Item #: SCP-
Catastrophic abort at D09E2AD9: HANDLE_NOT_FOUND
Atypical software measures have been used to mitigate the risk of accidental exposure. It is only by an unfortunate coincidence of extremely low probability that you have stumbled across this entry at all. No disciplinary action will be necessary, provided you close this article now, and clear your browser cache.
Since creation, only the Special Containment Procedures section of this record has ever been editable. Due to the clearance of the file’s original author, and anomalous database limitations in effect, this record can neither be deleted nor effectively redacted. Access restrictions cannot be applied to the data in any reliable way.
Of course, access restrictions can still be enforced. It is now too late to close this article. Do not discuss the existence of this article with any person. Notify the Help Desk that your workstation has a DAMMERUNG contamination. Shut off your monitor, and seek immediate amnestic treatment.
The following conditions shall constitute a breach:
- Exposure to any part of the Description, however briefly
- Failure to close this article within eighteen seconds of exposure without code-word clearance
Shut off your monitor now, notify the Breach Desk that you and your workstation have DAMMERUNG contamination. Await MTF processing.
You are subject to summary termination by Trinitite-class memetic if you proceed past this point.
Editor’s note: I had to throw that killsprite together in a hurry. The one constructed and installed by my predecessor was clearly defective – instead of the donkey kick I expected from a standard inoculation interdiction, I barely registered minor eyestrain. Of course, under the circumstances I suppose we're limited, aren't we? To a contaminated workstation and barely adequate tools. Anyway, if you survived that memetic, hopefully it’s because you have code-word clearance, and not because I didn't get it right either - in that case you're probably boned pretty bad, and I apologize for not killing you in time.
But cut me some slack: when we looked them up ninety minutes ago, the only procedures for this code-word read “Randomly select one mainframe-qualified coder from the Experimental Containment Research Group with Level 3 clearance. Supply the designee with a Behemoth-class amnestic, and dispatch them to the affected terminal. They will find instructions there. If they fail to complete their task within two hours, or if, upon return, they can remember the year or name the current U.S. President – terminate.” Guess what? That's a pretty small subset of personnel to choose "randomly" from. Well, Spock smashes scissors, but Paper disproves Spock, so now in return for containment duty, I get to blow a sizable chunk of my life out of my skull. At least I won't have to remember them "processing" the looky-loo who caused this breach.
Assuming you're ECRG like me, you never heard of DAMMERUNG before today either. Here’s what I can tell you: from the look of the source code and comments, you're probably the fourth or fifth to respond to this thing since inception. I made a couple of minor edits to the documentation above, but mostly spent my time trying to slow the algorithm with the worst patterns I could think of. In the end, I was only able to deoptimize the existing recursion by a factor of two. Unfortunately, I don’t know enough about the underlying hardware or how often users follow unfamiliar links from the main list to guess how much difference that makes. I'm sure, on first implementation, they thought they had five, maybe ten years between breaches, but I know for a fact that they've introduced at least one quantum processor to the grid, which will deprecate this approach faster than you can say REDACTED. Hopefully you’ve got a better idea for a slower algo than I or the last three did. Maybe upgrade to a Quantum Bogosort of the article numbers? On this hardware, that might technically be an XK algorithm and therefore forbidden. I dunno. I’ve used up most of my time already, and I can’t risk another recompile in the few minutes remaining before I have to commit these changes and wash down this stick of dynamite with warm, backwashy Mountain Dew.
~ ~ ~
p.s. I guess I got to thinking my brain was hosed either way so what the hell and i don’t know why but i just went ahead and did it - couldn't help myself really - RESIST THE URGE - it’s clearly a Fridge-class cognitohazard and already it’s starting to sink in so this horse pill better work right quick
Ρωγερ, έχετε καταβληθεί τιμή, σοι μετατίθημι στον παράδεισο.