Dr. Edison sneezed into the telephone. It had been a long day keeping the eldritch horrors contained within Site-██ locked up, and the good doctor was in no mood to catch a cold. The fact that Site-██ was in Antarctica didn't help things. "Sorry doc." he said. "I don't think I caught that. You're saying my what went where now?"
"Your movie! The one that got you transferred to Antarctica!" said Dr. King. "It's becoming a cult classic! The O5 are in an uproar! Haven't you been paying attention?"
"Attention?" Edison replied. "Attention to what?"
And now it's time for Bum Reviews, with Chester A. Bum.
Tonight's review: The SCP Foundation
OHHHH MY GOD, THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!
So there are these guys, called the SCP Foundation, and they're this secret government organization run by Tommy Wissau dedicated to investigating paranormal stuff!
I WAS A PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR, ONCE!
Oh, wait, that was just a TV show. What was it called again? Oh yeah: Baywatch Nights!
But there's also this organization of eeeevil terrorists who kidnap a vampire overlord… who is played by the guy from Twilight for some reason.
Boy, that Edward guy has fallen on hard times, hasn't he?
But to make matters worse, there's an eeevil arms dealer working for the terrorists, who wants to destroy the SCP foundation so that he can… drill for oil, or something.
Yeah, I don't get it either.
So Tommy Wisau calls his top scientists, and tells them that they need to stop the terrorists before the vampire Apocalypse happens!
"Uh, boss? Wouldn't it be a better idea to just tell the army about this or something?"
"Ha ha ha funny story, Mark."
PHELOUS: So that was The SCP Foundation, another disappointingly shitty movie from "Zhe Only Fucking Geinus in Zhe Buisness" and those guys who made Epic Movie. Oh, and in case you're one of those people who just watch the end of videos without any context, I'm Phelous the Canadian internet review guy from ThatGuyWithTheGlasses dot com dot com.
PHELOUS: OOOOOOOOOHHHH! Do you see what I just did there? I just made fun of something really stupid that the movie did in my end-of-review skit that they thought was funny but really wasn't! I am being soooo funny right now!
PHELOUS: OOOOOOOOOHHHH! I just explained the joke that I just made five seconds ago, which is ALSO something the movie did that I'm making fun of! More comic goooolllld!
*"Dr Clef" (obviously played by Phelous in a suit and gorilla mask) walks into the room brandishing a Ukalale-Shotgun.*
"DR. CLEF": You've made terrible meta-jokes for the last time, Phelous. I'm here to take away your Internet licence forever!
PHELOUS: Noooooo! How could this happen to meeeeeeee? *Breaks into song* I made my mistakeeeessss! There's nowhere to ruuuun, the night goes ooooooon and I'm fading awaaaaayyyyyy!
*Dr. Clef shoots Phelous. Phelous begins regenerating time-lord style for about 10 seconds while Dramatic Dr. Who music plays, only to stop abruptly.*
PHELOUS: Ha ha, I'm not doing that joke anymore. In fact, this entire skit is kind of terrible isn't it, so lets end it right here.
"DR. CLEF": What? You mean I came all this way for nothing?
PHELOUS: Fiiiiine. You can do a one-liner… but just one!
"DR. CLEF": Okay then. Ahem: *Dr. Who music begins playing again* Get these motherfucking Skips off my motherfucking plane… motherfucker!
*Music suddenly stops.*
PHELOUS: Really? That's the best you could come up with?
"DR. CLEF": Oh shut up, it's not like your show is much better.
PHELOUS: Ha ha, you see that was funny beacuse my show has terrible production values, so by saying that my show isn't much better than that terrible one liner Clef is making a humorous comparison to-
*Dr. Clef shoots Phelous*
PHELOUS: *cough* *hak*, Mmmm, watcha saaaayyyy…
*Dr. Clef shoots Phelous again. Cue credits.*
"Well given that I got transferred to freakin' Antarctica, I'm not exactly first in line to learn this kind of stuff." Dr. Edison coughed. "So, um… what do you want me to do about it?"
"The hell if I know!" Dr. King said. "It's your movie! You do something about it!"
Dr. Edison paused as he gave the problem some thought. "Okay." he said, "Here's what you do…"
FILM BRAIN: I'm Film Brain, and welcome to Bad Movie Beatdown! Today we're going to take a look at Michael Bay's SCP Foundation 6: The Revenge of Darkblade, undoubtedly the worst movie of our generation. It's so bad that it has the dubious honor of being the only movie to somehow wind up with a negative Metacritic score. And believe me, this movie deserves it.
*Cut to Phelous, wearing the Dr Clef costume*
PHELOUS: Not so fast, Film Brain! Your data is about to be Ex-Punged!
FILM BRAIN: No, Phelous, I am not doing another crossover with you.
PHELOUS: Oh come on! But I brought out the costume and every-
FILM BRAIN: NO.
*Phelous slinks away, while a violin plays in the background*
"I don't understand…" said O5-█. "How exactly does making more movies solve the problem?"
"It's quite simple, really." said Dr. Edison, adjusting his sunglasses. "With a few exceptions, movies only get worse and worse as more sequels keep being made. So I figured that if we make enough sequels, we'll eventually make a movie so bad that it will erase the entire franchise from the collective unconscious! And who else is better at making terrible sequels than Michael Bay himself?"
O5-█ shook his head. "I can think of so many reasons why that didn't work."
"Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking either." said Dr. Edison. "In fact, I think I actually made things worse… But you have to admit, they work great as torture devices!"
The O5 glared at Edison.
"I'm being sent back to Antarctica, aren't I?"