SCP+MLP=DNC
rating: +62+x

Something dreadfully wrong had just occurred within the SCP Foundation. The Head of Otherworldly Matters Department could feel it. He leaned back in his chair, and tried to determine which of the "they have screwed up royally" feelings he was getting this time. It certainly wasn't a containment breach - those were far, far more panicky - and it wasn't death on a massive scale. It was something that had gone wrong in… his department.

Slamming his forehead on the desk a few times, he shook himself off and prepared for the inevitable moment when someone would burst into the office, acting like they were asking for help when they damn well knew they were just demanding it from a man who was very, very busy and was just trying to get through the day's paperwork so he could sleep without something plaguing his mind!

Sure enough, a panicked lab assistant barged through his door shouting, "Sir, sir! Urgent situation in Experiment Chamber Sixteen! The head of the project sent me here to…"

"No, no, let me save you some breath!" said the Head, raising his hands and widening his eyes in mock surprise. "You breached through the wall of some dimension using some SCP that logically shouldn't be capable of doing that, but somehow did, and now you need me to sort things out because you aren't competent enough to do it yourselves. Did I miss anything?"

"Well, actually sir," said the assistant, trying to get himself back in order, "you did miss the part where we were conducting an experiment without your permission, but other than that, you're pretty much spot on."

The Department Head groaned and pressed his hands to his face. "I'd shoot you chucklefucks in the face myself if it weren't for…" he mumbled, seething quietly. The lab assistant stood shuffling his feet while the Head desperately tried to keep his hands away from his throat. At length, he took a deep breath and asked, "What's the emergency?"

"Well, sir, while we were testing SCP-826 with some of the anomalous materials we recovered during the last testing session, when the door to the closet manifested the properties of the object, even though it wasn't targeted in that direction. Doctor Richmand opened it up, and we were assaulted by three chest-high equine beings, one of which appeared to be winged, though not in the manner of SCP-042."

"After we confirmed ourselves as friendly, it was determined that these creatures were in the possession of speech, and…"

"Oh, stop pussyfooting around the issue," snapped the Department head. "You bastards broke through into the My Little Pony universe. Again." The lab assistant nodded his head quickly.

Jesus Christ, this was what, the fourth time this month he'd had to put up with something like this? The idiots had always managed to do something like this in the past through various means, but repeatedly breaking through the same barrier? After repeated confirmations of the stupid thing being completely healed? That tore it; starting tomorrow, they weren't allowed to conduct any experiments unless a doctor hand-picked by him was standing watch.

A thought occurred to him. Turning to the lab assistant, he said, "Look, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt. No matter how mind-bogglingly stupid you lot are, I'm going to say that this isn't your fault, and that it's them who keep breaking the barrier."

"Th-that seems like a pretty good assumption, sir…" the assistant murmured, his eyes darting back and forth while beads of sweat formed on his brow.

"So if we want to keep this from happening, and to prevent such gross wastes of my time from popping up so often, we just promise to give them what they want, and hope they go away for good."

The lab assistant coughed. "I'm afraid that's not entirely possible sir." Stumbling back from the evil eye the Head gave him, he quickly said, "They want us to send large amounts of troops because their best hope against a god of chaos failed! Considering the general nature of 826, I'm not sure that's feasible!"

The Department Head stood stunned for a few moments, before walking over to the nearest wall and kicking it. "God-fuck-dammit!" he shouted. " We've dealt with that damned place enough to know how its story goes, and that is not how it goes! You didn't just break into the My Little Pony universe, you broke into the fan-fiction universe! Do you have any fucking idea what that means?" The lab assistant, who had now backed himself into a corner, shook his head.

"It means somebody did this deliberately. It means somebody's trying to start up a crossover."

Striding over to his desk, the Department Head pushed a button to start the intercom. Speaking in an icy, barely-restrained voice, he said, "Attention all members of the Otherworldly Matters Department. This is your boss speaking. It has just come to my attention that one of you morons decided it would be a good idea to increase our workload by deliberately starting up a crossover with another universe. Allow me to reiterate why, here at the SCP Foundation, we don't fucking do that.

"We've got close to two thousand objects to contain at this point in time, which, as you may imagine, requires a crap-ton of resources to do. We face death in the face practically every day, just so this world can go on thinking that everything's normal, and that the biggest threat to their existence is some insurgent group in the Middle East. It's a hard fucking job.

"Now tell me: Who here thinks that it's a good idea to break the walls of our existence, and drag someone else's problems here? Especially problems from a universe where things beyond even our power exist, or, God forbid, problems we can't deal with because that universe is instantly fatal to us?

"I can't hear you since I'm on the intercom, and I really, really want to say, 'None of you,' but I can't. Do you know why?" He paused for dramatic effect. "It's because one of you imbeciles decided it was a good idea to write…" He took on an exceptionally sarcastic, disgusted tone, "'Friendship is Magic' fan-fiction, and insert it into a highly dangerous device that can do something like, oh, I don't know… break the walls of this fucking universe!

His chest heaving, he decided to wrap it up. "In short, stop trying to make your jobs harder than they already are. Just because some place looks all sugar-coated and crap like that, doesn't mean we need to get involved with it. We've got an unkillable thing that wants to suck on all our skulls, for Christ's sake…"

Taking his finger off of the button, the Department Head turned back to the lab assistant. "Go back to your doctors and researchers, and tell them that hell is about to rain down on their heads."

The lab assistant stammered, "Wh.. what are you going to do sir?"

Sitting back down at this desk, the Department Head began typing a series of orders. "Those ponies are going back to their universe without any goddamned help from us. Let them deal with that dragon-chaos-god-thing. The man who wrote that tale is going to have his brains blown out for violating…" He counted. "Seven major Foundation codes. Everyone involved in the experiment is being reassigned to departments where they can't do shit like that anymore. You, I'm contemplating something worse, for lying to me about the circumstances under which this happened."

He leaned back in his chair. "And I'm taking two aspirins and going to bed."

The lab assistant, cold sweat pouring down his back, bowed and left the room as quickly as he could. The Department Head sighed to himself. "Fucking crossovers… Been like this ever since Darkblade got those wizard kids in here…"

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