To His Grace, Angelo Sodano, Dean of the College of Cardinals, Cardinal-Bishop of Albano, Cardinal-Bishop of Ostia, Cardinal-Priest of Santa Maria Nuova;
And to His Grace, Tarcisio Bertone, Cardinal Secretary of State, Camarlengo of the Holy Roman Church, Secretary of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, Cardinal-Bishop of Frascati;
And to His Holiness, Joseph Aloisius Ratzinger, Pontifex Emeritus;
And to all other Cardinal-Bishops and Cardinal-Priests of the Holy Roman Church, Catholic and Apostolic, Militant and Triumphant;
Know that his Royal Highness, Eugenio the Second, by the Grace of God, King of the Forest, Lord of the Plains, Duke of the Grand Fir and the Undergrowth, Count of the Swamp, Margrave of the Great Snow-Capped Mountain, Warden of All the Streams and Rivers, and Lord Protector of the Cities of Man, Defender of the Faith, greets you fondly and amiably, as a friend, compatriot, and brother in Christ.
We have watched with great interest recent developments within the Church involving the departure from the Petrine Ministry of His Holiness, Pope Benedict XVI. While we have respectfully disagreed with certain doctrinal notions advanced by the Church in recent decades, let it be said that we hold nothing but the deepest respect and admiration for the Vicar of Christ, who by the time this epistle reaches you shall have departed the Holy Office, and trust that his decision to abdicate the papacy is one reached through solemn contemplation and prayer, and which shall ultimately prove to be in the best interest of the Church.
Before we proceed with our purpose for engaging you at this time, we feel it appropriate that we explain ourselves; for our see has for some time been in partibus infidelium and out of contact with Rome, and those who now serve her as members of the College of Cardinals may not be familiar with us. Our kingdom spans the whole of the great forests that stretch across the northwestern regions of the New World (save those regions settled by man, in accordance with the Treaty of Alki; those we merely steward and protect for our subjects traveling therein.) We currently find ourselves in a state of suzerainty to a group of men we suspect to be allied with the Holy Roman Empire (a condition we hope to appeal to whomever shall assume the Holy Office in the coming weeks), and though certain rogue elements that are not worth mentioning here currently present slight difficulties to the execution of our office, we assure you that the legitimacy of our divine right to rule this nation is unimpeachable.
We are a fox, as was our father, and his, and his, and so on unto Time Immemorial, but our nation is not populated only by our own kind. Wolves, deer, sheep and goats, cats, birds of the air and creatures underfoot all number among our subjects; for we accept all within our domain who pledge to obey the laws of our kingdom and keep the love of Christ in their hearts. We have a bishop and priests among us who have maintained the apostolic succession and kept the Gospel and the magisterium of the Church pure and true throughout the centuries, and we have recently acquired a genuine Bible from the men of this region, that we may verify that our teachings have not been in error.
It has come to our attention that within the days and weeks to come, the cardinals of the Church shall convene in Rome, as they have done time and time again throughout history, to determine who shall succeed Benedict XVI in the Bishopric of Rome. It is not our intent to attempt to exert undue influence on the decision of this august body, nor to cajole it, nor attempt to speak on its behalf; we merely wish to make the College aware of certain facts of which, due to the difficulties in communication between our see and the Church, it may be unaware.
There is among our nation a tiger, bearing the Christian name Matthew, who is bishop of our see and the chief instructor and advisor in religious matters to ourself. He is a tiger of humble birth, but great spirit and wisdom. Having been born unto a pagan family in the land of Hindustan, he was merely a child when he was captured by slave-traders and brought to the New World to be made the property of a man living in one of the lands excluded from our dominion by the Treaty of Alki. In time, he made his escape from bondage and found his way into our lands, whereupon our knights discovered him wandering lost, and he was brought before our father, the late Albert VI. Though we do not suffer pagans to live in our lands, our father believed he could be redeemed; and in time Matthew accepted Christ's salvation and was baptized into the Church.
He was ordained to the priesthood the following summer and has since proven the wisest and most pious of bishops that any in our lands can recall having known. He has personally attended to the bringing up of children in the faith, and is an invaluable aid to ourself in ensuring that our rulings and decisions are always just and Godly. It is our wish to suggest that, when the College of Cardinals convenes presently, that Bishop Matthew the tiger be considered and voted upon to become Pope.
We are aware that we ask much of the cardinals assembled, to elect this tiger, however much we might speak well of him, having only just learned of him. If we were able, we would dispatch him to Rome immediately so that the cardinals might learn of him better; unfortunately, due to the circumstances of our suzerainty, it is not possible for him to travel at this time. We offer, therefore, the following three arguments that we feel bear consideration;
First, that the Church has elected no Pope that was not a man. Though we know of none in our lands who lack faith in Christ, we know of a few poor souls who wonder whether a church so dominated by one kind can truly minister to them; and surely, if there are nations such as ours elsewhere in the world, there must be many among their numbers who also have such doubts. By placing Bishop Matthew in the pontificate, the Church shall be able to demonstrate to all that, though it has not shied away from its traditions and its heritage, the Church is open to all, and seeks to minister not only to men, or to foxes, or even to tigers, but to all of God's creations. To show that even the humblest of creatures, born into heathenry and made a slave, can be reached by the Gospel and become the most pious of beings shall prove to one and all that the power of Christ knows no bounds.
Second, that as a tiger brought up as a slave, Matthew shall be able to speak to the Church and to all the world to effect the abolition of that horrendous practice. Though the Church has fought for centuries to abolish that heinous act among men, it has yet done little to end the enslavement by man of his fellow creations. Galatians 3:28 states; "There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus." There are many men who do not think of the sins they commit against other beings, because they are ignorant and do not see the spark of the divine within us all; the placement of this tiger upon the papal throne will remove the scales from their eyes.
Third, that it has come to our attention that the Church has in recent years been betrayed by its own, and that a great many ordained to her service have brought disgrace upon the sanctity of their vows, violating the sixth commandment, and engaging in acts of the type not fit to be spoken of among Christian males. We can wholeheartedly assure you that such acts against nature are not committed among our see; and that neither Matthew, nor any of the priests or deacons under him, would ever engage in such deeds. As a tiger uninvolved in these sinful proceedings, nor tainted by association with any involved in their perpetration, Matthew shall no doubt be a powerful force in ridding the Church of such actions as were condemned in Romans 1:26-27.
Again, let us solemnly assure you, on our sacred honor as king and as a Christian, that we do not seek to force the hand of this body or exert any undue influence. We simply suggest, respectfully and humbly, that to place upon Bishop Matthew the responsibility and dignity of the Petrine Ministry would be a wise choice, one which would benefit not only our see, but all of the Church and all of God's children. We trust in the wisdom of the conclave to take their own counsel, and to heed the judgment of the Lord, and thereby to cast their vote correctly.
To this document, we do, on this, the twenty-fifth day of February, in the year of Our Lord Two-Thousand and Thirteen, affix our royal signature;
Memo from Dr. Samesh; The above is a translation of a document written in Latin, found on a piece of vellum hidden in SCP-1845's containment habitat during a routine inspection. Forensic analysis indicates that it was written by one of the raccoons trained to write and function as SCP-1845-1's scribes. A full review of security procedures is underway to determine how SCP-1845-1 became aware of the current papal vacancy and how it intended to send this message to the College of Cardinals. The Foundation's liaison within the Vatican has confirmed that neither the outgoing pope nor any senior members of the College of Cardinals are aware of the existence of SCP-1845 or of any historical alliance between the Catholic Church and non-human sapient entities.