Item #: SCP-4263-J
Object Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: All instances of SCP-4263-J are stored at Site-██. Mobile Task Force Eta-29(Retro-Fitters) has been formed to search all gag shops, party stores, and craft stores for uncontained instances of SCP-4263-J and SCP-4263-1-J. All SCP-4263-1-J instances are to be stored in Researcher Ryan's quarters.1
Description: SCP-4263-J are crude plastic representations of eyes, with abnormally large black pupils that move freely behind a transparent plastic shield. 78% of people exposed to this movement describe it as "disturbing," "annoying," or "creepy." On most, the back is covered by an adhesive gum.
When two instances of SCP-4263-J are attached to an inanimate object (hereafter referred to as SCP-4263-1-J), roughly 90% of subjects have perceived said object as a sentient, and in some cases, sapient, creature. Regardless of the perceived disposition of the SCP-4263-1-J instance, many subjects will express a fascination with it, of varying strength, and attempt to ingratiate themselves with it. Those more severely affected by this interest will devote large amounts of time to both collecting and creating more SCP-4263-1-J instances. When questioned, subjects will insist that the creation of SCP-4263-1-J is an art form comparable to the Mona Lisa, The Thinker, etc. After several years of extensive testing, this hypothesis has been proven to be in error.
Addendum 01: Notable Test Logs
SCP-4263-J-1: A clock.
Results: Pupils of SCP-4263-J oscillated in time with the ticking of the clock. Overall effect described as "hypnotic."
SCP-4263-J-1: A sock.
Results: Unlike most instances of SCP-4263-1-J, result required manipulation by a human hand to manifest effect. Subject was compelled to relay the apparent thoughts of the instance in a high-pitched, cheerful voice. See Interview Log 4263-01.
SCP-4263-J-1: A rock.
Results: Subject behaved as though SCP-4263-1-J was a domesticated animal of some sort. Demonstrated positive emotional growth after being allowed to "take care" of it for several weeks.
Notes: Massive containment breach instigated by affected researcher. Mitigation was partially successful following the 1970's. Recontainment efforts are ongoing. All records of 1970-1979 are stricken from official Foundation records out of shame.
Interview Log 4263-01
In the interval between manifestation and the interview, researchers had provided SCP-4263-J, hosted by D-4263-7, with a blonde wig and lipstick. Resultant entity identified as "Miss Agatha Williamson Chesterfield," and was considered by most subjects who viewed her to be "a total knockout."
Researcher Ryan: Hello, Miss Chesterfield.
SCP-4263-1-J: Oh, please, doctor! There's no need to be so formal! Call me Agatha! Or Aggie!
(Note that Researcher Ryan appears slightly flustered.)
Researcher Ryan: Ahem, all right… Aggie. Would you mind telling me your goals?
SCP-4263-1-J: (giggles) You're rather direct, aren't you, Mitchell?
Researcher Ryan: How did you know my-
SCP-4263-1-J: Oh, a lady never says.
Researcher Ryan: Ahahah… of course not… (15 seconds pass) Do you know, Aggie, damnedest thing, but I can't quite remember what we brought you in here for.
SCP-4263-1-J: Oh it's quite all right, Mitchell. The service so far has been superb.
(At this point, Researcher Ryan appears to be sweating)
Researcher Ryan: Well, if there's anything we can do for you..
SCP-4263-1-J: Actually, there is. My friend here, you know him as D-4263-7, was wondering if he could go out to get a bite to eat. He's bashful, you see, around someone as handsome as you, so he asked me to ask for him.
Researcher Ryan: Oh, b-but that's not possible! The rules clearly state-
SCP-4263-1-J: Please? For me?
(SCP-4263-1-J leans in and kisses Researcher Ryan on the lips for 30 seconds.)
Researcher Ryan: Yowsa!
Following this, Researcher Ryan assisted SCP-4263-1-J and D-4263-7 in their escape, appearing to be slightly dazed while doing so. The two are still at large and have filed down as Persons of Interest codename: Bonnie and Clyde."
Addendum 02: Incident 4263-J-Omega
On ██/██/████, two instances of SCP-4263-J were attached to a D-class posterior. Resulting SCP-4263-J-1 instance was declared a Keter-Class entity. Despite this, no effort was made to contain it, with several researchers instead electing to create posters and other artwork depicting SCP-4263-J-1 and perpetuating a slogan which appeared to evolve by memetic consensus: "Can't contain this Keter ass." As of ██/██/████, Keter Ass has been successfully contained in a pair of sweatpants, rendering the slogan false.
Too soon, Fred reached the end of the author's pages, so he stood staring at a googly ass, waiting for someone to notice his presence and keep the story going on their pages.