Item #: SCP-3333-J
Object Class: Safe (but grouchy in the mornings)
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-3333-J is to remain in the second-floor Site-19 break room, because it should really socialize more often. It is to be provided a terracotta plant pot (yes, even though all its friends have plastic pots, there's nothing wrong with terracotta) and watered thrice a week with bottled water (because tap water makes it even moodier). It is not to be allowed to overnight outside, no matter how much it thinks it doesn't need a jacket.
Note: SCP-3333-J apparently grows better when listening to songs by My Chemical Romance. It is allowed to do so as long as the volume is set to a reasonable level.
Description: SCP-3333-J is a juvenile potted plant. It is of the species Chlorophytum comosum, commonly known as the spider plant, but seems to show preference (accelerated growth) for being called the lesser-known name of “airplane plant”, as well as other names on occasion, such as sword fern, rogue’s gilliflower, damask violet, and black nightshade. Personnel are reminded to not be alarmed should SCP-3333-J show signs of apparent resentment (dropping leaves, growing mold, smelling strange) when not called these names. "Spider plant" is wholly accurate and sufficient, and SCP-3333-J will never become anything different by changing its name.
SCP-3333-J is not allowed to spend extended hours in the outside garden, no matter how much the darkly attractive evening primrose “gets” SCP-3333-J and its deep philosophies1.
SCP-3333-J has been known on occasions to wilt when exposed to its daily sunlight. Should this occur, it is to be gently but firmly explained that sunlight is a necessity, even if its tortured and misunderstood soul believes otherwise. Exhibiting careless phototropism is unacceptable. Furthermore, it knows it is responsible for helping reduce the air pollution of the room, and how can it do that without sunlight to keep it healthy and growing?
Addendum: SCP-3333-J is notoriously taciturn. It is noted that this behavior began when it first sprouted flowers. (See interview log)
Dr. ██████: Good morning, spider plant! You’re looking nice and leafy today. I see you grew flowers! Soon you’ll be ready to sprout cute little spiderettes. You’re growing up so fast.
Dr. ██████: Oh. Okay. You're just not going to say anything?
Dr. ██████: Well, if that's what you want… Wait. Is that fungus on the underside of your leaves?
SCP-3333-J: … [leaves rustle slightly as air conditioning picks up]
Dr. ██████: I thought I told you to be careful. Remember, if you get hooked on symbiotic root nodule bacteria and go making friends with the wrong crowd, you’re going to end up with root rot! I don't want that to happen!
Dr. ██████: Maybe I should have been suspicious when you suddenly started sprouting flowers everywhere. You need to take care of yourself, okay?
Dr. ██████: I can't buy special potting soil for you forever.
Note: The following day, SCP-3333-J was relocated to a corner of the break room furthest from the window. It later disappeared, and was rediscovered moping under the coffee table, having somehow tipped on its side and rolled along the ground. Personnel were advised to let the plant stay there and think about its actions.
Memo: Hey Rivs, I think you’re being a little harsh on the plant. Maybe someone else should take care of it. —M
Memo: No. That plant is growing up and needs to learn from its mistakes. I know what I'm doing. —R
Memo: It's just a plant. —M