Item #: SCP-145-J
Object Class: Safe. It should be neutralized, but the Site Director's too goddamn cheap to buy a new one.
Special Containment Procedures: Due to "budget cuts", SCP-145-J is housed in Site-16's main staff kitchen, and is available for general use. It isn't recommended, though. A pair of oven-safe mitts have been provided to assist in SCP-145-J's operation.
Injuries sustained during SCP-145-J's use should be treated with aloe vera cream and a stern talking-to by Site-16 Lead RN █████ Clemens for thinking you could handle a hot plate with your bare hands, you brain-dead idiot. To date, SCP-145-J has resulted in 141 cases of first-degree burns, including 63 D-Class, 56 junior and senior researchers, 21 MTF agents, and one O-5. I call that one 0-5 now.
Description: SCP-145-J is an SHARP-brand 1000W/R-21LC commercial microwave whose use can cause one of several anomalous effects on what is placed inside of it:
- It doesn't heat anything.
- It burns everything.
- The edges get roasted but the center is still frozen.
- The whole damn thing is ice cold but the plate it's on is molten lava hot.
- Smoke. Lots of smoke.
- The tray doesn't spin.
- The tray alternates between spinning clockwise and counterclockwise it's supposed to do that, never mind.
At present, all requests to disassemble SCP-145-J in the hopes of finding the source of its anomaly are uniformly denied, because if it doesn't work afterwards, then we don't have anything, and that's worse than trying to work with this crap. Sometimes I want to bring in a hot meal and not go out to eat. Have you seen how expensive the places around town are now? Did we really need to have this facility near a major metropolitan area? Property taxes must be through the roof, that's probably the reasoning behind why we can't afford a replacement.
Attempts to heat food without a plate have been approved, but that's pretty unsanitary and it looks gross in there. During a yearly audit of security procedures at Site-16, including a review of old security footage, it was discovered Agent ██████ used SCP-145-J to heat up a Hot Pocket without putting a plate under it and it exploded. He didn't even clean up afterwards, he just left like he thought no one was watching. Grounds for disciplinary action, right? That's what I thought, too, but fuck, he's still here. We've incinerated D-Class for less, just because he has a Foundation star of brown-nosing or whatever he gets away with being stupid and lazy.
SCP-145-J has a secondary memetic effect that has, at time of writing, affected all staff in the vicinity. Morale among Foundation employees at Site-16 has shown a marked decrease in recent months, and confidence and faith in Foundation management is at an all-time low. What a fucking surprise. How the fuck can't we afford a new microwave? Don't we have a skip that makes gold? We shouldn't even have a concept of a budget, we're the Foundation for christ's sake; we spend billions of dollars for some overly-fancy storage locker with a bunch of dumbass redundancies so no one goes near a box that doesn't even have anything in it, by the way.
Addendum: Really? This article got through to the system? Who the fuck maintains our database, lobotomized monkeys? God, I swear, it's like no one else works here. I hate this place.