Item #: SCP-100000-J
Object Class: Keter Keterer Keterest
Special Containment Procedures: A single culture of SCP-100000-J is to be set in a petri dish in a hermetically sealed, lead-lined titanium1 sarcophagus filled with acid. The sarcophagus must be set in a hermetically sealed outer sarcophagus filled with no more and no less than 50 copies each of the following religious scriptures:
- The Bible
- The Quran
- The Torah
- The Tao Te Ching
- The Book of Mormon
- The Bhagavad Gita
- The Satanic Bible by Anton LaVey
- The Necronomicon
- The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins
The outer sarcophagus must, at all times, receive broadcasts from four loudspeakers of at least two members of the O5 council giving live monologues of how awful SCP-100000-J is and why it will never, ever escape, destroy humanity, or find true love.
This area must be sealed in a hermetically sealed outer-outer sarcophagus, which is then placed 5km underground, separated from the surface by 5km of solid concrete blended with the ground bones of saints.
Area-100000-J has been established as a 100km radius on the surface above SCP-100000-J. The fence on the perimeter of Area-100000-J is to be electrified, irradiated, and equipped with autoturrets with mounted .900-caliber railguns. The gate to Area-100000-J is to be guarded by one 500kg, 3m tall ogre equipped with one 300kg, 5m tall battle-axe. The ogre must be completely deaf, by surgical means if necessary. All personnel requesting entry to Area-100000-J must answer correctly the ogre's three impossible riddles, each of which are lethal auditory cognitohazards.
Any civilians, non-O5 Foundation personnel, animals, plants, or microbes that have entered Area-100000-J are to be subjected to termination protocol 30-Übertöten.
TP 30-Übertöten is to carried out as follows:
- Subject will be incinerated.
- Subject's ashes will be double-incinerated.
- Incinerator used on subject will be incinerated.
- Subject's ashes will be soaked in bleach for five hours.
- The bleach-ash solution will be subjected to 50 krads of gamma radiation.
- The irradiated bleach-ash solution will be locked in a hermetically-sealed capsule.
- The hermetically-sealed capsule will be encased in a block of solid concrete.
- The concrete block will be painted with the Latin version of the Lord's Prayer in lamb's blood and stored.
- Stored concrete blocks will be placed on a Foundation spacecraft twice monthly and launched into the center of the Sun.
- The Sun will be angrily flipped off four times monthly by all members of the O5 council.
Any containment breach of SCP-100000-J can only be counteracted by activation of all seven of the O5 council's instant supermassive black hole generators. This will result in an XK-class end-of-the-world scenario, but failure to do so will allow SCP-100000-J to cause an █K-class "Dance of a Thousand [DATA EXPUNGED]" scenario.
Any and all information about SCP-100000-J is restricted to level 4 personnel or above. As a result, the author of this page is to be termiwait what the fuck guys I thought HEY JESUS FUCK OFF WHAT
Description: SCP-100000-J is an indestructible, sentient, sapient, hostile bacterium2. Its diet consists of souls, dreams, emotions other than sadness and fear, and small children's imaginary friends. Cultivation of SCP-100000-J on substrates composed of finely ground shattered hopes and broken dreams was exceptionally successful.
It reproduces asexually and is capable of infecting a populated area of 50 square km every nanosecond. Infected organisms will die, rejuvenate, [DATA EXPUNGED], die again, then explode.
SCP-100000-J is capable of speech, but speaks a language entirely composed of lethal cognitohazards, with no equivalent phrase for "please," "thank you," or "I'm sorry." It has also made disparaging remarks about the Area-100000-J Site Director's mother, which caused the Site Director's mother to die, rejuvenate, [DATA EXPUNGED], die again, then explode.
Addendum 1 - 10/2/14: Implantation of 4,000 emergency nuclear warheads at Area-100000-J has been determined to be too frivolous and costly, and the application has been rejected by O5-11. However, implantation of 3,900 emergency nuclear warheads is gaining traction as a basic necessity, and is under careful consideration.