Termination Procedure: SCP-809
rating: +44+x

Log of SCP Foundation Intranet on ██-██-████

11:16 Ukelele:: I need suggestions for a Decom. 809 is turning into a serious security risk and needs to die.
11:16 AgathaR:: LIVING VIVISECTION
11:16 Chris: It could 'fall down some stairs'
11:16 Ook: Them little bugs what take apart machines?
11:16 Chris:..repeatedly..
11:16 D.Brown: dip it in saltwater with a number of electric eels. if that'd work.
11:16 Argentis: Phonecall, because I am self ceneted.
11:16 Argentis: Centered, even.
11:17 Voss: Not bad, Rights.
11:17 D.Brown: …feed it to 682?
11:17 DrGears: Absorption by SCP-882 would yield interesting test data.
11:17 Voss: Yeah, feeding 682 sounds like a good idea.
11:17 Chris: Too expected.
11:17 Ook: Test if 963 affects mechanical life?
11:17 Voss: smacks Brown
11:17 Voss: WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT FEEDING 682?!
11:17 D.Brown: …nothing, yet.
11:17 DrDurmont: Opposing electromagnets
11:17 DrHavik: Throw it at 001.
11:17 Chris: Am I correct that 809 is a robot of some kind?
11:18 DrDurmont: Put it between two opposing electromagnets
11:18 Chris: Send it to explore 455 8)
11:18 D.Brown: '914 converts it to a cube'
11:18 DrHavik: I'm not serious.
11:18 Ukelele: cyborg, basically
11:18 DrDurmont: Let the two electromagnets rip it to shreads!
11:19 DrHavik: How about a "normal" decom procedure involving lots of hugh grade explosives?
11:19 Voss: Involving another SCP, half the containment facility and multiple casualties is not a normal decom?!
11:19 Chris: HHAHAHAHA
11:19 DrHavik: Voss, we're not Kondraki.
11:19 Chris: COPY 079 TO IT
11:19 DrGears: Detonation of a shaped explosive charge, after allowing it to "escape" may bypass any defensive measures.
11:19 Chris: That would be hilarious
11:19 Ukelele: Gears - bit of a security breach, though.
11:20 Argentis: Or have 782 put the mindscrew into it >_>
11:20 D.Brown: could always take the dwarf fortress method of destroying things and chuck it into lava somehow.
11:20 DrDurmont: And we could hit it with some of that crap to disorient it before luering it between the electromagnets
11:20 DrHavik: Have Clef talk to it.
11:20 TechSupport: Throw a rock at it. Get a big enough rock and that'll kill anything.
11:20 D.Brown: …'except 682. it grows rock-spines'
11:20 Argentis: Like a big ass Rock?
11:21 TechSupport: Like as big-of-an-ass rock you can find.
11:21 DrDurmont: Or a rockman
11:21 Voss: Bait it with 808?
11:21 Argentis: Maybe something like a cinderblock is better.
11:21 TechSupport: Cinderblocks are not big enough.
11:21 AgathaR: I'll hoist it up
11:21 AgathaR: And drop it on your face
11:21 AgathaR: My buddy
11:21 DrDurmont: 808 boobie traps the window to her shower?
11:21 DrHavik: Bait it under a tank?
11:21 DrDurmont: Wait, no
11:21 DrDurmont: That's stupid
11:21 D.Brown: reclassify it as SCP-048.
11:21 Voss: Oooo, boobie traps. :D~
11:21 D.Brown: the problem will solve itself.
11:21 DrHavik: Just have it follow 808, then hit it with a tank.
11:22 TechSupport: I'm still saying, USE THE FUCKING ROCK.
11:22 DrDurmont: Electromagnets are more badass
11:22 TechSupport: ITS A LOT MORE SIMPLE THAN YOUR BULLSHIT RESPONSES.
11:22 TechSupport: ITS A ROCK.
11:22 DrHavik: A TANK IS A MOVING METAL ROCK WITH GUNS
11:22 TechSupport: It hits things.
11:22 TechSupport: And crushes them.
11:22 TechSupport: FINE. DROP A TANK ON IT.
11:22 TechSupport: Whatever.
11:22 DrDurmont: And I think a directional EMP burst would assist with that
11:22 D.Brown: :D
11:22 DrDurmont: Use 808 to keep it passive during decom?
11:22 DrHavik: Didn't one of the human made SPCs have a pair of magnets in it?
11:22 DrHavik: A rail gun?
11:23 Chris:I still say upload 079 to it
11:23 D.Brown: use the world's greatest tothbrush.
11:23 Voss: I think using 808 to decommission tech-based SCPs would worsen her disposition.
11:26 Ukelele: … you're getting too damn fancy. The more steps we have the more complicated it gets. The more complicated it gets, the more chance for a fail condition. Simple and Clean.
11:27 Ukelele: We use Doc Durmont's method. The killbox will be the psych evaluation chamber. One wall will be rigged with powerful electromagnets. If and when 809 turns violent during the final evaluation, the magnets will be triggered, and then 809 will be killed by other means. The person in the evaluation chamber, however, can't have any mechanical implants, or the electromagnets will kill them.
11:28 Ukelele: Any volunteers?
11:30 Ukelele: … anyone?
11:32 DrHavik: I'll do it.
11:32 Ukelele: Good man.


Voice Log, Psych Evaluation Chamber ██, ██-██-████

Clef: Let's go over the procedure one more time.

Havik: I walk in, put down my clipboard, and tell 809 I'm here to do his interrogation. When I'm ready, I take off my glasses and lay them on the table. That's when you fire the electromagnet.

Clef: That's right. That should pull him up against this wall… here. Right under the photo of Sigmund Freud. That's when you book it like a rabbit, because there's gonna be heap big trouble headed your way. Now, have you removed all metal objects from your person?

Havik: Yup.

Clef: Including zippers and buttons?

Havik: …

Clef: Better change into some drawstring pants and a turtleneck, then.

Havik: Right, good idea.


Voice Log, Psych Evaluation Chamber ██, ██-██-████

809: Hello?

Havik: Hi, I'm Dr. Crim Havik. I'll be doing your evaluation today. If you would please… AAAGH!

809: Destroyer! I know you are out there! This has all the hallmarks of one of your tricks! If you don't want this man to die, then come in here with your hands and your ukelele up!


Voice Log, Mission Control, ██-██-████

Dumont: How's it going?

Clef: Not bad. Crim's actually really cool under pressure. Good, 809 is coming in and… NO! Don't shake the [EXPLETIVE REDACTED]'s hand! Sonovabitch!

Dumont: What the hell?

Clef: He's got Crim! 809 made a knife from his own arm and he's gonna kill Crim unless… hit it, Dumont!

Dumont: But Crim's still in there!

Clef: DO IT!


Voice Log, Psych Evaluation Chamber ██, ██-██-████

Havik: Oh god, oh god, I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die…

809: Don't worry… It's not you I want. I'm going to be the one who takes down the Des… fskszzkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!!

<loud clanging sound>

Havik: Oh Jesus Christ. ..

Dumont: HAVIK! RUN FOR YOUR [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] LIFE!


At ████:██:██ on ██-██-████, Psych Evaluation Chamber ██ was destroyed.


Post-Incident Interview, ██-██-████

Interviewer: … I am, however, a bit curious about the final portion of your kill procedure.

Clef: Well… I figured that the best way to be sure to take down 809 was to utilize a large scale kill procedure. A gun might not hit a vital point. An explosive might just scatter parts all over the place. But a ten ton steel weight…

Interviewer: That would probably do the trick, yeah.

Clef: We had that sumbitch… the kill item… mounted on wheels next door. When the electromagnet was turned on, we just pulled the handbrake, gave it a push to start it off, and let the magnet pull the kill item into the next room at high velocity. Squish.

Interviewer: Yes, I understand all that perfectly. I'm just curious: was it REALLY necessary to cast the kill item in the shape of a giant steel fist?

Clef: Not really, no.


Voice Log, Dr. Clef's Office, ██-██-████

Clef: So check out the video… okay, here's where Crim gets taken hostage… and here's where he starts crying like a sissy.

Havik: You'd be… Okay, maybe not Clef, but anyone else would start crying if some psycho SCP had a giant blade to his eye.
Dumont: Don't worry about it, Crim, you did good.

Clef: You did okay… and then here's when the magnet starts up, and Crim and 809 go flying across the room like goddamn Peter Pan!

<laughter>

Clef: Ooh, 809 is not happy, stuck to the wall like a fly on glue! He's let go of Crim… Crim's bleeding from a cut near his eye, but he's on his feet… he's punch drunk but standing, get out of there, Crim, go go go!

<gasps, then applause>

Clef: And Crim LEAPS out of the way of the Iron Fist of Doom and rolls to safety! Judges, your scores, please?

Havik: … good god, you actually made scorecards?

Clef: And it's a new record! CRIM AND DUMONT WIN THE GOLD!
Havik: Oh god, you guys actually made medals…

Dumont: … SCP Olympics? First Prize in Synchronized Terminations?

Clef: Hey, wear that with pride, you earned it.

Gephart: I do want to say one thing, though.

Kondraki: And what's that?

Gephart: In the end, you wound up hitting it with a rock after all.

<boos, catcalls>

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