*The trailer opens up in a burning building. Camera slowly zooms up to a folder marked “SCP”. A conversation between Dr. Gears (Ben Stien) and Agent O-5 (Tommy Wiseau) goes on in the background, with Gears talking in monotone and Agent O-5 having a ridiculously strong accent.*
DR. GEARS: How bad is it?
AGENT O-5: Oh… it is very bad.
*Show men in ski masks carrying a wooden coffin down the street in broad daylight.*
AGENT O-5: A bunch of terrorists ‘ave stolen *obvious jump in dialogue* zee coffin, of a *another obvious jump* vampire overlord.
*Show footage of people in robes praying to the unconscious body of SCP-76-2 (AKA Able), played by Robert Pattinson.*
AGENT O-5: If they are not stopped, the world… no, the universe, could be in danger.
*Fade to black.*
DR. GEARS: I’ll get my best team on it.
*Cut to three people marching down a sparsely-decorated corridor, wearing sunglasses and trenchcoats. From left to right: Yoric (also played by Tommy Wiseau), Dr. Clef (played by Samuel L. Jackson), and Dr. Bright (played by Bobo the monkey, voiced by Richard Simmons). Generic rock music loops in the background.*
NARRATOR: From the creative direction of Uwe Boll…
*Cut to scene of people with guns wearing armor that “D-Class” being mowed down by “Marshall Carter" (played by Keven Spacey) using a machine gun labeled “Dark. LTD”*
M. CARTER: THIS. IS. SPARRRRTAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
*Dr Aeish (played by some no-talent spanish guy) jumps in from out of nowhere wearing a puffy suit and holding a sword.*
Dr. ALEPH ASASH AEGEAL AEISH: My name is Dr. Asphalt. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
NARRATOR: …and one of the two directors responsible for “Epic Movie”…
*Cut to scene of Dr. Bright and Dr. Gears in a car, driving.*
DR. GEARS (still in monotone): Can’t you go any faster, damn it?
DR. BRIGHT: *Thumps the wheel, screeching. Dr. Bright’s voice is very badly dubbed in.* WHEEE! NO HANDS! *Farts*
NARRATOR: …Comes this year’s blockbuster romantic comedy sci-fi action thriller, that will knock-
*Cut to scene of Yoric loading a shotgun…*
*…Clef struming the Ukulele…*
*…and Bright just standing there, while an obviously fake pair of monkey hands rises in front of him, and cracks their knuckles.*
*Cut to scene where Dr. Edison (played by Brad Pitt) is walking away from an exploding SCP-682.*
DR. EDISON (voiceover): It’s showtime…
*Fade to black, and then fade into the words “SCP” in silver letters, with a large number of obligatory movie credits at the bottom of the screen. Text below the logo says “Thanksgiving Day”*
“Well, I suppose that’s one way to handle an information leak…” O5-█ turned away from the screen. “How on earth did you pull this off?”
“Eh, no big deal.” Dr. Edison smugly replied, “I just wrote up a script, sent a crack team of mercenaries to track down and kidnap Uwe Boll and Friedberg, told them who was going to be in it, and gave them an hour each with SCP-721. Now everyone thinks that the leaked documents are part of some sort of Alternate Reality Game for a horrible Uwe Boll movie. With any luck, Marshall, Carter and Dark will also be more hesitant about doing business, what with their name being associated with that wisecracking Lex Luthor ripoff.”
“May I remind you that bringing civilians here was a serious breach in security…”
“Please, that guy has less credibility than a neo-nazi at a bar-mitzvah. If ‘Zhee best fucking genius in zee business’ ever said anything, he’d lose whatever shred of credibility he still has.”
O5-█ gave Dr. Edison an unamused look.
“…Yeah yeah, I gave them both A-Class Amnesics.” Dr. Edison nervously tugged at his collar. “Um, I mean, do you think I’m an idiot or something?”
“But what about the actors? How did you-”
“I had a talk with our legal department to help me with the cover story. They forged some paperwork saying that they had signed over their ‘Digital Likenesses’ to Boll at some point, and got “Popular Science” to do an article about the technology the movie was supposedly made with. Plus, I sent everyone large checks to get them to stay quiet about it. You know how celebrities are. And even if they do say something, Boll and Friedberg would be the ones to blame, not us.”
“I see.” The O5 looked unpulsed. “I also understand you’ve taken some… ‘liberties’ with the source material.”
“That was understandable; If I stuck too close to the truth our entire operation would be compromised.”
“Actually, I was more concerned about the portrayal of yourself and your fellow co-workers. We’ve received a number of complaints… Dr. Rights, for instance, is upset that you’ve made her a into one-dimensional love interest, Dr. Bright was upset that you’ve made him out to be a complete idiot that can’t fend for himself that constantly makes fart jokes, Yoric insists that he looks nothing like Tommy Wiseau, and Delivery Agent Roadrunner is accusing you of slander. Which is understandable, as his only scene involves him yelling obscenities at the elderly, punting a baby into a wood chipper, insulting all major religious and world leaders by name, selling out the foundation to the Chaos Insurgency for pocket change, and then being gruesomely dismembered at the hands of SCP-682.”
Dr. Edison chuckled. “Oh yeah, I remember that scene. God, that was fun to write…”
“Anyway… Dr. Iceberg has put out a bounty on your life, Dr. Aeish says you pronounced his name wrong on at least seven dozen occasions, Dr. Gerald hates how you’ve made his poor driving skills into a running gag, Able would like to have a very violent word with you about your casting choices, Dr. Gears thinks that your characterization of himself was spot on but is repulsed by everything else in the movie, and Dr. Clef thinks you portrayed him as a sexist, chain-smoking alcoholic bigot with a hair-trigger temper.”
“So? I’d say that’s a pretty accurate description.”
“The problem is that he insists you owe him royalties.” the O-5 nonchalantly shuffled a large stack of papers. “Oh, and absolutely everyone hates the fact that you cast Brad Pitt as yourself, and made him the most blatant Mary-Sue possible.”
Dr. Edison shrugged. “Yeah, well, that’s show business for ya.”
The O-5 sighed. “Personally, I ought to terminate you for gross disrespect and neglect of the rules. However, since you did defuse a potentially catastrophic situation with minimal casualties, I’m willing to let your keep your current position, on the condition that you transfer to Keter Duty in our Antarctic base at Site-██ until people stop demanding your head on a stick.”
“Don’t I have some sort of choice?”
“Certainly. You could always [DATA EXPUNGED]”
“…Right. Antarctica it is, then.”