Item #: SCP-2130-J
Object Class: Eucilele Keytar
Special Containment Procedures: Foundation spambots are to send emails to all personnel on an hourly basis to remind them of SCP-2130-J's dangerous properties.
Public address systems will be commandeered for at least 180 minutes per week to play the "SCP-2130-J jingle". Pending a breakthrough by the Memetics team's PROJECT EARWORM, the Foundation has licensed the use of alternative lyrics to "Do You Know The Way To San Jose?"1.
Instances of SCP-2130-J are to be stored in a remote desert warehouse, preferably on the moon. Moon missions are to be funded by the selective use of other SCP-2130-J instances as props for Junior Researcher Kimmy's sold-out comedy tour.
Description: SCP-2130-J is a bunch of office furniture that was found lying around at various Foundation sites. In appearance, style, sound, smell, taste, aura, Hume readings, feng shui, function and ergonomic benefits, it precisely resembles ordinary everyday office equipment.
It's not though. It's actually really dangerous. One might even say… spoooooky. — Junior Researcher Kimmy
Kim, the last time you tried to convince us that the furniture was haunted, it's because you'd just stubbed your toe on a desk. Although watching you hop around was quite amusing. — Dr. "Free" Wheeler
Hey! It really hurt, you know. — Junior Researcher Kimmy
SCP-2130-J exhibits a range of cognitohazardous and antimemetic properties. Its primary effect is on the perception of the furniture by subjects in its proximity. Subjects regard SCP-2130-J instances (and any incidents involving them) as humorous in nature, regardless of the objective seriousness of the situation.
Descriptions of SCP-2130-J by test subjects have included:
- "uproariously entertaining, a great night out"
- "I could see what you were going for, but it didn't make me laugh, downvoted"
This primary effect has led to subjects forgetting the danger posed by SCP-2130-J, and attempting to use SCP-2130-J instances for comic purposes.
Yeah, remember when I held a D-Class roller-chair derby, and one of them crashed into you and fell off into a vat of SCP-682's acid? Classic! — Junior Researcher Plier
Classic? That was the most horrific thing I've ever been through. My back was sore for a week! — Junior Researcher Kimmy
Or that time my top shelf broke, and all my research folders landed on your head one after another. And then my potplant. And then my bowling ball. I got so many likes for that on /foundation/not-work/funny/videos - it was awesome. Maybe you should do comedy? — Junior Researcher Plier
Is everyone around here anomalously unsympathetic? — Junior Researcher Kimmy
SCP-2130-J's primary effect can be counteracted by a continuous course of Class-Y mnestics. However, as the side-effects of such treatment include remembering in vivid detail every fart you've ever smelled, uptake has been poor.
SCP-2130-J has a secondary property which affects any attempt to describe the anomaly. Any descriptions of SCP-2130-J, even by persons not subject to its primary effect, will be written in such a way as to be unintentionally comic, with ludicrously overcomplicated procedures and extraneous commentary which reads as if all researchers involved are 15 years old.
See!? That explains why I can never write this in clinical tone. It explains the containment procedures - it explains everything! They said I was mad - MAD! - but actually I was right all along. Ahaha - ahahahahaha - muahaha… wait, why am I writing all of this like I was saying it out loud? — Junior Researcher Kimmy
Kim, you were a lot more fun to be around when you were falling off that lab bench last week. If you're so obsessed with the damn office furniture, why don't you prepare a seminar and take it on the road to the other sites. Make sure you take a few samples with you. — Dr. "Hot" Wheeler
This is clearly going to end well. — Junior Researcher Kimmy
Addendum 1: Further research by Comedy Task Force Iota-Eta-Pi-2 ("Why Iota…") suggests that the effect of SCP-2130-J is viral in nature. Progression appears to occur in the following manner:
- Subject A is exposed to SCP-2130-J and becomes subject to its effects.
- Subject A begins to find other anomalies inherently humorous.
- Subject A amends the documentation for other anomalies to include over-complicated containment and unintentional comedy.
- Subject B reads amended documentation, forgets that the relevant anomalies are dangerous, and begins to treat them as comical, even if Subject B has not been exposed to SCP-2130-J.
The following SCP database entries have been identified as potential candidates for SCP-2130-J infection: SCP-2212, SCP-2845, SCP-076 and SCP-106. However the possibility exists that other anomalies have been declassified and mis-filed, after relevant SCP documentation was amended to sound humorous.
So leaving aside the question of how we tested this, that means basically anything filed in /foundation/not-work/funny/joke-scps could be a real anomaly that we're almost totally disre- oh. Oh, shit. — Junior Researcher Kimmy
Kim - what's the rush? Why are you running so - woah! Wow - hey guys, Kim just tripped over a printer cord and went head-first into a wastepaper basket. That's gonna leave a mark! Ahahahahaha! — Dr. "Stealer's" Wheeler