Aren't we all only this.
Recovered from the research notes of Doctor Nathan Farber following his suicide on June 1, 1943.
March 6, 1943
The first market tests of Bamtantrax are beginning today. As head researcher, I'm to oversee all the tests of the United States division and ensure the product is working successfully and causes no ill effects. In reality, however, I'm just sitting in my office waiting for respondents to the advertisement we put out. I hope we get some suitable subjects to test this on. We really need a success, and not just for financial reasons.
March 7, 1943
I'm impressed. We've already had about 300 applicants in New York alone, and the number is increasing every day. Anyway, we gave them some tubs of Bamtantrax, and asked them to apply the cream daily and report in weekly so we could see the results. They performed their initial application under our supervision. It absorbed into their skin just like tests indicated. Hopefully, full absorption will occur, fixing skin flaws and disfigurements. If that can happen, I have no doubt this'll be the smash hit we're looking for.
March 14, 1943
The first check-in was today, and it would appear we've got a winner on our hands this time. Everyone who tried the product out loved it. They claim it increased both their attractiveness and their love life, and one woman even claimed it healed a cut she got slicing onions. I don't know about that, but our check-up showed integration with tissue as planned. I think we just need to do this for a few more weeks, then release it to our markets. I'm relaying that opinion to the main branch immediately.
March 21, 1943
Well, it's set. The release date is ready, we're just waiting for the shipments to arrive from the main branch. Everyone in the trial swears by this stuff, and most have referred it to their friends. We're almost out of our test samples, though, and the war has tied up our shipment. We won't get it for a few more weeks. Once they run out, they'll have to do without for a few weeks. The main office still wants us to check up on them weekly, though I have no idea why. The cream works!
March 29, 1943
Another check-up day. The last subject ran out of Bamtantrax a few days ago, so we'll get to see any negative reactions. Shipment still hasn't arrived yet; my last check-up indicated it was still stuck in a British port. The subjects without the cream for the longest are reporting minor irritation and skin flaking, probably just a side effect from having used the cream so long. Other than that, they report feeling fine, so it's probably nothing.
April 5, 1943
I'm beginning to get worried. The rashes are increasing in size and severity, and are turning an ugly purple color. I'd call it a coincidence, but all of the rashes are on the areas of application. Could this be an unknown side effect? I'll send off a message to the main office immediately. If this is a side effect, we need to halt our rollout of it.
April 12, 1943
The rashes are getting worse. Not only in the test subjects, but in the other researchers and staff! They apparently were using some of the stuff as well, and had even hoarded some of it. Disgusting. I'm lodging yet another complain with headquarters, since they still haven't replied to my last one, and recommending they be disciplined posthaste. In the meantime, that shipment needs to get here NOW. I think I can figure out a way to prevent these side effects, but I need more supplies to determine just what it is doing and why these effects are happening.
April 19, 1943
What have we done?
The subjects are dying. Their skin is liquifying, and there's nothing we can do.
The worst part? It was designed to be that way. I finally got my reply from the main office. It said, and I quote, "That is what it was designed for. We wanted to guarantee that once they started using Bamtantrax, they wouldn't switch to any other cosmetics. And it's working, too. Ask any one of the test subjects! They want more. And that's what we intend to give them. And to that end, we are pushing up our big rollout to May! We would be delighted to grant your request for a transfer, but the product will be launched as planned."
Can you believe it? Our product is killing people, liquifying their skin and they want to roll it out sooner?
I don't know what to do. I've got to do something, but what?
April 26, 1943
Oh god oh god oh god oh god OH GOD OH GOD
They're falling apart!
The secretaries, the test patients, ALL OF THEM!
They're slowly falling apart and it was because of something I did oh god how could I have thought it was a good idea WHAT HAVE I DONE
They're just…falling apart. I saw them in the hospital with my very own eyes. I did this. I helped cause this. And they're rolling out! May 1! This causes people's skin to FALL APART and we're selling it! How could we have done it. How could I have done it.
What have I done?
May 1, 1943
It is everywhere
I see all the people buying it
I want to scream, cry, rave, warn them
But it wouldn't help.
All of them
Walking down the street
Calm and collected
Yet doomed from the start
Don't they know?
I want to ask them, ask them with their phony faces and plastic smiles, ask them first when they buy and then when they rot
Was it worth it
Was the beauty worth it
I sent a letter
It won't be enough
It will never be enough
Janruraty 224, 20012
thinking they can do everything
paying the price that they knew nothing of
ALL OUR FAULT
i see them in my dreams
it makes no difference
they found it
my sins are atoned for
its not worth it nothings worth it what have i done what have we done they are stopping it it is all good dont worry it will be all right dreams haunted rolling out happy false faces true beauty true beauty is only skin deep after all
I can't live with myself anymore.
God help me for what I have done.
It's a miracle I am lucid enough to write this, if I am lucid at all
But what I have done, what we have done, is a burden too great to bear
For anyone who reads this I ask this question, seeing what I have written and hopefully what it has done
Was it worth it?