SCP-3560-J
rating: +3+x
SCPTheDiscerningGentleman.jpg
SCP-3560-J: "No, no, NO! When will you imbeciles learn?! The milk goes in BEFORE the tea!"

Item #: SCP-3560-J

Object Class: Keter

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-3560-J is to be held in a standard humanoid containment cell with anti-reality bending suppressors a spacious room, decorated and outfitted in the style of a traditional English manor drawing room. A very fine, life-sized painting of SCP-3560-J holding a pipe and wearing hunting attire should be hung above the fireplace. SCP-3560-J is to be permitted a black labrador as a pet. SCP-3560-J is to be allowed long walks in the countryside and -

Update: Project Lead Doctor Simmons was caught in the middle of making alterations to the start of the Special Containment Procedures as seen above1. Doctor Simmons has been temporarily relieved of duty and is currently undergoing screening for memetic contamination by SCP-3560-J. An accurate Special Containment Procedures document will be published shortly.

Under no circumstances are the beverages tea, coffee or related drinks to enter within a 100-meter radius of SCP-3560-J, except during approved testing. On special request from Doctor Simmons, SCP-3560-J can be served English Breakfast tea with milk, made to exact specifications2.

Note from Doctor Simmons to all site staff - I realise everyone in Sector B hates this ban, and me by extension. I know the Foundation runs on caffeine… but until we can rule out exactly what's safe and what isn't, I'm not taking any chances. Just be thankful it's out of range of the cafeteria.

Description: SCP-3560-J, also known in urban myth as "The Discerning Gentleman", "The Tea Gentlemen", "T-Man" or "The Tea Nazi", is a humanoid entity with the appearance of a wealthy 19th century English "gentleman". SCP-3560-J speaks in an upper-class English accent and wears clothing and accouterments typical to English gentry of the 1880's period3.

SCP-3560-J was considered an urban legend until the Foundation was called in to investigate a string of bizarre murders across the USA, ultimately resulting in the discovery of SCP-3560-J and its eventual capture4.

Although sounding and appearing human, SCP-3560-J has a modus operandi with anomalous effects. People visited by SCP-3560-J (hereby referred to as "subjects") appear to be picked at random, however they all have one common circumstance. SCP-3560-J materializes close to a subject when the subject is making a cup of the beverage tea - typically of the English Breakfast variety, with milk. SCP-3560-J produces a mild memetic effect on the subject. After the subject's initial surprise they appear to accept SCP-3560-J's presence, treating 'him' like an irritating friend, or cantankerous older relative5.

After appearing, SCP-3560-J proceeds to critically evaluate the quality of the subject's tea-making process, according to SCP-3560-J's own - very specific - standards. SCP-3560-J typically begins with polite remarks and suggestions to improve the final product, but can become increasingly irate, and in some cases homicidal, should the subject not meet the high standards that SCP-3560-J demands.

These include examples such as precise tea to milk ratio, quantity of milk in teacup, length of time to steep tea leaves, the temperature of the tea, aesthetics of teacup, etc6. If the subject survives to the point of serving the tea, SCP-3560-J tastes it before delivering a final verdict; gives verbal advice or punishment as appropriate, and then de-materialises7.

Capture and Containment:
SCP-3560-J was eventually captured on [██-██-20██] by luring it into containment. 30 D-Class personnel were used to make tea in different methods known to anger SCP-3560-J. The procedure was also successful thanks to the assistance of Lord Blackwood and by abusing the appearance and abilities of SCP-26498.

Current Foundation technology installed at SCP-3560-J's containment chamber prevents SCP-3560-J from being able to de-materialise or leave the premises. SCP-3560-J's other anomalous abilities seem to be unaffected.

Since its capture, SCP-3560-J has exhibited unpredictable behaviour. At some times it is co-operative with researchers - seemingly resigned to its fate - and can be conversed with. At other times it is openly hostile, or displays symptoms of depression and becomes unresponsive. Placating SCP-3560-J with tea made to its exacting standards has proved an effective means of curbing its mood swings.

So far, experiments and interviews have revealed little about SCP-3560-J's origins, background or true nature, aside from its obsessive fixation with tea. A common topic of SCP-3560-J's conversations with staff are lamentations on how tea-making standards have dropped in the past century. SCP-3560-J refers to itself only as "a discerning gentleman".

"Let me ask you again, Doctor. In this wonderous age of technical wizardry and false idols, is it too much to ask that if one is to make a cup of tea, they do it right? It vexes me, I tell you. It…. vexes me. Where's the quality? The pride in a job well done? Pass the sugar please, there's a good chap."
SCP-3560-J

"He may be a psychotic bastard but I have to admit, he knows how to make a damned good cup of tea."
D-28905

Addenda

Interview Log - CLASSIFIED, REQUIRES LEVEL 4 SECURITY CLEARANCE
Extended Experiment Log - CLASSIFIED, REQUIRES LEVEL 4 SECURITY CLEARANCE

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