Item #: SCP-729-J
Object Class: Keter Thaumiel (Guys, you're hurting his feelings! He's just trying to help!)
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-729-J currently resides in Dr. Niles Hessen's office on her desk. Where, pray to god, it will stay. Request testing at your own risk. It breaches containment at an alarming frequency, but even MTF Nu-7 ("Hammer Down") refused to go near the fucking thing, so it does whatever the hell it wants. We are all at its mercy. Dr. Hessen has been commanded to turn in SCP-729-J for it to be properly contained…as soon as someone can get up the courage to write her an email.
Description: SCP-729-J is SUPPOSED to be a toy, but I want to know who the sick fuck was that wanted to give this thing to children. The label SAYS it's made of polyester fiber, but we all know it's made of the devil's couch stuffing. Or something.
Its reign of terror began during a containment breach of SCP-106. SCP-106 had managed to trap Dr. Hessen in her office and had successfully corroded a hole in the door when it caught sight of that goddamn thing SCP-729-J. SCP-106 stopped moving completely and began staring at SCP-729-J, showing no interest in Dr. Hessen. SCP-106 then began moving backwards out of Dr. Hessen's office, never breaking visual contact with that eldritch horror SCP-729-J, until it reached the end of the hall and promptly rematerialized back in its containment cell. It should be noted that SCP-106's middle fingers were raised for the entirety of the encounter with SCP-729-J. SCP-106's reaction is, frankly, perfectly understandable, and several researchers who witnessed the event were found huddling with SCP-106 in its containment cell.
Effects: SCP-2006 screeched upon being introduced, and assumed a form identical to SCP-729-J. SCP-2006 has not changed form since the encounter.
Effects: Still images of SCP-729-J were encrypted, transmuted into binary, and broadcasted to SCP-1548. Broadcast was immediately followed by SCP-1548 reversing direction. Messages transmitted from SCP-1548 consisted mainly of incoherent cursing and expressions of dismay. Excerpt of response below:
WHAT. THE FUCK. GET THAT THING THE HELL AWAY FROM ME. NOTHING SHOULD BE THAT… THAT… I DON'T KNOW! IT DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A GODDAMN MOUTH! HOW IS THAT NOT FUCKED UP!? GOD, AND IT HAS ALL THESE WEIRD ROUND EDGES, AND IT WON'T STOP WATCHING ME, OH GOD I WANNA GO HOME.
Effects: SCP-729-J was sent through the wormhole to the SCP-1322 society. It was returned 6 minutes later, tied to a white flag.
Effects: When Dr. Hessen was told to walk through a door with 303 on the other side while holding SCP-729-J, SCP-303 promptly opened the door for Dr. Hessen and ushered her through before quickly exiting the room, with Dr. Hessen showing no sign of the usual fear response. SCP-303 was found six hours later in an abandoned storage closet in a fetal position, sucking its thumb.
Effects: When exposed to SCP-729-J, all copies made by SCP-1048 became immobile and have not regained mobility since exposure. SCP-1048 appeared alarmed by this, making a gesture like the sign of the cross, and retreated behind its copies. SCP-1048 regained the ability to make copies of itself when SCP-729-J was removed. It now frequently produces art that depict SCP-729-J as monstrous in some form, and cowers if shown a picture of SCP-729-J.
Not even the teddy? Aww… Poor Mr. Buns. He just wants some friends! - Dr. Hessen
Try 2317. Maybe then that hellbeast can be with its own kind. -Dr. Yvaine
It wouldn't play with him either! - Dr. Hessen
… My god. - Dr. Yvaine
Interviewed: Dr. Hessen
Interviewer: Dr. Yvaine
Foreword: SCP-729-J was "contained," if you can call it that, in Dr. Hessen's purse, despite multiple pleas to please just put the goddamn thing away.
Dr. Yvaine: Dr. Hessen. Tell us the means by which you obtained SCP-729-J.
Dr. Hessen: I mean, it was a little gift I ordered for myself online. Easter, you know?
Dr. Yvaine: Nothing odd at all about its manufacturing?
Dr. Hessen: Nope!
Dr. Yvaine: And yet we've scoured the factory where it was made for evidence of satanic rituals. Odd.
Dr. Hessen: But yeah, he… came in the mail! It was one of the special scented ones.
Dr. Yvaine: Dear god… [Addressing Dr. Hessen's purse] - I'm sorry I feasted upon your brethren. Let me live, and it'll never happen again, I promise. Just have mercy. [Addressing Dr. Hessen] What is the nature of your immunity to SCP-729-J's effects?
Dr. Hessen: Properties? I mean, it's a plushie. I have it right here. [Dr. Hessen begins removing SCP-729-J oh god does she think we want that thing anywhere near us?!]
Dr. Yvaine: NO NO NO FUCK GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME -
Closing Statement: Interview was terminated due to imminent containment breach.