SCP-sqrt(-1)-J
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Item #: SCP-$\sqrt{-1}$ -J1

Object Class: Imaginary2

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Figure 1. A suspected on-screen manifestation, taken during a viewing of Disney's Mulan 2. Duration is 4 milliseconds. A reproduction of the unadulterated cognitohazard (probably inactive, probably; bottom-left) is included for comparison.

Special Containment Procedures: It is mandatory that Foundation researchers involved in the here-mentioned studies not view any movie suspected of containing instances of SCP-$\sqrt{-1}$ -J in order to preserve clinical purity. The same researchers are to accept the existence of SCP-$\sqrt{-1}$ -J as axiomatic and ignore the naysayers. Inklings to hypothesize "more likely" reasons for the central question of this research project are to be resisted because the author desperately needs to publish something and quick, you guys.

In the event of never-before-approved, research-oriented screenings, testers of the study group are not to participate without cellophane lenses that are impregnated with tourmaline-based anaglyph technology and capable of antagonizing Aleph Meta level cognitoadverse effects. To protect further, and as a failsafe in the event of (1) an equipment malfunction or (2) the emergence of tourmaline-resistant instances, testers are to maintain 75% contraction of their orbicularis oculi muscles3 for the duration of the film(s). Electrodes may be placed to assist in the sustainment of said contractions.

Anaglyphspectacles

The current model of approved spectacles. Must be worn at all times during viewing. Currently $30,000/pair. Can be purchased from and only from Dr. Walton Matthus Banks, Ph.D.

Two research personnel per participating theater are to covertly crouch outside the cinematic premiers of movies fitting the likely habitat of SCP-$\sqrt{-1}$-J, stenographing the content and calculating the concentration of both favorable and unfavorable criticisms as movie-goers leave the theater or venue. If approached with suspicion by any non-Foundation personnel, researchers are to immediately begin diversional maneuvers as outlined by Protocol SQRT—1.4


Description-1:5 SCP-$\sqrt{-1}$-J is not:

  • a 3-part spatial anomaly in an abandoned mobile juice bar that can convert any nipple into an industry-quality juicer.
  • a VHS cassette depicting a puppet that hesitantly admonishes you to rewind the tape and makes your finger inexhaustibly itchy until you press "Play".
  • a pack of crayons that are anomalously incapable of coloring but may or may not begin sleeping when flirted with.
  • a cummerbund which when worn grants the adorner the ability to whisper in any language when less than 5 inches from another's ear.
  • a fucking plush toy for God's sake that gives adultery-inspiring massages that are isolated to the philtrum.
  • a BE-Class-Migration-End-of-Consciousness-Scenario-worthy ounce of dietary fiber.
  • about bees.
  • a compulsion-impinging didgeridoo that can only be resisted at close proximity when twerking to Top-20 hits.
  • a 50 year old Caucasian male who anomalously enjoys pulling up his socks on his calves and who can be heard saying "C'mon, who likes slouchy socks?" each time he does.
  • a series of obtuse ritual motions that cause all one's body hair to be curly and lush but that also increases the risk of being poached in proportion to the gravity-defying volume evoked.
  • a rampant archival phenomenon whereby the surnames of individuals in official documentation are replaced by their childhood nicknames.
  • an infectious telephone call which spontaneously answers on recipients' phones and adds them to a Guinness Book of World Records campaign for the largest teleconference involuntarily assembled.


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Dr. Walton Matthus Banks, Ph.D.'s employee badge (censored).

Description: No, SCP-$\sqrt{-1}$ -J is a theoretical Aleph-Class audiovisual cognitohazard, postulated by the up-and-coming, so-hot-right-now Dr. Walton Matthus Banks, Ph.D. to explain wholly or in part the financial success and continuation of unfavorably-reviewed installments6 in modern movie franchises. Foundation investigation arose after wondering how a previous Lead Researcher became exceedingly wealthy.


The theoretical basis for SCP-$\sqrt{-1}$ -J was probably developed in 2001 by former Site-42 Memetics & Cognitohazards Department Lead Researcher and asshole ██████ ██████████9, who retired in 2005 and most likely shared the cognitohazard with film studio executives for an obvious financial application. SCP-$\sqrt{-1}$ -J is assumed to now be in the possession of all major film studio and distribution corporations in the United States.
The extra electrodes are to wake the subject up, in the event of fatigue.
The Foundation understands squinting for 2 hours at a time can be hard. Agent Rodgers enjoys the help from the provided electrodes.

Upon witnessing SCP-$\sqrt{-1}$ -J, and with increasing enthusiasm after each exposure, individuals will be willing or inclined to see a proposed next installment in a franchise or series. Additionally, individuals with a Psychic Resistance Scale score of ≤ 65 will respond with critical enthusiasm to the film employing descriptors such as "well done", "awesome", "really really good", and in the case of sequels, "even better than the last one,” regardless of the installment's content. Foundation anomalosensitive modeling predicts that the severity of SCP-$\sqrt{-1}$ -J instances is to increase as a result of current 3D/IMAX film technology by orders of magnitude approximating 12 Michael Bays (or $0.\overline{9394}$ Jerry Bruckheimers).10,11

While the author admits that it has not been proven per se that the implicated corporations possess the capacity to create SCP-$\sqrt{-1}$ -J, the likelihood of the observed outcome(s) with respect to the films' ratings and earnings without the use of SCP-$\sqrt{-1}$-J is $\approx {1 \over 9.6e968}$, rendering the assumption (1) essential with respect to the conceptual comprehension of the observed gross revenue numbers, and (2) pragmatically actionable as fact.


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Figure 2. Foundation Agents (the adults plus Dr. ”Jimmy” Banks, Ph.D., circled and just prior to sneezing on a Class-C participant) attending a screening of Air Bud 3: World Pup. This was part of a randomized trial to test the efficacy of the then-available and much-cheaper safety goggles.


Table of Suspiciously Successful Example Movie Franchises and Their SCP-$\sqrt{-1}$ -J Coefficients


Amnestic-Facilitated Interrogation: PoI $\sqrt{-1}$.


Dr. Walton Matthus Banks, Ph.D. was scheduled for a defense of this dissertation on 6/21/18, at 10:00. However he has not been located since the online submission of this proposal.

All in favor of thesis rejection:

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