SCPPD Episode 1
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Archivist Note: The following document was found as a series of crumpled pieces of paper in a wastebin within the Site-19 staff cafeteria. The author has not been located.

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Episode 1: Promotions


Scene: A smoky police station. Officers are sitting at their desks, shooting the shit.

Pan to: The chief's office. Detective Clef stands in the corner, chewing on a apple. SCPPD Chief Lament stands behind his desk, staring at a piece of paper tacked on his wall.

Enter: Officer Anqxyr

Officer Anqxyr: You wanted to see me, chief?

Chief Lament: Damn right I did, Anq. (Chews on the end of a cigar) You want to tell me what all this bullshit is about?

Officer Anqxyr: Bullshit, sir?

Chief Lament: You're damn right it's bullshit, Anq. I hear we have another break-in on the dataframe, and the perp took off with a whole sector of sensitive, sensitive data. Third time this month, and no end in sight. We've gotta put a stop to this.

Officer Anqxyr: I'm not sure what you're trying to say, sir. I'm not authorized to access the main infobase.

Detective Clef: Infobase?

Chief Lament: You're damn right you can't access the netcache, Anq. That's why I'm promoting you. We're getting a lot of shit for this right now, and I need my best computer man on the job. (Leans down to his desk and pushes the call button) Detective Moose! Send in Quartermaster Tuomey.

Enter: Quartermaster Tuomey, culinary and weapon specialist for the SCPPD. Wears sunglasses and carries a blunderbuss.

Quartermaster Tuomey: You wanted to see me, chief?

Chief Lament: You're damn right I wanted to see you, Tuomey. We need to get Officer Anqxyr here some tools to help him intercept the digi-hackers.

Quartermaster Tuomey: Then I'm glad you asked, mate. First off, we'll get him hooked up with our supply of weaponised data snippets. He can use those and a few USB keys to overclock data production speeds. Then, if he needs more bandwidth to hacksimise the dataflow, we'll use the Site-19 wifi to hack the hackers wifi and secure a channel to initialize our data recovery. (Pulls down sunglasses slightly) It's pretty basic hacking, Chief.

Chief Lament: You're damn right it is, Quartermaster Tuomey. Now get out of here, you jackalopes.

Exit: Officer Anqxyr and Quartermaster Tuomey

Detective Clef: (Incredulous) Chief, I don't know if any of that means what you think it—

Chief Lament: You're damn right I don't know what it means. But that's what I pay people for, Clef. Speaking of which, what are you doing? Don't you have work to do?

Detective Clef: I mean, I was eating this apple, and… anyway. Who do you have next?

Chief Lament: Let me see. (Peers at desk) Huh. That's right. A couple of jackalope beat cops. Detective Moose! Send them in.

Detective Moose: (Through intercom) I have a few minor objections to this situation. [EDITED FOR LENGTH — TWENTY MINUTES LATER] You sure you want to do this?

Chief Lament: You're damn right I do.

Detective Moose: (Sigh) Sending them in.

Enter: Officer Kaktus and Officer Riemann, SCPPD beat cops. Both wear aviator sunglasses and handlebar mustaches.

Chief Lament: Alright you two, listen, your track record as beat cops in this—

Officer Riemann: Modbros.

Chief Lament: I— what?

Officer Kaktus: We're not cops anymore. We're Modbros now.

Chief Lament: You… you're still here, right?

Officer Riemann: As Modbros, yes.

Chief Lament: You still do your job, though? I mean, you still do police work? You arrest people and such?

Officer Kaktus: Modbro work.

Chief Lament: …Alright, whatever. Anyway, we're getting a lot of heat from the boys upstairs ever since Detective Cryo retired. Don't think we have enough boots on the streets, so to speak. That being said—

Detective Moose: (Over intercom) Visitor for you, Chief.

Chief Lament: (Sigh) Hang on, you two. Send 'em in, Moose.

Enter: Detective Zyn

Detective Zyn: TROY! TROY TROY TROY TROY GUESS WHAT!

Chief Lament: Yes, Detective Zyn. What is it?

Detective Zyn: I found a butterfly, look!

Chief Lament: …Yes, that's a butterfly. Do you need something, Detective Zyn?

Detective Zyn: OH, right. I've got some paperwork, uh— (Drops a stack of papers on the Chief's desk) There you go!

Chief Lament: So you do. Thank you, Detective Zyn.

Detective Zyn: Welcome!

Exit: Detective Zyn

Chief Lament: Goodbye— oh goddammit, Zyn. (Sighs) Anyway, you two are getting promoted. From now on, you'll both be detect—

Officer Riemann: Modbros.

Officer Kaktus: Modbros.

Detective Clef: What the fuck is a Modbro?

Chief Lament: Detective, Modbro, whatever the fuck you want to call it. You've got your orders, now get outta here.

Officers Riemann and Kaktus: Awwww yeah! (High five)

Exit: Detectives Modbros Riemann and Kaktus

Chief Lament: I'm getting too old for this shit, Clef.

Detective Clef: Yeah, you probably are—

Chief Lament: You're damn right I am. (Puffs cigar)

[END SCENE]

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