Item #: SCP-7143-J
Object Class: Safe Sensual
Special Containment Procedures: Site-19 staff are reminded that attempts to seduce, coerce, or otherwise solicit SCP-7143-J in any way will result in disciplinary measures. SCP-7143-J is not to be bought dinner, or tickets to a movie, or offered rides home in the rain. Under no circumstances should SCP-7143-J be invited back to your place for "drinks and a chance to really talk". All staff are reminded that SCP-7143-J is wholly uninterested in your advances.
Additionally, any personnel interacting with SCP-7143-J in a restricted fashion will be required to attend a mandatory harassment sensitivity seminar.
Description: SCP-7143-J is a remarkably good-looking metal doorknob affixed to a door in the third floor of the staff dormitory. Currently it is unknown if SCP-7143-J exhibits any anomalous properties, though it has been determined that SCP-7143-J is a stone cold fox. SCP-7143-J has also been described as being a "hot momma", "hunka-hunka burnin' love", a "fine piece of ass", and "easy on the eyes".
It is unconfirmed as to whether SCP-7143-J is single or not, but SCP-7143-J has been confirmed for being a total flirt, and if they've got a ring they're definitely not wearing it. It is rumored that Dr. Torvald and SCP-7143-J had a thing going on in the summer of 2011, but have since split up, citing "irreconcilable differences".
SCP-7143-J is notoriously scandalous, and has been the cause of no fewer than 73 recorded instances of breakups between members of Foundation staff thus far. The number of personnel cited for inappropriate contact with SCP-7143-J is 34 as of May 2015, and the number of personnel cited for indecent communication with SCP-7143-J, even in passing, is well over 300.
Addendum 7143-J.1: Testing Logs
Note: A number of tests were run shortly after the discovery of SCP-7143-J, to determine if SCP-7143-J exhibited any anomalous behaviour. The results of these tests were inconclusive, but it was unanimously decided not to attempt any further tests, as it might hurt all of our chances in the long run, you know.
Test Log 7143-J 1
Test: SCP-7143-J given an RSVP to Dr. Dorian's birthday party.
Result: SCP-7143-J did not RSVP.
Notes: Goddammit, I was really hoping they'd come to my party. I bet like hell they'll go to Dr. Smith's party, that suave bastard. -Dr. Dorian
Test Log 7143-J 4:
Test: SCP-7143-J asked to pose for a picture with Agent Jameson.
Result: SCP-7143-J posed for picture. Noted as looking damn good.
Notes: This is great. Once I send this to my ex-boyfriend Agent Fields, he'll really see that I don't need his punk ass anymore. -Agent Jameson
Test Log 7143-J 15:
Test: [DATA EXPUNGED]
Result: [DATA EXPUNGED]
Notes: Christ, I thought we were past this already. No fighting for SCP-7143-J's honor, no matter how much you think it'll win their affection. Guess we need to have another fucking seminar, don't we? -Dr. Clef
Addendum 7143.2: Personnel Personal Testimony
Note: The following testimony was gathered during an anonymous survey to ascertain the overall staff opinion of SCP-7143-J. Certain portions have been expunged for the sake of decency. Names have been included to further shame those who might have illicit thoughts about the beautiful and graceful SCP-7143-J.
Agent Romerville: Yeah they're pretty sweet. I see him sometimes winking at me down the hall. Think they're tryin' to get at me.
Dr. Cornwall: You mean SCP-7143-J? Yeah, I call her Stacy. I know she wants me. She plays pretty hard to get, but she glistens a little differently for me, you know?
Dr. Hughes: Oh yeah, I'd really ███████████ ████ ███████ █████████ and then take one of those █████ ███████ ███ █████ from the pyrotechnics lab and just ██████ ███████ ███ ██████ ███ ██████ then let him ██████████████████████████ ██████████████████████████ ████████████.
Note: Data expunged, holy shit. What the fuck is wrong with you people? -Dr. Clef
Researcher Axwell: I invited him out for drinks last week. Kind of gave me the cold shoulder, but he's pretty far out of my league anyway. Pretty dreamy though, don't you think?
Dr. Lee: I've been working on my pickup lines, here, listen! "Hey baby, why don't you and me go turn in for the night?" Get it? Turn in? Because… turning? Guys?
Researcher Chambers: I would fuck the shit out of that doorknob.