Item #: SCP-80-K-J
Object Class: Ridiculous
Special Containment Procedures: All instances of SCP-80-K-J are to be contained within Site 24's Secure Avian Anomalies Sector. Telekill alloy1 has been used to construct a flimsy, three meter high fence around a 10 m x 10 m area to prevent SCP-80-K-J from interfering with or attacking other poultry-related anomalies in containment. A small wooden barracks has also been provided for shelter. SCP-80-K-J is to be fed daily at 5:00 AM, 12:00 PM, and 6:00 PM. Demands made by SCP-80-K Prime should be addressed in a patronizing tone and go unfulfilled.
Description: SCP-80-K-J is a group of 30 bird-like creatures that resemble domestic fowl adorned with M1 combat helmets. Each instance of SCP-80-K-J is armed with a small plastic rifle affixed to the underside of their left or right wing with an unidentified type of adhesive2. SCP-80-K-J roughly functions as a military unit, and will only take orders from SCP-80-K Prime, though its ability to follow through on any directions given is limited. Aside from SCP-80-K Prime, members of SCP-80-K-J are incapable of speech, which hinders their ability to function as a team and properly act out most commands given to them3.
SCP-80-K-J Prime is the designation given to the highest ranking officer of SCP-80-K-J, discernible by the small general's hat it wears, and the crudely constructed medals4 pinned to its breast feathers. SCP-80-K Prime is capable of speech, though aside from a single interview (see Interview 80-K-1 below) given upon SCP-80-K-J's initial containment, it generally only speaks to make unreasonable demands5 of Foundation personnel and give orders to SCP-80-K-J.
SCP-80-K-J is usually aggressive towards most Foundation personnel, due to standing orders from SCP-80-K Prime to attempt escape from containment, with the exception of feeding times. Current containment procedures are more than sufficient to prevent SCP-80-K-J from escaping or causing harm to staff, though revisions will be considered if their behavior changes.
Dr. Schmirtz: Hello, I am Dr. Schmirtz, and I will be conducting this interview with you.
SCP-80-K Prime: You will address me as "Sir", as my rank entails, or face dire repercussions.
Dr. Schmirtz: Nah, we've decided to designate you as SCP-80-K Prime.
SCP-80-K Prime: I am General T██6 of the Chicken Corps, and you will address me as "Sir" or be punished for insubordination!
Dr. Schmirtz: …You have to be shitting me. Your name is General T██? You can't…you can't be serious. *loud sniggering can be heard*
SCP-80-K Prime: I find nothing humorous about your continued refusal to follow military protocol. How does a court martial sound to you, son?
Dr. Schmirtz: *continues laughter for another 15 seconds* Okay, okay, I think I got that all out, General T██. So what, you're all anomalous poultry that watched too much Full Metal Jacket back at whatever stupid GOI lab that shit you out? Hilarious.
SCP-80-K Prime: Anomalous poultry? Anomalous Poultry?! I am General T██ of the United Chicken Corps, and I demand you show some respect!
Dr. Schmirtz: Sorry, I couldn't understand you that time, it wasn't peppered with enough poorly understood military jargon. Something about the Ultra Chicken Corps?
SCP-80-K Prime: No, you wretched imbecile. I said the United Chicken Corps. They are the special unit under my command.
Dr. Schmirtz: Why?
SCP-80-K Prime: Why what?
Dr. Schmirtz: Why "Chicken Corps"?
SCP-80-K Prime: A better question would be why I am being forced to answer such foolish questions from incompetent, insubordinate failures such as yourself.
Dr. Schmirtz: No, a better question would be why a group of Meleagris gallopavo, who call themselves the "Chicken Corps", are gallivanting about with toy rifles, attacking dairy cows and attempting to annex an entire barn filled with farm equipment.
SCP-80-K Prime: What did you call me?
Dr. Schmirtz: Meleagris gallopavo?
SCP-80-K Prime: Speak English, boy.
Dr. Schmirtz: You're…turkeys.
SCP-80-K Prime: This interview is over!7
Dr. Schmirtz: I hope you don't feel too…cooped up while you're here.
SCP-80-K Prime: You won't be laughing when my forces have nuked your little operation back to the stone age!
Dr. Schmirtz: Oh that reminds me. We found your little "WMD" stash. It's been confiscated. And poached.