Item #: SCP-3V1L-J
Object Class: SAFE for fuck's sake
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-3V1L-J is to be kept in solitary confinement in a humanoid containment cell. No further communication is to be made between SCP-3V1L-J and staff. All staff are advised that, despite any and all claims made by SCP-3V1L-J, no further containment procedures will be necessary.
Description: SCP-3V1L-J, formerly Arthur Schnittflieger of Kenosha, WI, is a 32-year-old human male involved in a string of criminal activities carried out through the use of anomalous means. It possesses the superhuman ability to, to an extent, convince other people that it has a brilliant and complicated agenda that cannot be stopped under any circumstances.
On 12/20/12, SCP-3V1L-J phoned in a threat to the Foundation that it was going to create a wormhole to "another dimension full of spiders and fire and stuff" inside the Mall of America. Agents were mobilized to the location and found no wormhole, after which SCP-3V1L-J contacted the Foundation again with another threat - that the previous plan with the wormhole was merely a distraction from a ZK-class reality failure event it was about to cause. No evidence was found of any such event being within SCP-3V1L-J's capabilities.
This pattern continued for some time, resulting in a total of 0 casualties, 0 "lifted veil" events, and approximately 12 billion dollars lost by the Foundation in wasted response efforts. Primary containment of SCP-3V1L-J was established on 10/14/14, after a ten-hour standoff at Site-155 over a nonexistent "heavily-armed badger machine."
Dr. Henderson: Good evening.
SCP-3V1L-J: Is it really a good evening? Is any evening good when your life is as twisted as mine, when you look deep into the depths of your mind and find only screaming clowns stabbing each other in the hearts over and over again forever, and you can only laugh in misery?
Dr. Henderson: Noted.
SCP-3V1L-J: Of course you'd say "noted." I anticipated it! I can read you like a Wal-Mart receipt, Dr. Jackson.
Dr. Henderson: That's Henderson.
SCP-3V1L-J: Of course it is. You don't think I knew that already?
Dr. Henderson: No, since you just called me Dr. Jackson.
SCP-3V1L-J: It was all a ruse! You're so naive, thinking I'd ever tell the truth to a moralizing freak like yourself. Where you see good and bad, I only see madness! MADNESS! I can see things you could never dream of, like the flesh-eating reptile that's behind you right now!
Dr. Henderson: There is nothing behind me.
SCP-3V1L-J: OR IS THERE?
Dr. Henderson: No, there really is nothing behind me.
SCP-3V1L-J: So quick to judge. You haven't even looked!
[Dr. Henderson looks behind himself.]
SCP-3V1L-J: It was all a ruse! Again! You only pretend you can control my inhuman brilliance to make yourselves feel safer. I could destroy the entire Foundation with one spoken word, mortal!
Dr. Henderson: And what word is that?
Dr. Henderson: You've already said that word a few times by now.
SCP-3V1L-J: Then you're even more doomed than you can imagine! I've been picking you weaklings apart piece by piece for all my life, and my sheer genius has doomed you all.
Dr. Henderson: This interrogation is going nowhere.
SCP-3V1L-J: Aha! I knew you'd say that.
[Dr. Henderson attempts to leave the interrogation room.]
SCP-3V1L-J: FOOL! I've laced the doorknob with psychomemetic übertoxin. You've sealed your fate.
Dr. Henderson: Then why am I not dead?!
SCP-3V1L-J: Sounds like someone's in denial.
Dr. Henderson: Sounds like someone's going to get doused in battery acid if they don't learn how to shut their goddamned mouth for more than ten seconds.
SCP-3V1L-J: I knew you'd say that too! God I'm so smart.
[Dr. Henderson attempts to strangle SCP-3V1L-J. Dr. Henderson is promptly sedated by security officers, who punt SCP-3V1L-J in the groin a few times for good measure.]