Item #: SCP-1622
Object Class: Euclid
Special Containment Procedures: At time of writing, 7 kg. of SCP-1622 is at Site-██ in a cold storage chamber which superficially resembles a sunlit wooden pantry. SCP-1622 is to be alone on its shelf; other shelves in the same chamber are to carry varying amounts of Pule, Gold Stilton, and Caciocavallo Podolico cheeses. On no account are the other cheeses to be removed from SCP-1622's chamber. Transportation to and from testing is to be carried out solely by D-class personnel, on a gilded platter of pure silver, with a dish cover of same. Testing itself is to take place in a specified chamber furnished to resemble any restaurant with three Michelin stars.
All Balaenoptera musculus migration routes are to be monitored for unusual activity. Any persons attempting to harvest milk from a Balaenoptera musculus are to be interrogated as to their purpose and administered Class-B amnestics.
Description: SCP-1622 is a semihard cheese made from the milk of the Balaenoptera musculus (commonly known as the blue whale). It is white, with a smooth, slightly grainy texture. Taste testing with D-Class has determined that it is universally palatable, complimenting and enhancing dishes of all major flavor profiles. All subjects tested have described SCP-1622's flavor as "delicious", "perfect", etc., but have been unable to precisely define the exact taste. Tests reveal no anomalies in the chemical makeup of SCP-1622, and it is currently believed that the process of making it is the source of its effects. Despite █ years in containment, SCP-1622 has not rotted.
SCP-1622's anomalous effects, aside from the taste itself, center around its storage, preparation, and consumption, and will not manifest when the total cost of preparing a meal containing or consisting of SCP-1622 is greater than US$97,250. This includes the average cost of ingredients, all furnishings in the environment in which it is served, the utensils used in preparation and consumption, and the average restaurant price of the dish that it has been used in.1 Subjects consuming SCP-1622 in this fashion demonstrate no unusual behaviors aside from a marked dislike of other cheeses. This is believed to be due to the superior flavor of SCP-1622, and is not considered anomalous.
SCP-1622's anomalous effects manifest when prepared for a cost lower than US$97,250. Upon initial consumption of SCP-1622, subjects will react as though they have been slapped firmly on the cheek with an open palm. Despite this, most subjects will continue to eat. After the initial slap, subjects will show significantly lowered intellect, decreased self-consciousness, impairment of linguistic skills, and an inability to understand social norms. The strength of this effect is inversely proportional to the total cost of preparation. The quantity consumed following initial slap does not cause the effect to increase in strength.
Addendum 1622-1: Recovery Log
On ██/██/████, several reports of extremely odd behavior among residents of several towns in the Northeastern United States came to the attention of the Foundation through a standard data sweep. Questioning revealed that all affected civilians had eaten at several restaurants in the area. Searches of the area yielded stores of SCP-1622 at all restaurants mentioned as well as three that had not been. The current cost limit of SCP-1622's effects was extrapolated from the purchase records of all civilians that had consumed SCP-1622 as well as the total cost of the restaurants' furnishings. The owners of the restaurants reported that they had received SCP-1622 as part of an experimental survey from █████ Foods Inc.2. Class-A amnestics were distributed and a cover story disseminated involving mercury poisoning.
He was acutely aware of how much narrative fuel he had to burn, and tried to keep his sentences as long as possible.