Item #: SCP-666½-J
Object Class: Sweet mother of mercy is it ever Keter
Special Containment Procedures: A minimum of seven (7) on-site staff members of Abrahamic faith must be present in SCP-666½-J's containment chamber at all times. SCP-666½-J must not come into contact with any living organism without the written permission of a Level-4 staff member. Weaponization and use of SCP-666½-J in containment/neutralization of Keter-Class SCP items is under review by the O5 Council.
Description: SCP-666½-J is a crab-stuffed mushroom entrée produced by the internal Foundation catering service Containment Cuisine for the 45th annual Site-19 Foundation Formal. Roughly 42% of the 1,500 attendees consumed SCP-666½-J and were subsequently affected by its anomalous properties. SCP-666½-J's effects started to become apparent approximately one hour after the conclusion of the main course, at which time event goers began to complain of slight abdominal pain. By the second hour, many attendees were complaining of significant digestive distress and all restrooms in the immediate vicinity were filled to capacity with extended queues. By the third hour, medical, investigative, and plumbing personnel were being flown in from surrounding sites to aid in relief efforts.
Those who have consumed SCP-666½-J say that it has an odd, salty tinge to it, likely caused by an experimental salt substitute used in its creation. It has been theorized that this substance is the root cause of SCP-666½-J's anomalous properties, although food poisoning as a result of poor hygiene amongst culinary personnel has also been considered. All staff members affiliated with Containment Cuisine have been put into custody for interrogation purposes as well as the individuals' own wellbeing.
When consumed by a human subject, SCP-666½-J triggers five stages of localized K-Class scenarios within the subject's digestive system.
In its initial stage, SCP-666½-J causes a brief period of mild nausea followed by a sudden and urgent need to relieve oneself. However, the instant before the crucial moment of blessed release, SCP-666½-J triggers a DK-Class Dominance shift, seizing control over the subject's nether regions and causing a massive shutdown of all the subject's bodily exits. The deep, carnal desire for release increases to the point that it becomes downright crippling. Subjects often experience shortness of breath, extreme jaw pain from the clenching of teeth, and mild bruising on hands from putting the rim of the toilet bowl in a death grip.
After 15-20 minutes of the subject's intestines experiencing a level of containment rivaling that of SCP-106 (and involving substantially more screaming), the subject will experience a brief RK-Class Rapture Scenario, feeling a relaxation of the lower muscles, a wave of elation, and a fleeting hope that the worst has passed.
Following this, the gates of Hell open up within the subject's intestines as Satan himself violates the subject's scrotum with a pickaxe. A sudden SK-Class Scorched Earth Scenario completely razes the interior lining of the afflicted's digestive tract as unholy murderflame rages throughout in a demonic vortex with a temperature of roughly HOLY-CRAP-ON-A-CUPCAKE degrees Kelvin. Every happy memory, every recollection of peace, joy, or anything other than sheer teeth-shattering agony is volcanically obliterated in a gastrointestinal supernova of biblical proportions. Subjects may experience blackouts or periods of lost time during this phase, their state of being reduced to a tear-blurred haze of torrential sweat, agonized wails, and desperate gasps for air.
This continues for the next two to three hours. It is common for subjects to briefly hallucinate during this stage, creating comforting mental scenarios in which they are violently murdered by various Keter-Class SCP entities.
Any last vestiges of hope are crushed into tiny nubbins as subjects undergo a CK-Class Total Containment Failure, finally expelling the contents of their bowels in a magnificent riptide that could best be compared to a single, large leak in the Hoover dam: an unfathomably vast expanse of liquid ejected at a rate fast enough to be upsetting, but not fast enough to be merciful. Subjects have described the experience as the digestive equivalent of one's life flashing before their eyes, with every meal eaten during an individual's lifetime excruciatingly funneled out in reverse chronological order.
The downright baffling amounts of waste produced by the afflicted has led researchers to conclude that subjects' intestinal tracts are imbued with extradimensional or ectroentropic properties during this time. The ejected waste does not resemble good, wholesome fecal matter in the slightest. Rather, it is a roastawful terrorslush that is probably corrosive and almost definitely radioactive. The expulsion stage is usually fairly brief, but an anomalous temporal field created by SCP-666½-J causes subjects to perceive the experience as lasting roughly six lifetimes.
As the subject's ability to endure the emotional and physical trauma of the end-of-days inferno raging within their tenderest parts inevitably fails, SCP-666½-J will enter its final stage: a UK-Class Universal Collapse scenario, in which the subject experiences one final crescendo of gastric ragnarok followed by a blessed, merciful state of unconsciousness. Subjects will awaken one to two hours later with full memory of their experience; however, a number of afflicted individuals have reported finding themselves moved from one location to another during the period of time between passing out and regaining consciousness. One researcher testified to having found himself in a nearby field, clean and fully dressed, and laying atop of pile of 1986 Time magazines with no memory of how he arrived there.
Subjects who undergo SCP-666½-J's effects often bear psychological trauma as a result of the event as well as residual intestinal discomfort for the following fortnight.
Investigations are ongoing. Group of Interest involvement is being considered.
"Having experienced both childbirth and the effects of SCP-666½-J, I can safely say that I would choose the former any day of the week. SCP-666½-J is like having three babies at once, except they're all on fire. Also, they're covered in thumbtacks and trying to eat you from the inside out, all while the midwife is beating you senseless with a crowbar and screaming in your ear to push." – Dr. Rights
"I ordered the beef entrée and therefore cannot give any firsthand account of SCP-666½-J's effects. However, I can say with certainty that I've seen Keter-Class containment breaches cause less pandemonium and widespread demoralization. It was, without a doubt, the second darkest night Site-19 has seen."1 – Dr. Gears
"This is my third body since the incident and I still don't feel like it's worked its way out of my system yet. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go try for a fourth." - Dr. Bright
"It's been three weeks and I still can't stand up straight. I have stared death in the face, and he is garnished with parsley." – Dr. Kondraki
Incident Log: On 04/26/2007, a small quantity of SCP-666½-J was fed to an as-of-then harmless Euclid-Class SCP object by researchers. The object has since shown extreme hostility toward anything resembling human life. Additionally, a mysterious substance of unknown origin manifesting on the floor of the SCP's containment chamber has created the need for routine cleaning. Cross exposure of SCP-666½-J in any situation other than attempted neutralization has since been prohibited.
Addendum: Despite objections by the Ethics Committee, a meal of SCP-666½-J was fed to SCP-682. At the apex of SCP-666½-J's wrath, SCP-682 threw its hands in the air, screamed "Yog Sothoth take me now!" and willingly left this mortal coil. Neutralization deemed successful.
"Jesus wept." – Dr. Clef