Item #: SCP-5150-J
Outrage Class: Unacceptable.
Steps for Crisis Prevention: SCP-5150-J needs to be stopped. It needs. To be stopped.
If you see your kids talking about it, start screaming. Don't stop screaming until they promise to never bring it up again. I'm serious.
At this point, it's probably for the better that we just don't let anyone outside until we know SCP-5150-J has been eradicated. Eradicate it. Stop reading this right now and eradicate SCP-5150-J. I don't care how much pepper spray you use, it needs to be stopped. I'm not kidding, Linda.
Description: SCP-5150-J is a truly horrible thing that the Society for Concerned Parents heard about from an Amazon review. It's a product that people are claiming is "just a straw", but look at the picture. Look at it. Straws don't do that. What happens if you if you drink something with it, and your drink has to go through a bunch of unnecessary circles? The answer: sexual promiscuity and autism.
And now kids are getting SCP-5150-J, and using them to drink. This is serious. Every kid in the inner city projects has one now. Every. Kid. Ev. Ery. Kid. What are they doing with all these straws? We have to ask these painful questions in order to keep the conversation going. Please take this seriously right now.
One can only imagine the true story: our kids are calling it "Suck" because they say that's what you do with a straw, but I think we know what it really means. They're using the different colors of straws to mean different kinds of sexual favors, and having horrible "Suck Parties" where everyone comes out pregnant and with bad grades, autism, and incurable face rashes. How do we know that this isn't what's happening? We can't take that chance.
Just yesterday I saw some perfectly nice boy outside the Wendy's the other day drinking a soda pop with one of those. I took a good, long look at him. And you know what? No, shut up, Linda, my nerves are bad enough as is. Anyway - the boy, he has autism now. I mean it. I saw the look in his eyes, that dead, sinking feeling underneath them.
Then he looked at me and said (and I remember his words verbatim) "Are you okay? You've been sitting in your car staring at me for the past seven minutes." Those are the words of a boy who can't read social cues. Go find that boy, tell me I'm wrong. Because I'm not.Test Log of SCP-5150-J:
|Test Subject||Before Exposure||After Exposure|
|One orangutan at the zoo||For all intents and purposes, a normal primate.||The subject picked up the straw and threw it. No social skills. Probably got a teenager pregnant.|
|Mr. Hoskins's daughter||For all intents and purposes, a normal 7-year-old caucasian girl.||Used it to drink Pepsi. It wasn't Diet Pepsi. I'm sorry, but I don't have the heart to tell Mr. Hoskins that his daughter's going to die of diabetic shock.|
|One copy of the Bible, King James Version||For all intents and purposes, a normal edition of the Good Book.||The Bible now has a horrible straw sitting on top of it. Someone hold me.|
Addendum: I'm not wrong. For God's sake, Linda, I've home-birthed raised two healthy, successful boys on kombucha and Tae Bo classes, and if you have the audacity to imply that I'm wrong, and that you're somehow a better mother than I am, I swear to God I will slash your tires. You get one warning on this. It's not my fault that you can't afford botox.