SCP-DEALS-J
rating: +270+x
VINTAGEBARGAINS.jpg

NO NEED TO REND THE FABRIC OF TIME ITSELF FOR A GREAT DEAL- SHOP AT VON PINCIER'S TODAY.

Item #: SCP-DEALS-J

Object Class: Affordable!

Special Containment Procedures: Someone get MTF $-1 "LODS OF EMONE" down to Von Pincier's Used Car Emporium, because these low, low prices have breached containment and are coming for YOU! Titanium cages? Blast protection? Psychologists? Stuffed animals? Onsite nukes?! Nothing can stop the endless apocalyptic wave of GREAT SAVINGS!

In the event of SCP-DEALS-J persisting for more than 24 hours, Foundation personnel are advised to CALL NOW!

Description: SCP-DEALS-J is a ONE-OF-A-KIND SALE EVENT on new and slightly used automobiles! SCP-DEALS-J currently occupies the ENTIRETY of Von Pincier's Used Car Emporium, where that wacky wizard of wondrous walue Von Pincier has been exposed to a cognitohazard that's making him SLASH PRICES across the board!

It's gotta be a memetic effect, because word is spreading fast! Come down and see the best selection on 2013 and 2014 models, including family models, sporty coupes and [DATA EXPUNGED- COME ON DOWN TO FIND OUT WHAT REDACTED SUPER-SAVER DEALS ARE WAITING FOR YOU!]

GOC Auto? GRU Division "Cars"? Are We Driving Yet? The Black Queen of Value? All pale imitations of the real thing- VON PINCIER'S USED CAR EMPORIUM! Come for the savings, stay for the service!

Are the contents of your wallet a K-class scenario? Is your bank account an anti-meme? Well, no need for reality resets or mnestics at Von Pincier's Used Car Emporium, where our Saving Consumers Pennies interest plan will have you going "Wow! Did they hear about these incredible financing options down in Samothrace?"

Document: We're too busy SLASHING PRICES to film these testimonials from CUSTOMERS LIKE YOU, so we transcribed them instead!

  • "My twenty-five-kilometer space dreadnought could shatter moons with a single shot, but it was hell at the gas pumps! Thanks to Von Pincier, I've got a new vehicle that's stylish, not covered in alien graffiti, and super affordable!" -B.
  • "When my last car careened off the road, punched a hole in three perimeter fences, breached the core of an experimental particle accelerator and drowned an entire state in antiparticles, I thought I'd never be able to find a car that was right for me! But thanks to Von Pincier I can crash confidently, knowing I'm not breaking the bank!" -G.
  • With my old truck I was always thinking "wowee, these insurance premiums make me want to kill mysefl!" But this new truck is big enough to store so many corpses and my premiums are halved! You're cool now, Von Pincier!" -D.
  • MY GRANDSON WRECKED MY POOR HONDA, BUT AFTER VISITING THE VON PINCIER EMPORIUM, I'M RUNNING HIM DOWN" -G
  • "We are standing at the precipice of a new era of economic infant mortality and the cutting of frenulums for the fires of dead industry, but I can't believe how great my new car is. There you go again!" -R.
  • "People told me that a severed hand couldn't drive a car. Von Pincier not only got me a vehicle, he set up an easy payment plan that didn't twist my wrist. Thanks Von Pincier!" -H.
  • "I was so busy creating multimedia about how cool Florida is that I didn't have time to keep my car tuned up, but this new model practically drives itself!" -K.
  • "YOUR WORLD WILL BE AS ASHES/I WILL GRIND YOUR SPECIES INTO DUST/FUCK YOU VON PINCIER/THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL CAR" -S.
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