Item #: SCP-5972-J
Object Class: Fucking Keter, Jesus Christ
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-5972-J is to be kept in Containment Locker 5972-J. Access to this locker is to be barred to all male personnel, even if they're drunk and their buddies bet them they couldn't get in.
Description: SCP-5972-J is a standard vacuum cleaner produced by The Kirby Company. SCP-5972-J appears to be a sentient predator. Males viewing SCP-5972-J will feel a sudden compulsion to stick their genitalia into the vacuum tube. SCP-5972-J will then activate at maximum power and… yeah… fuck…
SCP-5972-J has a secondary memetic effect. Males reading about its effects will feel extremely uncomfortable. This is followed by a contraction of the thigh muscles until the legs fully cover the genitalia, and a series of sharp inhalations.
Addendum 5972-J: Interview Log 5972-J
Interviewed: D-5748, a 25-year-old male
Interviewer: Dr. Valen
Foreword: Testing of the secondary effects of SCP-5972-J
Dr. Valen: I'm going to tell you what this thing does, and we're just going to gauge your reaction, alright?
Dr. Valen: So it's this vacuum cleaner, right? And when you see it, you want to put your dick in it.
D-5748: That's fucked up, man.
Dr. Valen: I know, crazy shit. Anyways, you put your dick in it, and it turns on.
D-5748: (Turning visibly white, legs turning inwards) Oh shit…
Dr. Valen: And then it just sucks your dick right off.
D-5748: (Nose flared in disgust. Leans back and snaps fingers) Whoa shit!
Dr. Valen: It sucks up the nuts too.
D-5748: (Winces and covers his eyes) Oh god, man. What the fuck?!
Dr. Valen: It's fucked up man. Like, seriously. Shit.
D-5748: I've seen a lot of crazy shit here, but man, fuck this.
Dr. Valen: I need to go out for some air. Want a drink?
D-5748: I need a fucking 6-pack.
Closing Statement: D-5748 was glad to face his month-end termination, stating, "At least they didn't put my dick in that fucked-up vacuum."