night observing the anomaly. Research on SCP-042-J begins in earnest.
11/15/1992: Seventeen (17) D-Class personnel were used as test subjects. All subjects confirmed that they saw the phenomenon, with the most common response being that SCP-042-J was "weird as shit."
11/17/1992: Dr. █████ resigns citing not having been able to sleep since the phenomenon was first detected. Dr. ███ takes over as project head.
11/18/1992: D-33023 is apparently immune to the effects of SCP-042-J, by way of having lost an eye while performing [REDACTED]. Further investigation using D-33023 is approved.
Ewwww, how did he even..? -Dr. ███
11/20/1992: It is decided by Dr. █████ that between the fact that all pillows seem to exhibit this anomaly and the sheer number of pillows on Earth, SCP-042-J has a high likelihood of being malicious, and a pre-emptive plan of attack is necessary. Requesting reclassification to Keter.
11/21/1992: Requesting parameter modification to Euclid-D to better protect the populace.
Approved. Destroy, destroy, destroy. God help us all. -O5-█
11/22/1992: Given the success of testing with D-33023, Mobile Task Force Kappa-7 ("Hammurabi's Lawyers") has been created with the assignment to remove an eye from every person on the planet.
I can't believe we didn't think of this sooner. -Dr. ███
11/23/1992: Dr. ███ has been demoted and MTF Kappa-7 disbanded.
Who the hell promoted this man? He's not even a real doctor. -O5-█
11/24/1992: Dr. ███████ replaces Dr. ███ effective immediately.
11/26/1992: It is determined that all pillows in the New York City metropolitan area have been affected by SCP-042-J. Mobile Task Force Kappa-8 ("No Sleep Till Brooklyn") has been created with the assignment of neutralizing every pillow in New York City.
Why did Dr. ███ want to cut out all the eyeballs? It's much cheaper and less painful to destroy all the pillows. - Dr. ███████
12/3/1992: Increased budget requested for MTF Kappa-8. Projections show it will take over 700 years to neutralize every pillow in New York at this rate.
3/7/1993: Due to the greatly increased budget and access to SCP-1543-J, neutralizing of New York City's pillows has been completed. Rioting subsided after the first few weeks of martial law. Dr. ███████ has met with Administrator █████ to discuss plans for North America and the world.
When in doubt, launch into the sun. -O5-█
3/16/1993: The SCP Foundation now stands for "Secure, Contain, Pillows." MTF Kappa-8 has merged with MTF Omega-7 ("Pandora's Box") to form Joint Task Force Zeta-1 ("No Rest for the Wicked"). Using SCP-076-2's unique abilities targeted towards pillows, we anticipate total elimination of pillows from Earth by 12/31/1997.
Secure. Contain. Pillows. –Administrator █████
7/29/1993: JTF Zeta-1 has successfully destroyed every pillow in North America. MTF Epsilon-21 ("Pillow Fighters") is formed to monitor the continent for pillow-like activity and neutralize any pro-pillow advocates.
Filthy pillow huggers. Request re-assignment to MTF Epsilon-21. –Able
5/16/1995: Success in Europe. No notable casualties except for the entire population of the country of Iceland, which was inadvertently set on fire from the air. Dr. ███████ has been placed on paid leave for one week as punishment.
Ironic, that. The punishment would've been longer but, you know. Björk. –O5-█
6/6/1996: The last pillow on Earth has been destroyed, well ahead of schedule. The role of JTF Zeta-1 has changed to monitoring/policing.
A victory for mankind. –Dr. ███████
6/9/1996: Junior Researcher █████ notices that SCP-042-J still exists on the bed itself, and in fact pillows are not and have never been central to the anomaly.